Death

[stoiclover]

Why cant I concentrate? Is it because I'm not interested in what I'm doing or I'm just lazy? I feel shameful all the god damn time about myself and the sick twisted perverted things I've done in my past. Whenever I try to better myself through education or exercise or whatever everything starts out ok but then my mind starts going against me. It will find any and every little shitty thing I've done and remind of why I don't deserve this, I'm not worth all of this, I'm lazy, an asshole, anything it can to stop the progress. I've tried therapy and groups and am currently taking a low dose antidepressant and have found i tend to use those things as crunches for staying f'd up. I need something to shut the mind down, alcohol used to do that for me. Forgiving one self is a fairy tale philosophy to me, thats not how life works in my book. We learn and we move on!

I tend to believe I'm just lazy. I started drinking and drugging at such a young age i never really matured and grew properly, emotionally, socially, physically. So now, sober and trying to better myself is a tough thing to do. and growing up, when things got tough I ran away, got stoned took the easy way out.

I dont know people... maybe its just too much coffee. Maybe I'm too hard on myself like our snowflake culture wants us to believe and i need a safe space where things are easy all the time. I simply believe I'm just lazy and procrastinate, but the way i procrastinate is making me feel extremely low.

How do we beat our own mind? the one thing that knows all our secrets all our fears, wants, desires. Again i've tried the therapy, meds, talk groups, meditation, spirituality, accepting jesus into my life. Nothing sticks everything is a grind!! I awlays end up thinking about death whenever i sit down or begin something productive and self improving. I think in the end will any of this stupid shit really matter? all that matters is how you made people feel and ive made alot of people feel like shit, an apology wont fix.

[Hidden]

Motivational videos YouTube just google - I hope it helps !!!

[samack]

For me, meds cut through the rumination and have you tried trauma therapy? Meds are trial and error. It took me a long time to find what works for me and the rest is done by any number of therapeutic interventions. Maybe you haven't found your match yet.

[Zhangliqun]

Yes, your mind has problems but demons will exploit them. The demons fear what you might become if your progress doesn't stop. That alone is reason to cut through the undertow of your dark thought patterns and self-hatred that they egg on, and continue forward...

[Hidden]

I think what I really need these days is some form of anger management therapy. I try counting to ten, staying away from triggers, just walking away, try not to be so reactive. I even try not to listen to music with too much anger and swearing in it. But it’s there. I’ve read a couple of books about dealing with procrastinating. They simply were not useful to me.