Disappointed in myself...

[coolkitty1934]

I used to have all A's and B's in middle school but now im in high school and every year my grades get worse and worse finally today i am starting summer school...why cant i just get better grades like before?my parents and grandparents are very disappointed as well...The one thing i was actually good at is gone and now i feel so helpless and defeated...

[AnxiousSilver]

Unfortunately, IDK your full story, but I will say this.

My grades in HS and first 2 years in Community College sucked, and my grades in grammar school were great.

.

For me.. I knew what my problem was. My mind was too busy on chasing girls back then. All I wanted to do was work and chasing/dating girls, and my parents pretty much wanted to kill me for that back then. 😂

Fortunately, I got my act together, went back to school and had near perfect grades.

.

I'll say this about HS. HS is too distracting with "peer pressure". Peer pressure is at it's highest in HS/beginning college. (at least IMO)

Sometimes you're more focused in being cool, and trying to fit in than getting better grades.

.

IDK.. Maybe what I shared helps you, maybe it doesn't, but I'm living proof that your grades can be good in grammar school, suck in HS, suck in the beginning of college, but still finish on a positive note.

[AnxiousSilver]

"I didn't love high school"

Oh you mean that more locked down "Breakfast Club" trying to fit in type of feeling?

🤣🙂😑

Yeah I didn't miss those days either.

.

College I agree is waaaay better.

Especially if you have somewhat of an idea of what you want to do, so you can customize your schedule to fit your lifestyle. (or work schedule)

[coolkitty1934]

boring?i wouldnt say boring i would say stressful and overwhelming

[coolkitty1934]

lucky you haha

[mvillarreal]

Is there something that you think is contributing to the declining of your grades? That question might help you to get to the root of the problem. In the meantime, don't be too hard on yourself. Grades do not define you as a person.

[coolkitty1934 in reply to mvillarreal]

all my problems stem from the fact i hate myself it is been rooted in me so deep its practically impossible to get rid of it

[mvillarreal in reply to coolkitty1934]

If you don't mind the question, why do you hate yourself?

[coolkitty1934 in reply to mvillarreal]

i was kind of rebellious like trash the room rebellious and it caused so much stress and tore my family apart

[mvillarreal in reply to coolkitty1934]

Okay. That's fair. But are you rebellious now?

[coolkitty1934 in reply to mvillarreal]

yes though not as bad as before but my little brother watched me and now they have to deal with him..

[mvillarreal in reply to coolkitty1934]

First, I bet your "rebellious" behavior probably isn't as bad as you are construing it in your mind. You may have come to see yourself as bad because of overblown criticism you've received from others. Second, if you stop the behavior you are still doing, this opens room for you to feel open to forgiving yourself. What's keeping you from stopping some of the behavior?

[coolkitty1934 in reply to mvillarreal]

habit it just happens automatically

[mvillarreal in reply to coolkitty1934]

Is it possible for you to get some help to stop the behavior? The fact that you recognize you have a problem shows that you are not inherently a bad person. It just means you might have some things to work on.

[coolkitty1934 in reply to mvillarreal]

i have been seeing a therapist for 5 going on 6 years now

[mvillarreal in reply to coolkitty1934]

Maybe that's something you can work on with your therapist.

[coolkitty1934 in reply to mvillarreal]

i have been all this time

[mvillarreal in reply to coolkitty1934]

So it's a work of progress that you've already taken steps to address. You're not a bad person; you're a work in progress.

[silentdreamer20]

Hey, "coolkitty"! Your post reminds me so much of my HS experience. I went through the comments and saw that you have been rebellious, your brother is following in your footsteps, and you are also in continued therapy. While in therapy, are you being open to actually receive help? There's a huge difference between being in therapy, and being in therapy with an open mind. I used to go to therapy with the mindset, "this is bs and not going to help me." So, I wasn't completely real with the therapist and I never took to heart anything they said to me. Ergo, the behavior just continued. I hated myself so much as a teenager that I did horrible in school. While I cared about my grades, I didn't care enough about myself to put real effort into my grades. I felt like my world was spiraling out of control and I had no way of getting grounded to set it back on course. So, I basically just continued with my wild behavior until reality knocked me on my rear, and I had to make a big decision. I decided to take my therapy seriously and talk about what was going on, how I was feeling, and wanting to get help. I also decided I didn't want to be left behind and I asked for tutors where I needed them. I brought my grades up and ended up graduating with an advanced diploma. Which, let me add, was amazing because I wasn't going to graduate at all. You can be in therapy for years, but until you make the decision that YOU WANT to be there and YOU WANT the help and the change, it won't accomplish anything. I am speaking 100% from experience.

[coolkitty1934 in reply to silentdreamer20]

i want to change and that is the problem this unconscious part of me makes it so that if i want something i dont let myself get it

[coolkitty1934 in reply to silentdreamer20]

my hatred for myself has grown so deep that i just punish myself without even meaning to

[silentdreamer20 in reply to coolkitty1934]

Have you discussed this side of it with your therapist? I used to self-sabotage by not being completely real in therapy. In fact, I still do that crap. I'm open enough to get by, but not entirely. I struggle with avoidance techniques and self-sabotage 😕. I recently got back into therapy and I have to remind myself every single day that I will be 100% real. I will do every exercise given to me. I will do my best. And it is hard as hell, but it's making me address things I tend to avoid.

[coolkitty1934 in reply to silentdreamer20]

yeah i am real actually therapy is the reason why i know that about myself now starting out we had no clue why i was acting out but now i know the root of all my problems

[coolkitty1934 in reply to silentdreamer20]

that doesnt change the fact that my hatred for myself has been left alone for 5-6 years and has become a core part of me..

[silentdreamer20 in reply to coolkitty1934]

I'm glad you are "real" in your sessions. Keep working with the therapist on your self-hate. Therapy takes time. Sometimes, we fall backward in healing, but that doesn't take away from the progress made. Give yourself credit where credit is due. It sounds like you have made some accomplishments in this process, which is a good sign. Don't give up on yourself. Also, remember that we are our hardest critics. The best advice I can give, and I know I am "running on," but keep working with your therapist and working on yourself. Give yourself some leeway to have ups and downs. If this place is somewhere you can be open and honest (with the help of anonymity,) continue to post here. When it comes to school, ask for a tutor. Exercise releases those "feel good" endorphins that help us. You can even look up things on youtube to do at home. You can get through this.❤️