I Messed up

[anonymous030404]

(PART1) This is an post I did some time ago if you need more context “I need To find my Self if I can”

(PART2)

The Wife “Hi my angel. I love that you called me angel.

Yes I want us to reconnect.

I want you to heal.

Let's talk this weekend. I need to tell you something. It's about something I experienced when I was younger.

I'm. Stressed about our child. I only have emotional capacity to deal with one thing at a time. It's getting harder and harder for me to deal with multiple things at a time. So I shut off.

But I will tell you on the weekend ok. Love you my babes.

We had an chat and she told me I never call her angle anymore, I don’t do special things for her, I do not show my appreciation, I am neglecting her,

So I made an point to send her an love note every day, I looked up all the relationship advice I could find and I sent her links to once so we can read and work together and suggested we need to go see someone for help

Yes some of them suggested xxx, setting times, talking, I even found the 5 love language test with I sent her so we can see where we can find neutral ground and what I need to do more for her,

I suggested we have more us time just kissing before bed, holding hands more, intamicy not just x

“ was hurting still I do this but not getting any of the same back”

I Tried my best, and for an moment I was thinking we will

(PART3) I need Help safe my marriage I messed up

Last night I turned to my wife and she turned her back on me, I am on,

I turned back and after and bit of time I replied I think you should go see an doctor as you wore on for 2 weeks of for an week and on for 3 weeks, or is it something I did or …

She got up and left the room, next morning she pack an bag and left without an word for work

Then I got this in my e-mail

“How dare you.

You have just proved my point that I gave always been saying.

It's just about the fucking sex.

Just get it out of you head.

I am having problems with my period. I seem to be having it every 2 months. I have just finished a period that went on for two weeks.

Do you think I like it.

The doctor has already said there is nothing I can do until my period doesn't come for a period of 12 months.

Get someone else I will deal with my own issues like I always have had to dot while life.

I am tired.

I will move out you can deal with the house.

I was Stunned

Here is my Reply

“So sorry I only saw your mail after you called I could not reply as I was crying and could not think

“I love you,” “I am here for you,”

I hurt you deeply.

I wish you will tell me more about what you are going through and be honest and open to me so that we can deal with it as an team

You can tell me how you feel. I want to know that is why I keep asking if we can talk

I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m so sorry you are going through this I don’t what you to deal with issues alone and if I made you feel like I don’t care I am sorry

There is not and will not be anyone else

I see the hard work you do to make you feel and look better you are amazing

“I’m not going anywhere.” But I see you need your space, I have never nor will I ever walk out on you, so take the time you need to do what you need or what to do, knowing I am here,

When you ready and willing I truly think we should go for help as it is clear we need help, if you willing

Please be safe any angel I love you”

Later I got this

Hi I'm not coming home tonight, will be back tomorrow and will fetch my child from Ty.

(Part4)

how do I fix this I messed up and now I am going to loose the only person who matters to me !!!

[Salma2289]

I am so sorry for what you are going through now, and your words made me really cry that’s mean they are truly from your heart. Your message to her was really touching, still maybe it wasn’t enough to fix what your words maybe broke, maybe you need to give her some time, but try to be there not far and show her support and love. I wish things will be fine soon and both of you will reach a peace of mind.

[The_Color_Blue]

Hi. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I can hear the love and concern for your wife in your words. While it's true that you may not have handled things perfectly, your wife's response is not consistent with the situation. It's also true that I don't know the situation and have only the pieces you've shared here. I'm sure there is a lot going on in her world and it sounds like she's dealing with a lot of difficult emotions (from both present and past events). That said, this is also true:

In a relationship, you have every right to ask questions in a respectful way. You have a right to your needs. In a healthy relationship, one person dealing with something doesn't mean the other person isn't allowed to have a reaction. Just because one partner is working through an issue, this does not mean that we expect the other partner to walk on eggshells and cease to have wants and needs. We don't cease to be human just because someone we love is going through a difficult time. In a healthy relationship, both partners recognize the value of open communication. So one way that situation could have played out is like this:

You: I'm worried about you. I want you to be ok and that you're dealing with so much right now leaves me feeling helpless. I know you're feeling stressed and I want to support you, but I also want to make sure we're doing everything we can to keep you healthy. Do you think there are are doctors or specialists we can consult that might be able to offer you some relief?

Your wife: I feel angry and defensive when you ask about doctors. Given what I'm going through I already feel damaged and I feel like you couldn't possibly love me in the same way. When you ask about medical things, I think that you're only asking because I can't be what you want and then I feel even worse about myself.

You: ..... (here's where you would address her concerns in a healthy way).

There are several points here. First, the above is an example of healthy communication by both people. In many ways it is an "ideal" to strive for since it assumes that both people are commitment to learning, practicing, and prioritizing healthy communication. Often people do not exhibit healthy communication patterns (particularly when they are under stress, dealing with trauma, and feeling vulnerable). In fact, some people may never have learned how to communicate in a healthy way. Nevertheless, healthy communication is possible even under the worst of conditions.

Second, your wife's reaction suggests that she is responding to her own insecurities. While she may outwardly fault you, to leave your marriage because someone asks you in a respectful way about seeing a doctor would be an over-reaction. It may be beneficial to ask yourself what other things you might have said that could have added to this particular trigger. It's possible she was reading signals that you didn't know you were putting out there.

