School and home life

[Mmchitt]

Hi. It’s been a while since I last posted. Things haven’t really gotten better or worse. It’s been the same. But school has been becoming more of a problem. I think I mentioned in a previous post that it has become pretty dull between school and home. Usually kids are really excited on the bus ride home, they go home, play video games, hang out with friends and relax. I never really am. I’m not nervous or scared to go home, I just feel numb on the ride home. Because I don’t know what kind of mood my parents will be in when I get home. Usually my dads mood depends on whether my mom is annoying him but sometimes he’s just in a bad mood. And when he’s in a bad mood he doesn’t hide it. But when he’s happy, he’s so nice and funny and caring. But it only takes one little thing to set him off. My mom still hasn’t gotten a job (no surprise there). She promises every day that she’s scheduling interviews and job searching (nobody buys it) and then gets upset with us for not being supportive. She’s been promising to get a job for 8 years and has done nothing. She doesn’t clean either (as I’ve mentioned in a previous post) she does dishes once in a blue moon and drives me and my sister around and calls it a day. Me, my sister, and my dad do everything else. Stuff like this is usually what gets my dad mad, followed by politics, things breaking, money issues, and anything that confuses him. He makes sure to call me and my sister out of our rooms to have us do half of the chores and rant to us for usually and hours or so about all of these things not caring about what we were doing before. Now you might be thinking that half of these things he gets mad about shouldnt be things children need to hear about. And you’d be absolutely right. He complains a lot that kids don’t need to hear about politics and rants about it to us anyways. And doesn’t have a care in the world for whether his kids have been hearing about his marriage problems since they were 5. And you also might be thinking, if your father gets so mad over your mother not doing anything around the house or having any money, why doesn’t he get her out of the house? I have absolutely no idea. It baffles my mind how someone can keep somebody in their house who they don’t love and don’t even tolerate anymore who mooches off of their money while sitting on a couch all day, unemployed. He rants every day how he needs to get her out and doesn’t do a thing. He’s never been the type to make empty promises, that’s always been my mother. But this is this one thing he’s never done for us, and it’s the one thing that we need more than anything else. He’s still legally married to her. He doesn’t get a divorce claiming it takes too much time and money, and that he doesn’t want her turning it into a heated custody battle. She’s a nice person and I really wouldn’t like the think she would try that but a few times she’s gotten really nasty. I don’t know what makes her get like that, and I don’t see it often.

Home life has been just as confusing as usual and I said before that it’s been a pain to wake up, no kid likes to get up in the morning and go to school, I have no motivation to get up because I have nothing to look forward too. We don’t do anything fun after school at home anyways. Theaters been helping with this, it gives me an escape and the people in it are great. But going home after that sucks. Schools been getting a lot worse because I think I might be getting bullied now. I’ve never been bullied before so I don’t even know what it really feels like. I’ve never been popular since elementary but I’m not an outcast. I’m well known in my school but not popular. I don’t really know what would make me get bullied. I guess if you really think about it I would fit into a “nerdy” category. I have glasses, braces, straight A’s, I do theater, and play the violin. But i think it’s really just the braces and glasses because the rest are what most popular people have. Outcasts are only outcasts usually for being lazy or “ghetto”. Recently, this fairly popular boy was seated next to me in two classes I have with him daily. Math and Biology. I’ve known him since elementary but never talked to him much. We started talking more and I thought he was cute but didn’t really have much of a crush on him. But he acted strange in front of his friends. In math, his friend sits next to him and they started making fun of my looks, my glasses, my clothes, my hands, really anything. They laughed it off and I took advice from my dad and laughed it off with them. I thought it was kind of funny and tried to laugh at myself to get them to chill out but it only got worse. They started making me look dumb in front of my math teacher. I remember a few weeks ago, the teacher was going over a trick question. Quite a few were stumped on it but I understood it. The two eventually understood and when the teacher asked for the answer she called on me, I said the correct answer but she asked me to repeat it (I’m at the back of the classroom) and the two shouted the answer the wrong answer other people thought it was. They did this multiple times, blamed me for their phone going off, threw stuff and blamed it on me, tried telling the teacher I hurt them. Luckily the teacher ignored them but I know she likes them more than me because they pretend to laugh at her jokes. He did this a lot in biology too but it got worse when his other friend was moved to our table and he felt the need to impress him. He would act normal sometimes, ask me for answers, if I refused then he would yell at me saying I have to since I’m his group member. If I made any mistakes then he would call me stupid repeatedly and get others to do the same. I though this was all bad enough until he started becoming, well, sexual about it. He started that in math about 2 weeks ago telling me that I was inferior to him and mainly just sexist things but then started asking me inappropriate questions like asking how many inches I could take and then started talking about his personal… stuff. The seating arrangements in math and biology are different and he sits in front of me in math and every single day for weeks and weeks on end hes been reaching back to me, pretending to yawn, and try reaching for my hand. I thought it was nice and cute at first but now it’s just annoying and weird. A lot of times he ripped up my work, broke my pencils, drew all over my paper and laughing thinking he was the funniest thing that’s ever lived. I retaliated by doing the same thing back to him and he called me weird and crazy. He broke so many of my pencils. He hasn’t done that in a few days though he did take my mechanical pencil (a really nice one) and threaten to break it. A few times he tried to fall on me and i pushed him away from me and he responds with “come on you would not push me away if I did that” him and his buddy in math often takes pictures of me and laughs at them, sometimes puts ugly filters on them and sends them to people I don’t know online, sometimes posting them publicly. A lot of times he’s made fun of me being a virgin. As if it was any of his business. He shouts it out to the class. For some reason, a while before he started acting like this, I told him about my ex, which I don’t tell people because I don’t like talking about those things, he didn’t tell others at first saying it’s not a big deal but then told a bunch of people right in front of me and then shouted out “so what you dated ———“ to the entire class. Today though was way weirder than it’s been. In biology he was behind on his work because I refused to help him anymore. He was constantly making dirty jokes and talking about me innaproprietly to his friend, saying I had no jawline and that I was fat and gross. He then told me to look at an Instagram post of some girl on his phone and when I looked, it was a picture of her naked. He thought it was so funny, him and his friend were laughing like there was no tomarrow. And then math (which was before biology today) him and his friends we making me look at their phones where they were pulling up pornography. All kinds of pictures and videos on their phones. I was disgusted. It’s shocking how teachers don’t notice this stuff. I can’t take them anymore.

But whenever Im mad at them and am thinking about reporting them, It’s like immediately forget all the weird things they did and I act like nothings happened. I even forget everything that they’ve done. I had to write a list so that I would forget (in French so no one would read it) I do this with my parents too. They do something unforgivable and I almost forget and everything’s fine the next day. I don’t really forget what happened. I forget the details and what made it so bad, and how I felt in that moment. I really want to report them but I’m afraid that that will only make it worse.