Haunted By The Death Look

[CJ2016]

It has been six months since my mother unexpectedly passed away, and even though I had to do CPR on her the thing that haunts me the most is the look in her eyes prior to my brother and I had to start CPR.

I came to the realisation a few weeks back that I had seen that look before, it was when I had to do CPR on my next door neighbour.

And again when my grandmother was dying of cancer.

That look in there eyes , haunts me more then anything else from those nights , I will always live with the feeling of guilt.

The feeling like I failed , that is just who I am, but that look just really messes me up , and it's an image I do not want in my head.

But is unfortunately something I have to exist with, and it's really really tough.

[Opportunity]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I know that look. I’ve never seen it but someone close to me who is the most loving person in the whole world saw it once and described it. She was haunted by it too. It sounds like you did everything you possibly could, which ... maybe there’s a connection. Maybe you two saw it because you are the most loving people in the whole world. Chosen as guardians who can handle such matters. I don’t know, but I feel for you. 🌿

[CJ2016 in reply to Opportunity]

Thank you I appreciate the reply, and honestly words can not really describe "the look of death", it creates a scar that will never heal that's for sure.

What makes it even worse is that sometimes the image just pops into you're head out of no where, and it just kills me emotionally it just destroys me inside.

I have all these good memories and try to remember them, but the most powerful one since the day it happened is that look.

Sometimes it just feels like it's pushing me closer to that edge, it's not something I want to remember but knowing that it's something I have to try and live with.

I have seen it too many times now, and I honestly don't think I could cope with seeing it again.

[Opportunity in reply to CJ2016]

Amen to that. Im just realizing... the way you talk about this sounds like a PTSD reaction or flashback. If you see it again, you may want to handle it like a flashback. I am posting a link here about flashbacks and how to cope.

verywellmind.com/coping-wit...

🌿

[CJ2016 in reply to Opportunity]

Thanks, I'll take a look at it.

[b1b1b1]

Yes, I have seen that look when my husband died. It is very very upsetting. Perhaps the passage of time dims it a bit. I am not sure.

[CJ2016 in reply to b1b1b1]

I really hope so.

[Mumma_h]

It sounds like PTSD to me , I’ve never seen that look , but can imagine and that would be sooo traumatising . Try to remember that your mum would not want you to remember her that way , this NOT a criticism at all . Put the picture of her beautiful smile and eyes in your mind , remember the love she gave you or what’s brings up happy memories. Have a photo of your beautiful mum nearby so this bad memory can replaced with that . It was just one moment in time for her, she is at peace now , replace these awful images of her with all the beautiful memories of her 💕💕💕

[CJ2016 in reply to Mumma_h]

Thank you for the reply, and as I'm living with my father because he has MS and needs care the house is more or less surrounded with good pictures.

And I do try I really do, but unfortunately that image comes into my mind out of no where.

Even when exercising etc I could be half way through a work out and it comes into my head and that just destroys the motivation of the work out then.

[Mumma_h in reply to CJ2016]

That sounds horrible, I can’t even imagine what that’s like for you ☹️ I really hope over time it stops . Prayer coming your way . P.s your dad is lucky to have you , I hope my children love and care for me that much if I ever need it 💕

[CJ2016 in reply to Mumma_h]

Thank you, really appreciate it.

[b1b1b1 in reply to CJ2016]

That happens to me too.

[CJ2016 in reply to b1b1b1]

Sorry to hear that, it is horrible and would not wish it upon my worse enemy.

[Hidden]

You seem to make a connection between the appearance of your mother’s face, and your feelings of guilt. To be blunt, there is in reality, none.Someone who dies unexpectedly and suddenly will not have a facial expression under conscious control.

Talk to your doctor to discuss referral for psychotherapy, so that you can move on.

[CJ2016 in reply to Hidden]

I'll always feel guilt, I have always been a self critical person and I doubt that will ever change for me I seen it as that I failed despite knowing medically there was nothing else we could have done.

But again for me thats just not good enough , I feel like I failed, and it's a burden that I deserve to carry around for failing, to put it into perspective.

And by death look, its the facial expression I have seen 3 times moments prior to death , my neighbour had it, my mother had the exact same expression.

And my grandmother had it.

This was while they was still breathing but rapidly declining within a few mins prior to death.

Honestly unless you have experienced it, trying to describe it is difficult to try and explain in regards to how it is.

[b1b1b1 in reply to CJ2016]

I understand and know exactly what you mean. It comes back to me also, so vividly and clearly. Unless you have seen it, you cannot know what it is.

[Mrspjsmom]

You did everything you could. I have always believed when it is time for us to die nothing will change that.After my mother passed away I saw her in the hospital. For a long time that image haunted me. Eventually it came to me less often. I don't know if this will help but for a long time I kept a photo of her with me. When the image popped into my head I would look at the photo. So sorry for your loss. HUGS and BLESSINGS!

[CJ2016 in reply to Mrspjsmom]

Thank you, appreciate the reply, I too carry a picture of my mother, and my dog who passed under 2 months after my mother.