Third, you know more about your wife's headspace now. Her comments reveal that she feels that she cannot meet your needs. She likely feels vulnerable and insecure. Medical issues are always terrifying, but when they deal directly with a gendered issues there are added, compounded emotions. Women who have medical problems relating to reproductive organs or the things that make them feel "feminine" often find that those issues threaten their womanhood in unexpected ways. She may feel less desirable, she may feel less sexy, she may feel like she doesn't know how to be a wife when so much of what defines her as a woman is medically threatened.

Fourth, it is also true that her comments suggest she doesn't understand where you're coming from and she likely doesn't feel heard by you. The way to connect with someone who feels threatened (and has engaged that fight or flight response), is to connect with them on an emotional level. Listen to their emotions and the weight of their feelings. Recognize, validate, and respond to those before engaging the cause of the problem. One example might be: "I know what I said the other night hurt you. I'm so sorry. I chose my words poorly. It sounds like you think I only care about sex and I assure you that isn't the case. I want you to know that you, your mental (and physical) health, and overall wellbeing are the most important things in my world. I want to be here to support you. I want to be there for you and I want us to get through this together. I feel helpless when you are upset and there's nothing I can do. I feel scared that you're suffering and I cannot make it better. I want to be a good partner, but I need your help. I need you to tell me how I can better support you. I love you." - This is off the cuff and you will know better the specific issues in your marriage - but the point is that you're making an effort to own the words that hurt her, acknowledge her pain, express your feelings without making accusations (which is the difference between "I feel sad. I feel defensive. I feel **insert emotion word** - those are healthy ways of expressing feelings. In contrast, "I feel that you are being X. I feel that you are doing Y" - those are actually accusations and assumptions with the words "I feel" in front of them, and they are not particularly healthy phrases.)

Fifth, your wife has to want to save your marriage. She has to value you and herself enough to work for it. There's nothing you can do, say, or be that will "convince" her to change her mind if she's already made her decision. You cannot love her enough for the both of you. You can only control yourself and make the earnest effort. You also have to respect her choices. You should not have to beg someone to love you and be with you. You should not have to beg someone to see your value and worth. If they are incapable of seeing it, this isn't on you - but is likely a product of their own headspace and understanding of self.

Sit with yourself long enough to identify your own sources of frustration. Doing this will help you identify your own needs and concerns, and will ultimately help you set those aside in the first few conversations. You are not suppressing them, nor are you pretending that you don't have them. But connecting first and allowing your partner to see that what's driving your communication is genuine concern and reconciliation and NOT simply pursuit of your own interests is a necessary first step. This will help co-create an environment in which you both feel comfortable being open and honest about where you are and what you're feeling.

Finally, I would strongly urge you to consider therapy. Past trauma and present medical issues are heavy and layered things to process (both individually and as a couple). Having a therapist who can help you walk through this together would be an incredible benefit. They can help you create that safe space and help you to avoid unhealthy patterns (in your own thinking and in your approach to communication). As much as I think it could do you and wife a world of good, remember that she'd have to want it too. Counseling will only work if both people are committed to the process and share a desire for the same end goal.

You are not expected to be perfect all the time. You are not expected to hide who you are or your own mental/emotional needs just to avoid rocking the boat. This will create much larger problems down the road. Be open, honest, humble and more than anything else - listen actively and without an agenda. Paraphrase her words so that she knows you hear her. Prioritize the person over the problem. All we can expect from ourselves is that we atone for our errors, and learn and grow from our mistakes. You can do this. I wish you the best as you navigate this difficult situation.

[anonymous030404 in reply to The_Color_Blue]

Thanks for taking the time it helped much,

[Alladin]

I am also sorry for this sad turnout of events. But there is always hope. Sometimes time will heal things but not just sitting around and waiting for healing to happen. Get more help other than this forum. Friends or relatives can but also you might want to consider seeing a pastor from a nearby church and tell him about what had happened. They are trained to analyze relationships and marriage difficulties and will cost you nothing. People who are hurt tend to hurt other people, even without meaning to, because their language and actions are different compared to when they are not hurting, when they are joyful. I experienced this as well, many times and have been helped many times by different pastors and church people. I hope you would consider this. Take care, buddy.

[MaggieSylvie]

I am sorry you are going through this awful scenario. It does seem as if your wife is per-menopausal. It got to me when I was only 37 and I had no idea, especially as it seemed I had a viable pregnancy (that lasted 24 weeks). I went totally doolally. There were things that I was reacting to but I lost everything that year. Everything.

You are probably tired of hearing that men are from Mars and women are from Venus but we usually don't understand each other well. A woman needs to know she is loved and cared for, and that has nothing to do with sex. Perhaps she needs space, but not too much. She needs you to be patient and not expect her to change overnight. This could take a long time. I do hope you can weather this storm and that it will have a good outcome. You have to stay strong.

[The_Color_Blue]

Following up. You've been through a lot in the past week. How are you doing?

[anonymous030404 in reply to The_Color_Blue]

Seeing Doc Later, so i can get someting to calm me, she is home but i am not sure what is up

[anonymous030404]

Seeing Doc Later, so i can get someting to calm me, she is home but i am not sure what is up