Finding myself

[DiamondNTheRough]

45 y/o female. I’m dealing with loneliness, failure, and rejection. I’m trying to find myself again. I’m an over thinker that can not shut my mind off. I’ve lost interest in almost everything and lost of appetite. I throw myself into work and then get burned out. I’m almost always sad and I do not know why.

[Mikam1967]

My sweet friend. I know how hard it is to deal with loneliness and depression and anxiety. I think the pandemic didn't help much either. It's very difficult to deal with these emotions. Sometimes, we need help talking to others or even talking with a doctor or counselor. I have my kids to keep me busy and my mind off of things. But when they leave for the weekened the anxiety comes back. There must be something you like to do or even zoom online with friends? Maybe there's a way to find happiness other ways? I have faith that we both can get out of this together. If you want to chat just message me if you feel comfortable. Take care. Sending hugs and hope and prayers.

[DiamondNTheRough in reply to Mikam1967]

Thank you for reaching out. I’ve been without my kids for 3 years now they’re all grown up. I find joy when I see my grandson when I finally urge myself to get out of bed to be productive other than work. I use to be such a happy person! Life of the party now I feel like crawling under a rock!

[HerStoryUntold in reply to Mikam1967]

I'm still a teen but I just know that finding meaning in your life by working is the worst possible solution. Yet it's my solution and I feel like a slave to work because it's the only thing that will make my life meaningful. I'm in a serious need of knowing what to do, now that I recognize the problem because I don't know any good solutions. I feel like I will always be a slave to work.

[DiamondNTheRough in reply to HerStoryUntold]

Do you have any interest outside of work? I never developed any when I was younger. I think this is one reason I throw myself in because I don’t have anything else outside of work. My guys are grown with their own lives now. So I feel useless unless I’m at work.. sometimes. Sometimes I feel useless there when I start getting in my head and paranoid like I’m not getting enough done there.

[HerStoryUntold in reply to DiamondNTheRough]

I have recently invested in a camera (about $1,700 ) because I find that sunsets are just breath taking. However, I'm so caught up in working that I'm finding it kind of sad that I can't find a valid reason to just waste time taking pictures. I try to exercise because I'm in Track, but when things get tough, I find no meaning or motivation to even do that. I feel that I can't distract myself with friends because I feel there are barriers like me being Mexican and them being American, having different religions and opposing views, and so on. I feel bad that I just turn to work because there will always be work for me...until there isn't (then I wouldn't know what to do with my life anymore). Thank you for even acknowledging I exist (not many people do that).

[DiamondNTheRough in reply to HerStoryUntold]

Sunsets are beautiful! Maybe try if you’re at work during the time to start taking a break at sunset to just look and enjoy. I understand having a different ethnicity. I’m part Filipino and part black. Never accepted by either group. As for not being acknowledged when I use to try to talk with family or a so I thought friend I was either judged or brushed off like it’s all in my head. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way and so young. Virtual hugs❣️

[Adlon57]

I am a night person, a deep thinker, living on my own for nineteen years, prefer my own company, vulnerably disabled. My brain always works better at night thus my sleeping patterns are hopeless, high IQ , like to theologize until early in the morning! I am always burnt out, dislike 'modern society', cannot understand today's values, thus always a loner!👍

[Siva_k in reply to Adlon57]

Yes i completely understand you. I have been going through the same thing. Can't hold a long conversation with any one my age. I always see through the illusions of reality which others can't understand and that makes me a loner.

[DiamondNTheRough in reply to Adlon57]

I work a graveyard shift job. Omg I’m in my head all night! Sleep pattern ah what’s that I’m all out of wack! I can not understand the modern day values either! Especially when they’re coming from ppl my age or older! I’m so sick of self centered acts. I’m tired of being walked on.

[Adlon57 in reply to DiamondNTheRough]

The power of TV and the general crap that is coming out of it, the Covid pandemic. means standards have had a distinct decline right across the board, more 'celebrity' "shows", overkill of live medical 'programs' thrill the viewers, more violent "crime" [the more gorier the better🤮🙄] more swearing🤬, camp crap bore the viewers, effeminate comments, "rite common muck"🥴, as long as the younger generation implode their 'say' in it? [In your face!!!] You wonder why BBC is meant to be stopping TV licence? The general standard of eloquent speech does not now exist! After 23.00 pm off!BBC Channel 23 is their tired limp reply!

