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Anxiety and Depression Support
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Anxious attachment is new to me..Please help

I really need your help before I lose the most amazing relationship I feel I have ever had with my partner.

I suffer from jealousy and possessiveness which leaves me helplessly anxious. I have done a bit of research from my side and believe we both, me and my partner, suffer from these two really unbecoming traits.

The one thing though that I can say I did find out is that I suffer from anxious attachment, which is destroying me as a whole and my current relationship.

I am in desperate need for your help because the idea of suicide lately keeps popping up in my head and that makes me fear for my life altogether.

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Hi there. I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I've read quite a lot about attachment theory and I think it makes a lot of sense. I've also suffered a lot from anxiety in my life, although I would say I've never been particularly jealous or possessive. But when I hit 40 I began to feel very jealous of my siblings having good relationships and children. I think I'm over that now. Is there any way you could try to see a therapist regularly? They might be able to help you work through your feelings and learn some techniques for overcoming your jealous feelings? X

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Hi there

Thanks for your response but currently I can't afford a therapist really hence I joined health unlocked. I don't have friends, I've distanced myself from my family. So in a way I was hoping this could be my entry level form of therapy until I can find either a community based therapist or pay for one.

See with me it seems to be a lot of things at once.. Childhood scars, self doubt, bad experiences from previous relationships.. my list is a bit a handful and really I just need someone to talk to at this point.

Much appreciated.

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Aaah I understand it's important to talk through things with people. You are welcome to talk to me. I'm stuck in tonight been suffering horribly today and was feeling sad so came on here. I know how expensive it is to get therapy so I totally understand. I also distanced myself from my family several years ago as a result of some unhealthy dynamics and I found that most of my friends had moved away or had children etc and felt quite alone at times. I think this can happen to many people. You are not alone. How are you feeling right now? X

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Honestly.. I have feelings of guilt. And at the same time I am angry at myself in a way because I admitted to something I had not done to my partner because for three years now he has been accusing me of cheating on him when the thought has never really crossed my mind. Thought it would make things better but somehow it seems to be adding to my anxiety. What about yourself?

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I'm just resigned to feeling shitty for a while - delights of middle age I guess! Contemplating hysterectomy in my worst moments! So your partner was accusing you of cheating and out of frustration you eventually told him you had cheated when really you hadnt?

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Yip.. biggest mistake of my life.. how does one undo such even?

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It all sounds a bit messy to me.

Admitting to something you didn't do sounds very extreme to me and you need to put the record straight over that.

Maybe you both just need to take a bit of time out. It sounds complicated. Gemma

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It is quite messy right now because my frustrations I getting physical.. something I have done before in any of my previous relationships when all that bottled up frustration comes out. And being a Libra doesn't help my situation much either... But yes it is a mess that sex cannot even fix for my sanity and security.

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There are 4 things I think are important here:

1. You said that you felt jealous and possessive - have you ever accused him of cheating on you or had good reason to believe he has?

2. Sometimes when people accuse others of being unfaithful it's because they have been unfaithful themselves.

3. It takes two fully committed people to try to make a relationship work, so as much as you or I might be fully committed, we have no control over what the other person chooses to do, so when a relationship fails it is not necessarily your fault.

4. If you or I or anyone else for that matter has a very strong desire to have 'a relationship' sometimes we can attach ourselves to a person who may not really be right for us, even though our 'feelings' tell us otherwise. I think that if you make 2 lists of all the things that are good / bad about the relationship and you realise that most of the time you are suffering more than feeling contented, this relationship might be more based on an unhealthy attachment rather than a healthy loving relationship.

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Well not before he told me as he started accusing me...He started accusing me and then did it in my face.. well not literally but he came back and told me he had cheated on me the day after and blamed it on me.. yo it's such a long story that I I burn to tell to be quite honest..

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So you never doubted his loyalty until his accusations led you to lie and say you had cheated and then he went and cheated on you? So why do you think you are jealous or possesive?

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I never doubted his loyalty until he chose to believe the worst of me.

I think it's because of all the promises that we had made to one another which I assumed were strong enough to build that blind trust between us.. That's where it all began..When he started telling me how easy it was for him to do it..

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Thank you for the word of advice.. it is very much appreciated..

