Dating Blues

[Cab19]

I've been trying online dating apps and I hardly ever meet someone. If I do it seems like everything's going great and then the next day I'm ghosted. It's very hard for me to put myself out there because of social anxiety and this hurtful treatment from others is sinking me further into depression. I'm not clingy or needy Im just tired of being alone. I tell myself not to give up but the rejection is becoming more than I want to bear.

[WriteMoveSpeak]

It's really hard to remember, but dating apps are a numbers game. It might be for every 50 people, you get one match, and for every 5 matches, maybe 1 conversation... or something like that (I made these numbers up, don't hold me to them!) As hard as it is, try to remember that it isn't YOU, it's the nature of the method.

Something I've done in terms of meeting people is to go to groups and events that you're interested in, with the intention of enjoying the event. Either way, you can have fun. If you meet someone to date, it's a perk!

[Cab19 in reply to WriteMoveSpeak]

Thank you so much. I appreciate the response. I did go to meetups pre pandemic I just wanted to try something a little more specific but ita doing me more harm than good I think.

[Blueruth]

agree ☝️Taking a dating app encounter personal is a recipe for disappointment. It is like going to a grocery store and expecting literally the person in line next to you to be the love of your life without even talking to them.

I tried go cupid and i got matches that were not even close. I'm truly not into hookups. When I try again I might go with bumble because you have more control over who you talk to but it means you do have to reach out.

[Cab19 in reply to Blueruth]

So true. I dont expect to hit it off with everyone it's just the disresepct of ghosting I find so appalling.

[Blueruth in reply to Cab19]

It’s too easy online. You could look at it like “no chemistry, moving on” and just go with the flow. because really the odds are against you. It would be rude in person. I ghosted on person because he didn’t read my profile and it was way too obvious. And he was into football which I hate.

[Isinatra]

I’ve never done dating apps and I’ve heard all the reasons not to including yours. It’s hard enough to get rejected once in a while in life, but to experience disappointment time after time in a short period of time on line should be more than anyone could take. Once you meet up with someone you connect with off line, you still are faced with the problems of socializing. You’re eliminating the first part of in person socializing by meeting on line,but at what cost? Being demoralized repeatedly. Which is the lesser problem and what can you do about it is what I would ask myself. Writemovespeak has good suggestions. It seems like social anxiety is rampant in young people these days. Some more severe than others. If yours is severe enough to keep you from living a normal life, then maybe some therapy would help. 🙏🍀

[Cab19 in reply to Isinatra]

So true I appreciate your reply. No one should be demoralized trying to do something to improve their situation.

[Arkus]

I suggest you take time to get to know the person by writing before meeting him. It worked for me. I was laid up with foot surgery which prevented me from meeting anyone so I just communicated by writing. Any uncertainty or flags and I discontinued the connection, not by ghosting which is very hurtful.

It’s unpleasant enough meeting someone and realizing it’s not a good fit, so you need to keep those negatives as few as possible. Also it’s safer to write to someone to get a sense of who they are before meeting them. Meantime you can work on your social anxiety by getting out there whether through church, volunteering, classes, pickle ball, etc without looking for a partner specifically. You will feel less lonely so when you meet someone you will have positive vibes.

[Cab19 in reply to Arkus]

Yes you make so many good points thank you. I can see looking back just on my post here how negative and lonely I sound. That is not attractive.

[Arkus in reply to Cab19]

Sorry! I didn’t mean you personally are negative, just the experiences of online dating can be negative, so we need to limit those as much as possible

[Cab19 in reply to Arkus]

Lol no it's fine I have a very negative thinking pattern (if you could have met my parents you'd understand! ) And I recognize it but I can't always change. I really saw it after I read what I wrote.

[MCAJ]

Don’t give up, it takes time and patience but eventually you will meet someone you have things in common with. Just lower your expectations and treat online dating as something fun, and if you don’t meet someone that’s good too. At least you get in the game of dating without stepping out of the house.

[Cab19 in reply to MCAJ]

You're so positive and encouraging thank you. It sure is hard to look at it that way. More and more I just dread it.

[metalminded]

I've used dating apps before and talked to a lot of women, but only met up with one, who became my wife of 16 years. The funny part was we had a mutual friend but never met each other. She had know his family since she was a kid and I worked with him for a few years!

Crazy things can happen! Don't give up.

I did talk to quite a few women before she came along. We never met up and a couple were clearly there for a hookup (believe it or not!).

Though I don't have social anxiety, I'm not great meeting people and never went out to meet women. I didn't date much in high school or after so it was very difficult for me too.

I don't think the site I used, Dreamates, is around any longer. I hear good things about Match.

I'm 53 and met my wife when I was 33. I'm happy to answer any questions you might have.

Take care and good luck!!

[Cab19 in reply to metalminded]

Thank you for sharing such a wonderful success story. I am glad you found your wife. I guess my real problem is no different from job interviews and the like. It eats away at your self esteem cause you have no way to know what happened. Why was I rejected? what did I do or say or not do or say or anything really. How can you fix it for next time if you don't have any idea what went wrong.

