life : I’m 20 now and lots of things... - Anxiety and Depre...

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life

sadfacesushi
sadfacesushi

I’m 20 now and lots of things have happened. Starting with being molested by my cousin up until high school to gaining an asshole predator of a step dad. To to finding my dad dead in 8th grade and learning afterwards that I have a half brother somewhere. Being raped by friends because i wasn’t in my right mind and my cousin conditioned the word “no” out of my brain. To getting into drugs and spending all 66k of his life insurance money once I turned 18 (half probably on drugs) leading to being arrested at school senior year and being put on probation. Going further down the rabbit hole and staying up on coke and ecstasy for days, sometimes weeks. Having fights with my boyfriend (now three years together) that we regret and will forever remember. Then getting arrested with him and getting 7 more charges and spending 100 days in jail. And so much other things that are too much for my heart and mind to type out. I’m just tired of everything. Nothing was supposed to be like this. I feel like I don’t need to bother anymore. I don’t feel appreciated. Nothing I do is good enough for anyone.

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Hidden
Hidden

I am sorry to learn of your past. You have been through so much and carry a heavy burden. Are you receiving any treatment for all you been through?

sadfacesushi
sadfacesushi in reply to Hidden

After my parents divorced they tried taking me to a therapist which I refused. After my dad died my mom forced me to go to another one and I tried jut because I didn’t have the energy to fight but that wasn’t helping. I was out on lithium carbonate after my first arrest but that the worst decision they could have made. I started abusing it when I was extremely down and since I had a pill problem my first 3 gears of high school with vyvanse/Ritalin/adderall and sleeping meds I refused to keep taking them for my own sake. I started seeing a therapist who was me when I wasn’t as bad, and watched me slowly get worse and skinnier and finally I stopped showing up and got arrested the second time. I see her now at least once a month (just because I work so much it’s hard to schedule). I like her a lot and it’s the most open I’ve been with a therapist voluntarily. After I bailed out of jail I enrolled myself in rehab and completely the program and just continued to see her.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to sadfacesushi

i recently started therapy myself for depression. I don’t know if it is helping me. That you have come this far after everything you been through is amazing. Not many people could do that.

sadfacesushi
sadfacesushi in reply to Hidden

My best advice is just be honest. Even if that means saying that you don’t want to say anything. The whole point of therapy is to help yourself. I don’t mean rescheduling (unless something out of your control prevents it) or not showing up. Because once you stop putting forth effort to show up to someone that’s only there to help you then it all goes downhill. I think it’s also good to find out what hobbies you both have in common so you have something to fall back on in moments where you don’t have anything to say.

And thank you for that, depression is so up and down and has many faces and feelings. I really do appreciate you noticing that about me but at the same time I’m still sad about so many things 🙂. If you ever want to talk, feel free to message me. I let my depression give me too many reasons to not actively be on here. I’m going to make it a small daily goal to check this as much as I do my games I play when I don’t know what else to do.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to sadfacesushi

Thanks. I am not in a place to discuss what I got going on. Not ready yet.

sadfacesushi
sadfacesushi in reply to Hidden

I completely understand. Never rush or force yourself. That creates backtrack and no one needs that. I hope you have a good night 🌙

sadfacesushi
sadfacesushi in reply to Hidden

I’m a psychology major which makes all of these issues even worse because I’m already so aware of everything going on, that I think it’s the reason I’ve always been turned off by therapists. I know it helps to talk though, which is why I go all out (for the most part) when I see her. I wish I could just turn off my brain sometimes for so many reasons

Hidden
Hidden in reply to sadfacesushi

Yeah sometimes our brains can work against us.

youtu.be/9Mc4iaN-_RQ

sadfacesushi
sadfacesushi in reply to Hidden

That was funny

sadfacesushi
sadfacesushi in reply to Hidden

dictionaryofobscuresorrows....

Hi things will get better for you now you have taken charge of your life and are getting help. You have been through an awful lot in your young life and I think you must be suffering from PTSD at the very least.

You are on the right track now so keep on having treatment and hope coz things will seem a lot better one day. It will take time though. x

I appreciate that, it’s definitely a long journey that I’ve been on for a long time but that doesn’t mean the whole ride will be bad. And yes I am diagnosed with PTSD, chronic major depression, anxiety, and ocd.

If i believe things will get better then they will. .

It sounds weird, but I think that it is best to convert the bad things, from your past, into data. Don’t ignore or forget what happened, just take away the emotion. This is part of acceptance. The past does not affect the future, it only affects the now. The now affects our future. To have a positive future, we have to start now.

sadfacesushi
sadfacesushi in reply to gerg

I actually really like that, thank you for giving me a different perspective to use. I hope everything is going well for you gerg

So sorry for the struggles. The only person you need to be good enough for is you. Try to take a quiet reflective moment to decide what you want most in life and then set a plan and go for it. Please consider some form of therapy to learn coping skills other than drugs and things that get you arrested. Those are only temporary escapes. The hard part may be deciding you truly want a change, then sticking to it. But it can be done. We are here to encourage you on the journey. Prayers for peace, wisdom and strength.

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