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Well it's just what came to mind. I know that I once had a partner who was very possesive. He'd call me all the time asking where I was not believing I was busy at work. Then when I had enough and broke up with him, he told me how I was the best thing how much I meant to him etc that he really loved me blah blah blah. Then 1 week later another woman posted a photo of her and him together hugging by the pool in a 5 star hotel in some exotic location! I could not believe my eyes! It was so freaking weird and then I spent a week or two isolating myself thinking it over and suddenly it seemed so clear to me why he had been accusing me all that time and acting all jealous - because HE was the one who was cheating! 😂

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Well your situation may well be different, but I do think it's possible that if another person persistently acts all jealous and possessive that it might be more to do with what's going on with them than anything you are doing. X

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That's quite true.. I'm a good example to be honest.. raised by a narcissistic father and a mother who made everything about herself.. perfect recipe for not being so sure who you really are and leaving you anxious in situations that are not so similar to that one because it's not what you're used to I think..

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Well when I was younger I used to feel I was responsible for pretty much everything that went badly in a relationship, but these days I am more able to set boundaries and feel confident that I know where my responsibility lies and let go of how the other person chooses to behave. I can understand how you said out of frustration that you had been unfaithful. You must have felt suffocated and at your wits end. That doesn't make it right and perhaps it would be a good idea to set the record straight. However, the fact that he was haranguing you about it for so long despite your denials and the fact that he was so quick to go out and cheat on you would make me seriously question the health and durability of your connection.

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Is this really the best relationship you would ever hope for? Do you not deserve something more loving, stable and fulfilling?

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Speaking of which.. he just came home from Lord knows where to accuse me of smelling like a condom..And this is not the first time this occurs.. have you ever had that issue before and if yes please help me out on what could be the cause of a vagina ever smelling like that when I have not had sex with anyone..

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I'm not sure I would take what he said literally. I imagine that's his way of expressing his doubts about your fidelity.

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Setting the record straight is pretty much what I had tried to do before confessing to something I had not done or ever dreamt of...I just wanted to know how I would start that conversation because my communication skills have not seemed to work despite my efforts to always remain polite and stern... I end up giving in to my frustrations and temper..

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Sounds to me like his words are not helping things either. In his book 'True Love' Thick Nhat Hanh has a chapter on 'Overcoming pride'. He talks about how a person's misperception can destroy an entire family. He says we are subject to misperceptions in our everyday lives and therefore we have to pay close attention to our perceptions. As long as we hang on to our misperceptions we continue to suffer and make other people suffer. He says you have to swallow your pride and go to your partner, ask them what you need to know, tell them you are suffering and that they have to help you. E.g. a man who thinks his wife was cheating "Who is this person who came every night? Our child told me about him. I am suffering so much my darling, you have to help me" I guess you could say you have something important to tell him, that you are suffering so much because you know it was wrong of you to say you had cheated when you hadnt, and ask him why he keeps on accusing you of cheating.

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And country boy is right. If you are feeling suicidal it would be a good idea to call a national suicide helpline then you can have a proper conversation on the phone 121 with someone who can really help talk things through with you. It's better to speak on the phone if you can't manage face to face therapy at the moment.

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God bless your soul..XO

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Hi. I have major problems with anxious attachment as well. This can also be love addict behavior. A couple good books are by Pia Melody and Melody Beattie. Both have great books about attachment trauma and codependency. You can also join Codependents Anonymous, a free 12 step program hopefully they have one in your area.

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Thank you so much hey..XOXO

God bless you.

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John Bradshaw is also a good author about this:). Peace and love ❤️ to you

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Wait a minute! Did you say suicide? Are you seeing a therapist? If you are not, you really really need to start right away. That is NOTHING to play with. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline Call 1-800-273-8255. Let's not play with that. You are far too precious to yourself, your family and humanity to ever harm yourself. You are such an important part of this earth!!!!

We read about your issues, now tell us something about you that you do well. I bet you are a gifted person. Tell us something positive about you. After you call the hotline above

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Thank you for the support.. I really need it now more than ever.. 2:22am is the time.. the angels are looking down upon me so I will do just that.. is it a 24hour service?

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Oh and is it a South African number?

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Have you spoken to your partner at all? Or maybe the two of you can go together for counselling. Trust is so important in a relationship and when you think you haven't got it, we all start thinking all kinds of things...you need to talk to your partner first as some of it could well be your imagination. Good luck xx

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