Anybody else out there in the same situation or feel like me?? I feel like I'm drowning or suffocating. I would love to hear from others!

[Purplelotusdragonfly]

Hello! I am a 46 yo woman from Saint Louis, MO, USA. I have suffered from major depressive disorder and moderate anxiety for several years. I have tried talk therapy, LOTS of meds, exercise, etc. I also suffer from insomnia, Migraines and GI issuses. I still see my psychologist every few months and have told her that I don't think my meds are working very well anymore. I have canceled plans with family and friends on multiple occasions. Hoping to chat with others like me and hear their stories as well.

[Daesin]

Welcome to the group. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling but I believe there are a lot of us here that can relate.

You said that you don't think your meds are working right. That is definitely something many of us have experienced or are currently experiencing. Finding the right med at the right dose at the right time in your life can be a challenge. Keep working with your team and keep expressing how you feel because you're the only one that can.

You said that you've been canceling on friends and family, why? Trust me I'm not judging. I'm currently in bed under a heavy blanket with a cat on my lap rather than being outside with the real world. Granted I could say it's because there's way too much snow out there right now on, but that's not really why.

I know that you're able to find support here, these are good people.

[Purplelotusdragonfly in reply to Daesin]

Thank you so much!! I don't cancel ALL the time, but a LOT of times. I would rather stay home with my dog sometimes. Lol! My shrink doesn't listen to me and I only spend 2 minutes in her office for each visit. I cancel because either I don't feel worthy, don't like myself or feel if there is somebody new at said function, then they won't like me for whatever reason. I don't like myself and have no self esteem. I am not a bad person by any means, I would bend over backwards for anyone. I am way to trusting of people. I just don't know how to feel better and can not get over my fear of acceptance.

[Daesin in reply to Purplelotusdragonfly]

Okay, one bite at a time. I'm having one of those days.

If you don't feel that a care provider is listening you need to address that when you see them next. I have found that by telling a doctor that you 'feel that they're rushing' tends to upset and slow them down. They get upset because they know that's exactly what they're doing. You deserve full attention during your time. If they can't provide that then you need to look at other options. Don't waste time on a provider that doesn't value and listen to you. There are far too many other options.

On the self-esteem issue... how can you be that bad of a person when your dog loves you?

I will tell you about new people what I tell my grandbabies about new foods. How will you ever find your next favorite food/person if you never try?

Are you going to like them all? Oh no there's going to be a whole lot of brussel sprouts involved, but once in awhile you're going to meet a chocolate-covered strawberry. Extend yourself once in awhile. Despite not wanting to, despite being afraid. Just extend a little bit.

I deal with anxiety myself and (besides meds) I have to self talk to get through some situations. It does come across as a bit strange but not a strange as me bursting into tears & knocking people over as I race for the exit. As expected I was never invited back to that place but they were brussel sprouts anyhow.

I also know that taking a dog into an environment tends to help. The focus is on the critter and not you. Give it a try.... find a dog park & have a chat with another dog or possibly the owner.

Keep trying, no matter what happens keep trying. Even a fenced in yard has a gate.

[QCuriosa in reply to Daesin]

Hi Daesin your I loved your reply to Purple. Anxiety is rather new to me , I mean this more raw version of it. If you can share what you find works, aside from self talk which works wonders. Are you on any meds ? I am already 66 and have always been reluctant to take anxiety meds just have been on Paxil forever. I use chamomille tea and use my heating pad on the neck and find some relief. How about you?

[Daesin in reply to QCuriosa]

I'm glad my words helped you. I would say that TODAY I can keep my anxiety at bay with little effort. But that's because I'm not going anywhere with 6 inches of snow outside. And although winter weather induces severe panic, it does keep me from having to deal with people in real life. So the only thing I have to do is avoid looking outside.

You asked what do I do that works. Let's just be really transparent here. Nothing works every time. If I have to go into town and make three stops I'm going to have to use a different set of tools for each stop because I will be different after each adventure into a store or interaction. There was a philosopher who said you never step in the same river twice. And that is absolutely true because nothing's going to work the same hour to hour day to day. Because you're not going to be the same.

It is very frustrating and actually increases my anxiety at times when I try to use a breathing exercise to calm myself down and it doesn't work. I have to grab another tool. Eventually I'm going to find something that's going to work. I just have to keep faith in my toolbox and in my skills. So I'm always interested in learning new things.