[metalminded in reply to Cab19]

You're welcome! I hope that might encourage you to keep trying. I agree that it is best to spend time emailing each other, then maybe texting and work up to a phone call, finally, if you feel comfortable enough and your gut (which can be wrong at times) tells you he seems like a decent guy, then setup an in person meeting.

I do get what you're saying, especially around interviews. In my career, I have only had 3 jobs. My first job I started at 19 and my Dad and Uncle worked for the company. The interview was not a big deal and didn't bother me because I knew I had the job.

I stayed there for 19 years. My second job I was offered by my former manager. There wasn't an interview it was lunch with a friend. Again, I knew I had the job.

My current job I interviewed for and was really nervous. I'm not a public speaker and even 1 on 1 was (and am) uncomfortable around people I don't know.

I did get the job, but I had a feeling I was the only person they interviewed!

Since then, 2 years, I've been interviewing for other positions. I had 2 interviews that went very well but I didn't get the job, I just had a third recently and am waiting to see if I do get an offer.

It feels like no one else wants me and I'm stuck where I'm at and not sure I want to be. It's not my ideal role.

I feel rejected and want to know why. Unfortunately, I can't get that answer.

[Cab19 in reply to metalminded]

You're so sweet for sharing. I hope you get that job if you want it. As the first person to reply to this post told me about dating interviewing is also a numbers game. The more you have the more your chances. You were blessed in not having to interview much to get your other jobs so it's even more challenging now. Please dont feel rejected. Prepare as best you can and then move on. The boss friends daughter might have interviewed before you or sometimes they change their minds all together and don't even keep the position. It's so hard not to feel rejected or demoralized but it's out of our control and has nothing to do with us. Although it never feels that way.

[metalminded in reply to Cab19]

Thank you for saying that 😊. I'm happy to share, and especially if I can help someone else.

The last job I interviewed, I'm not sure I really want, but I hope to at least receive an offer so I know that I did interview well and can take that experience and build on it for the next interview I might have.

[Cab19 in reply to metalminded]

Exactly. I don't remember the circumstances but somehow I applied for a job once that I thought was FT but it was PT no benefits. Since I can't afford part time I couldn't take it but I didn't want to say oh sorry my bad never mind. So I continued with the interview. I did so much better than usual because I wasn't nervous since now there was no pressure. I mean I dont recommend wasting someone's time by applying for things you dont want just for practice. Lol. But it was interesting to see how different my experience was and it shows that any interview is good practice and a chance to improve regardless of outcome.

[metalminded in reply to Cab19]

That's why I'm curious about this last one too. I'm probably not going to accept the offer, unless it's really insanely awesome. LOL!! I didn't know that going in though, so it certainly wasn't a waste of my time or theirs.

[Cab19 in reply to Cab19]

Because of my social anxiety I freeze in interviews and literally can't think. Sometime I couldn't even tell you my name at the time. It's an agony few can understand if they haven't been through something similar. I had one job for many years that I applied to online and somehow interviewed successfully for. I didn't know anyone there or anything about it really. To this day I think they just didn't have any other candidates but I'll never know. Any other job I got was because I knew someone who referred me. Word of mouth is how we find doctors, restaurants, repairmen, you name it. It's human nature no one wants to interview a total stranger. You're always taking a chance but I guess for the person hiring it's so much easier to say well so and so vouched for them even if that connection is very limited.

[metalminded in reply to Cab19]

I don't have that bad of anxiety, but my mouth gets really dry, and I do sometimes stumble in my speech or can't get my thoughts out. I need to come up with something like a script to go off of during interviews and change parts of it to suit the particular position.

I have an event coming up in June that I have to speak for, a short introduction for the event. This I'm terrified of, even though there will be many others there with me and will support me. So difficult!!

[Cab19 in reply to metalminded]

I'm not going to say you'll be fine, even though you will be, cause I hate when people say that to me. Ugh. What is it about public speaking that strikes such terror? For many years I was a librarian, and as part of that I had to sometimes teach a class to adults. Usually some computer technology like when ebooks first came out.

[Cab19 in reply to metalminded]

The classes were small and the people wanted to be there and wanted to see you succeed but oh what a struggle I had. It seems like such a simple little thing. In desperation when I couldn't deal with the anxiety any more I forced myself to practice every word of my class script at home alone. I would feel ridiculous saying it to myself or in front of a mirror. But once I said the introduction over and over again I was able to at least get through that much of it when I was up in front of the class. That bought me some time so I could calm down a little and settle into the teaching. I'll tell you I was mad that I even had to work so hard and practice so much for such a little thing but I had to do it. It's all I could think of.

[hypercat54]

I have a friend who is on several dating sites. She has met up with a few of them but things didn't last for various reasons.Then she came up trumps with her current fella who she has been with for around 18 months now. She seems very happy. She only connects with local people though so they meet up very early on.

[Cab19 in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks for sharing another success story! I'm finding all the encouragement of this site so wonderful.