😤😤😤😤😤😤 In years to come people will say do you remember 2019 the pre-pandemic era? Those were the days!😱 You wonder why there is more general depression right across all ages?🥶🥶🥶

[DiamondNTheRough]

Thank you. I’ve been in the janitorial industry for over 10 years. I’ve always hated it until I reached management. Then in October I stepped down after a promotion. Since then I feel like I’ve been spiraling.

[designguy]

You might start by investigate why you throw yourself into your work. What emotional pain or shame are you trying to cover up or hide from by doing that. Make an effort to determine what your story is that is driving your subconscious and your current circumstances so you can have the awareness to change it and live the life you want.

It took me years to realize that life is an inside job not an outside one, I was so focused on my career/identity at the expense of a balanced and more fulfilling life.

[DiamondNTheRough in reply to designguy]

Thank you. I feel like I’ve got a lot of trauma starting from such a young age. I didn’t realize I was dealing with depression until some years ago after moving to a new state. I make appointments to speak with counselors then I either feel better and don’t go or can’t gather the energy. I use to think just snap out of this and it use to work but not anymore. I think I throw myself so deeply in work because I don’t feel successful in real life.

[designguy in reply to DiamondNTheRough]

You're welcome, I can relate to the never feeling good enough syndrome, I use to have it. You might look into working with a therapist who specializes in treating trauma and c-ptsd, mine uses emdr therapy which I found very helpful. I grew up in an emotionally repressed household and I was bullied as a kid in school and had low-self-worth and low-self-esteem as a result which fostered my never feeling good enough so I also worked on improving it and reclaiming myself which you might consider. I also realized how much my childhood negatively impacted me and started reading about CEN Childhood Emotional Neglect. These are some of the things that helped me.

[DiamondNTheRough in reply to designguy]

Again thank you. Yes I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I definitely need to actually speak with someone licensed! I’ve dealt with sexual, verbal, physical abuse almost all my life that I can remember. Younger I just felt I needed to get over crap because that’s what you do. It worked for a while. And then my kids grew they don’t need me and I feel stuck in my head now replaying situations I’ve forgotten for years. I cry just as I’m driving and a thought crosses my mind. I’ve never thought of anything like harming myself. But I have thought it might just be better if I’m not here to deal. And then I snap out of that quick. I do like living I just feel like I don’t have anything to live for at the moment. Again why work these days being short staffed someone needs me right..?..

[designguy in reply to DiamondNTheRough]

I think you'll be very glad you decided to speak with someone and realize you don't have to keep repressing your baggage and that you can really lighten your load and start to really enjoy your liberated life. As a favorite therapist of mine said, "it's never too late to have a happy childhood" you just need to take the first step, i'm sure glad I did.

[XoxoFaith in reply to DiamondNTheRough]

I have so much in common with you I also went through verbal and physical abuse I have anxiety and depression everyday and don’t have the motivation for anything no more nothing makes me happy only my kids but Iam so scared to think one day they will leave and I will be more depressed i don’t have no motivation to go to work but do it because I have to and there’s no other choice Iam here for you

[DiamondNTheRough in reply to XoxoFaith]

Thank you sorry for the delay I checked out for a bit. One of my moments of knowing that I was alone is seeing that my sons now have to put their family first. That’s not a bad thing really just makes me sad sometimes. I wish I had someone to put my feelings first like I do so many others. I finally admitted that my best friend truly isn’t my friend and confronted her. I just know that I have to make the steps for change for my emotional stability because right now I am all over the place.

[HerStoryUntold]

I think I fall into the category of being a work-a-holic because it seems to be the only thing I can and have to do. I will be honest and say I don't know what to do in my current situation. I have tried to reach out to certain people like "friends" and they say not to worry too much and focus on having fun in other things. I was conversing with someone and I live in a pretty religious state (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) and he said that I can't serve two masters because I will ultimately upset one or the other. I will leave that up to interpretation! I am not the same religion and I wouldn't quite understand what "master" I have other than being a slave to work. The first step is to realize it is a lie. You are not a slave and you are the master of your town destiny. That took me months to fully grasp as I had mental break-downs and seemed to cry every day after work. I still realize it is something I was "nudged" into as a kid in society tell me I have to be the best, I have to pursue a career, I have to sacrifice everything I could ever love and need in order to fit these unrealistically high expectations for myself. Step #1 realize the problem, even if it takes weeks, months, or even years and know you have the power to change (even if you don't feel like it👍) You're someone in real life that struggles with life and pain and trials and I love and care for you. I really don't know you, but I feel dar more connected with you than anyone I know in "real life". I wish only the best for you 🤗❤️❤️❤️❤️

[HerStoryUntold in reply to HerStoryUntold]

To clarify, I live in Utah 🤪