So what's in my toolbox?

Food music coloring books dance breathing worry-stone grounding techniques my cat my dog my kids my grandbabies naps sex gardening painting calling my sister laughter marijuana Valium maintaining adequate sleep maintaining healthy blood sugar not expecting unrealistic success there's just a bunch of different things.

But the biggest thing I think we need to do for ourselves is self-care. We have these lofty goals of what our success is going to be. My goal is not to get through the entire grocery store. I know that's not going to happen. That thought alone makes me start shaking & my heart starts climbing out of my throat. I'm setting myself up for failure right off the bat. Why? Because I've set my goal too high.

I don't care what anybody else's goal is or what their performance level is. I work what I can do. So maybe my goal is I get through the produce department and check out without yelling at anyone or running anyone over with the cart.

Once I do that I praise myself. Yes, i celebrate and maybe next time I do produce and pick up a gallon of milk. And again I reward myself for what I did well. Even if I start crying... if I got through the store I'm successful.

Give yourself a break and give yourself credit for what you succeed at... not what society thinks you should succeed at. I don't know if this is making sense or not but I sure hope it does. I think I'm just babbling again.

[Purplelotusdragonfly in reply to Daesin]

You are awesome! This really does help. I am definitely going to try a few of your techniques. I don't smoke weed, but I smoke cigarettes and my choice is alcohol. Hope we can keep each other posted and I will try to realize more of the good things!!💜

[QCuriosa in reply to Daesin]

And I love how you’re write! you remind me of myself in a way because I use Humor a lot . I don’t have any problem being around people in fact that’s what I crave. And this anxiety that I occasionally have well, I’m just learning more and more about it and I’m going to use a toolbox like yours and some things may work and some l maybe not . I used to smoke pot .People say CBD works great. I too need to set smaller goals and be happy when I can check off one thing off my list . I’m lucky that My afternoons and evenings are really good . Let’s keep sharing.Oh I wanted to share that I have a wonderful two-year-old grandson and two wonderful daughters I actually live with my older daughter for now I left my apartment and I’m enjoying living with family again. I lived by myself for seven years. Done with that for now

Thanks

[Purplelotusdragonfly in reply to QCuriosa]

Yes, we need to keep in touch! In a few weeks my mother in law is moving in with us. I am really having anxiety about that. She's 83 and has a lot of health issues and has NO FILTER about ANYTHING she says, so I am worried about everyone having really hurt feelings. It is going to a major adjustment for all of us. Might have to run away and join the 🎪 circus!

[Purplelotusdragonfly in reply to Daesin]

I LOVE your analogies!! I am married with 3 kids, 2 boys 1 girl. It is especially really hard right now bc both boys are in the military. The older one is my step and both of his parents, my husband and his mom, were in the service. Our other son graduated in May and was gone 10 days later. That one kills me!! My step lived with us off and on, but when the other one left, my heart shattered. That adds immensely to my depression and anxiety.

Just feel lonely bc my family doesn't understand and my friends think I'm just blowing them off. Lots of times, I am barely dealing with things.

About 10 years ago, our lives were in a horrible shit hole.

My hubby lost his job after being there for 15 years. This lead to a horrible spiral of many things.

*We lost our insurance and I was the sole provider for 5 of us. Could not get ANY help.

*Bc of this, we lost EVERYTHING. Our home, a car and had to move into an apartment. Then a storage unit that had so many sentimental things like my wedding dress that my mom made me.

* Then our daughter was very, very ill and in and out of the hospital for 15 months. She spent 2 Christmases in the hospital.

* Then during this time, we also lost a baby.

Finally after 11 years, we were able to buy a house again.

I just can NOT get over any of this.

[Daesin in reply to Purplelotusdragonfly]

No you can't get over things like this completely. These traumas and even the joys that you don't mention permeate through your skin and change the way we walk the way we talk the way we think the way we feel. They shape who you become. But you need to give yourself credit. You did get past them.

Let's take a slightly different perspective..... I see a woman that has been kicked in the head repeatedly and is still standing up and is still caring for her family and her dog and trying to do her best to care for herself. I see strength. Yeah you got some scars honey but we all do. Goddess knows there's serious duct tape and super glue going on in my life. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing great.

[Purplelotusdragonfly in reply to Daesin]

Daesin, THANK YOU!!! You just brought tears to my eyes!!💜 I am sending you the biggest hug!!

[Daesin in reply to Purplelotusdragonfly]

Aww thank you

[Purplelotusdragonfly in reply to Daesin]

Yw!

[QCuriosa in reply to Purplelotusdragonfly]

Wow it’s been a hard number of years . And yet here you are. You’ve survived it you survived all those things. One of the hardest things is not having someone who understands what you’re going through , who doesn’t understand depression ,?who doesn’t understand anxiety , who thinks you can just shake it off as if we wanted to feel this way right ? but here WE DO understand you ; we are there or we’ve been there and we have our hearts open to anybody that needs it . please continue writing , please take care of yourself , please hug your husband your child and feel the love they have for you. Because I don’t have a significant other sometimes I just hug myself and I actually give myself kisses in anyway possible because I love myself in fact I don’t think anybody loves us more than ourselves and it’s time that we show it.

[Purplelotusdragonfly in reply to QCuriosa]

I did overcome all of that. No idea how I pulled through, but here I am.

Yes!! Everyone says what do you have to be depressed about? Why are you so anxious? Exactly, who would choose this feel this way? Not 1 person. It definitely is not how I would choose. But I am so glad everyone understands here. My hubby and kids do not get it.

Sending you a big hug! Gotta go to bed, gotta work in the morning and go out in the crappy snow. Blah

[QCuriosa in reply to Purplelotusdragonfly]

I wish you the best of luck with your mother in law’s move. That’s a hard one especially when you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed but take it one day or hour at a time . At her age it’s gonna be very difficult for her to change right? Many people don’t get what we go through. it’s just hard to explain and they think you look okay for the most part so how dare you feel depressed?!

Anyway I’m hoping you are sleeping right now

[Roxylox in reply to Purplelotusdragonfly]

My dear girl , it would be impossible to get over all of that You had a horrendous time.

Absolutely bound to have lasting affects, perfectly natural

You should congratulate yourselves on having been able to buy a house again.

[Roxylox in reply to Purplelotusdragonfly]

I understand your fear of acceptance. I used to be too trusting of people too.I'm a bit less so now..

I have built a little self-esteem by developing my hobbies over the past 2 years.

I too would often rather stay home with my dog.

Advantage of dog is though they give you the incentive to go walking.

[Purplelotusdragonfly in reply to Roxylox]

Roxylox, thank you so much!💜

[QCuriosa]

Hello! I’m a 66 years old woman from Oregon ! I think I’ve had depression since my 40s but it used to be once a year, maybe every two years and it was moderate. Now, for the past year it’s more recurrent and very much diurnal as the late afternoon brings a change in mood. Also this year I think it’s more anxiety and it also goes away after some days . I have only been on Paxil and Lamictal Bc my psych thought I was bipolar 2 but after some months I realized that’s not me so I’m weaning and will stay just with my antidepressant .I am currently becoming very needy with my older daughter and get nervous when plans come up and she has to go somewhere. I know you are suffering and I’m here to listen. Tell me a bit about yourself.

Are anxious too? When do you feel worst,better? What is your current meds? For insomnia do you medicate?

[Purplelotusdragonfly in reply to QCuriosa]

Hello QCuriosa. Read my above response 1st. I do take meds daily, wellbutrin, luvox and ambien for the insomnia. Xanax as needed.

I am always anxious and I'm don't know when I feel better. I do NOT know how to relax and feel that I'm usually wound up pretty tight. I feel like I just run around in a vicious circle. One of my escapes is sleeping. A LOT. I have also tried to mask my feelings by drinking. I know neither of these are the answer by any means, but I just feel so lost and never heard.

[Agora1]

Welcome new friend :)Meds and talk therapy have their place in getting better. However, unless the

root of the issue is addressed, we can't heal. I can't speak for depression but can

for severe anxiety and agoraphobia that I lived with. Through the years, I realized

that it takes more to rid ourselves of the fear of fear.

We must love ourselves first in order to regain our self-esteem and confidence.

We can't feel intimidated by what we think others may say about us since we have

no control over their thoughts and actions.

We only have control over how we react to being with people.

No one is perfect, we all have our flaws, Once we are genuine in who we are and what

we are, we will no longer fear the unknown.

I'm so glad you are here with us as we learn from each other's journey in life. xx

[Purplelotusdragonfly in reply to Agora1]

Thank you so much!! Your points are right on it!💜 But, it is so hard to do

[Agora1 in reply to Purplelotusdragonfly]

Anything worth while in life is difficult but so worth the results.I no longer suffer with Agoraphobia or Anxiety. I now have

control over my emotions and my life and it is an amazing feeling.

Worth every difficult step I took and now I am here to pay it forward

in helping others. There are many people on this site in the same position,

We come with our hand out to help no matter what stage we are at. That's

what makes this site so great. Through our pain and suffering as well as

our experience, we reach out to others so that they may not feel so alone. xx

[Purplelotusdragonfly in reply to Agora1]

Agora1, thank you so much! That is were I want to be! The other side, with all this craziness inside of me, to be under control and not be the orge I see myself as.💜

[Against_the_current]

My mom is the same age and she's same despite the fact that instead of therapy she uses alcholol and scaring the hell out of us. Weirdly i felt comfort by your post, maybe seeing others her age having it too or some nice vibe. You're doing better than you think. I've been crying all day because of my mom and comfirting me is a big thing. You try to get better. She just ruins herself, me, sis and everyone around her. She's probably not even depressive but bipolar but i don't know because she refuses to see a therapist. You're doing much better. I have to see therapist and psychiatrist because of her and nothing is working. Sis will probably have too

[Purplelotusdragonfly in reply to Against_the_current]

Real_me, thank you. I know when I drink, I can't stop. My hubby hates it, my kids hate it, I hate myself. That is my duct tape. I'm really sorry you and your family are going through this. I'm not making excuses, but maybe your mom has some really deep wounds and like me, doesn't know how to heal. Maybe she's scared. I don't know, but I will definitely be here if you need to vent. I used to cry all the time for the same reasons, but it was my dad, not my mom. Almost 47 years old and really have a hard time dealing with how he handled things. I have many regrets and many joys, but I can never LET GO. I feel like I live "Groundhog Day" repeatedly. (I hope you get that movie reference. LOL)You and I are living the same way, just both of us on the opposite side. I really hope we can help heal each other.

💜

[Against_the_current in reply to Purplelotusdragonfly]

I'm worried about her and everyone telling me she has issues.... She won't go to therapy or discuss it. I can't take it. I'm just trying to not turn into her

[Purplelotusdragonfly in reply to Against_the_current]

Real_Me, I fear that I'm going to turn into my father. He's a lot like your mom it sounds. BUT, so far I haven't and neither will you.

My dad is an alcoholic and we've had many days of screaming and yelling. Many times wishing my mom would leave him, having the cops show up, family members coming to get him. It's really hard. They have married for 52 years and I really, really do not know how. Sometimes, I cry in the shower or my pillow when I can. Sometimes, I bottle everything up inside me and just dwell on things that have gone bad or wrong. I also feel guilty and some of this was not of my doing. It just sucks

[san_ray70]

Welcome to this group, I do not suffer from depression, I am an insomniac, it is my daughter who suffers from depression. She has not spoken to me for eleven years. That is why I joined this group, to see if I can get any ideas. I also speak to people on the phone who are lonely and depressed. I used to visit people in their homes before Covid. Now I call people every week, I am trying to help others even though I can not help my own daughter.

[Purplelotusdragonfly in reply to san_ray70]

San_ray70, I'm really sorry to hear about the relationship with you and your daughter. It does bring a smile to my face though, hearing that you want to help others. Sometimes just knowing that somebody is out there, that really WILL listen is great. I don't like to talk to my family or friends about most things having to do with my mental health/illness because I always feel like 1) I'm burdening them

2) Trying to work through things, I feel like a broken record

3) they have their own issues

4) scared of what they really think

5) I feel so lost sometimes

Please, please continue to help these people! Heaven knows we all need someone like you!💜

[Spooky99]

Meds are the only thing that worked for me. For me therapy, etc. didn’t work. I feel it did nothing. Maybe it works for others and that’s great. I believe it’s a chemical imbalance which can only be corrected by the right medication. This is no joke. It’s robbed me of most of my life. I self medicated with alcohol to get out the door. I’m sorry your going through this! I find exercise helps a lot. Try it.. make it fun to some good music! Hugs to you

[Purplelotusdragonfly in reply to Spooky99]

Spooky99, alcohol is definitely my coping mechanism. I have asked my psych about tweaking or changing my meds. She doesn't think she needs to. I have been starting to exercise and I feel pretty good after that. But right now we have a foot of snow. Literally. I know I can exercise inside, but I would much rather be outside. Therapy has not done anything for either. I think I am going to put on some pumping music and rock out for a bit. That sounds really good. I need a butt kicking concert about now!

[Josana13]

I can definitely relate to how you feel because I have been there. It is a scary and dark place to be. I said that I had been there, WHICH MEANS THAT IT WILL PASS. Hang in there, pray and keep busy until it passes. If you succumb to it, IT WILL CONTROL. You have the ability to get past this. DO IT. It is hard and takes putting one foot in front of another. Do not give it any power. You are the power. You control. You alone can change this by not giving it any power.

[Purplelotusdragonfly in reply to Josana13]

Josana, I love this!! Gotta take baby steps and baby breathes!💜

[Purplelotusdragonfly in reply to Josana13]

Josana13, really having a super difficult time right now. Am drinking, want to go to the pysch ward and just want to cry. My children are SO UNGRATEFUL and I can't take it anymore. I seriously would like to be a in a pysch ward. I am begging for help and feel like I'm being overlooked or ignored.

[Josana13 in reply to Purplelotusdragonfly]

Are you on medication, if so, let me know what you are taking. Please call your hotline and tell them how you feel. I totally can relate to you and understand. With love, I ask you to call the hotline for help. If you don't know the number and need help, tell me where you are. As far as your kids put them in the back burner for now. Let's concentrate on you. You are the important one and we all love u and each other very much.

[Purplelotusdragonfly]

Hello! I feel horrible. Have also been having horrible leg pains with the rest of all my other issues. I am begging for help or separation and can't seem to get any. Almost to the point of being suicidal. Why do I feel so horrible and nobody understands me?? Almost getting really desperate.

[Josana13]

Please stop drinking, it is a depressant and making things worse.

[Purplelotusdragonfly in reply to Josana13]

Josana13, I know, but don't know how else to deal. All I want to do is just sleep or drink. Not doing well emotionally right now.

[Purplelotusdragonfly]

Soothing, thank you!! Have been really having some hard days here recently. Along with everything else going on, just found out our son is getting deployed soon and I am devastated! I am so anxious about this. Also, our daughter is doing horrible in HS. She has never been a great student, but with all the world is going through right now, she is a terrible student. I have emailed her teachers, counselors, Special Ed school District and can't get her the help she needs. All of these things just add up making life so difficult for me right now. Having a really hard couple months. I love being around people, but right now, I don't want to leave my house. Just want to sleep all the time.

[Josana13]

I smoke marijuana at night for sleep. It is relaxing. Sleeping and drinking are a deadly combination. You will accomplish nothing, just get worse. I'm sure you don't want to be worse than you are right now, right? I want you to know that YOU, AND ONLY YOU, are in control. You decide to lift your hand, you decide to open and close your eyes. Now I want you to decide to get up, throw the alcohol away, get dressed, put some makeup on and sit outside, go for a ride, go to the store, or whatever you want. (Just break the monotony). Then you come home and get a piece of paper and draw a vertical line on the paper and on one side write "PROS" AND the other side write "CONS". Write all the pros and cons in your life. keep adding every day. Will you do this please. Love and kisses and hugs

[Purplelotusdragonfly in reply to Josana13]

I will definitely make a pros/cons list! Gonna get up and start cleaning the house. It's really cold and icy out right now. Will take a shower and beautify in a little bit. Supposed to have a fun night out tonight. We'll see how that goes. Thanks for caring! xoxo💜

[Purplelotusdragonfly]

Soothing, I just feel so lost and overwhelmed. I don't know what to do, because some of it is out of my control. And that makes it even worse. On my days off of work, I can not physically get off of my couch. I feel so much weight on me and can't get rid of it. A couple of nights ago, I broke down some and was sort of out of control. I kept screaming at my saint of a husband to just take me now and commit me. I can't deal anymore. Every muscle in my body just tenses up and I really and truly do not know how to relax or unwind. Feel like I'm just a mess and a disaster of a human.