Hi, everyone. I’m new here.
Mine is a story that took over a decade to be able to put a title to . For a long time, I struggled in silence with what I had, not knowing how badly it affected my existence. Once you’ve been in the center of the storm most of your life, it becomes hard to imagine that there is anything beyond it. So you attempt to cope with it, incorporate it into your life. I basically built my life around it, enjoyed the quiet when it settled and let it overtake me when it did not. I was both alone and lonely for a long time. I don’t know if anyone noticed, but if they did no one came to the rescue. Maybe no one knew how to.
I was still in school when it all started; pre teen. I always felt sad. I was always a quiet sort of person, thoughtful, did not like to speak only for the sake of it, did not trust easily, did not connect easily with others. In my head, why couldn’t I be loud, happy and thoughtless like all those people around me? I even went as far as to try to test my friends, to see if my absence would affect them. It did not.
The storm became this empty, numb place. I was so deep into my depression that whenever I saw the slightest glimpse of sunshine, I would feel extremely guilty. I was so wrapped up in my depression that it had become my identity. I did not know who I was beyond it and it scared me.
As I grew up, I tried to fight the storm, tried to reject her with the sheer power of my will and anger. I thought it might go away. It never did. I was angry for a very long time.
As time went on , I started to figure my life out. Things got easier. I made two amazing friends who are so supportive and who changed my life forever. I am so grateful for them. I was making headway in my career. On paper, everything looked good.
Depression still struck me anyway. And it struck hard; debilitatingly so. I could no longer ignore it, fight it, will it to go away. It was much stronger than I and I was crumbled beneath her weight. I was in a very bad place but looking back, I know it had to happen this way. Otherwise I would not have moved. I did the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life: I asked for help.
I asked for help and it was readily available. As the pills started to kick in, as my serotonin deficient brain became less deficient, I started to see the sun breaking through the clouds. I could breathe again.
I refused to go back. Ever.
I started taking the medication religiously, called them my magic/ happy pills. I had more energy to pursue the things I wanted. My confidence boosted. I worked on myself and accepted the thing that I’ve been fighting for so long. I acknowledged my darkness, sat with her, allowed her to stay and move as it pleased, allowed her to grow and stretch and heal. Now I treat her as an old friend. I welcome her familiar presence in, treat her to sleep and music for as long as she requires and when the time comes, I open the door for her and wave goodbye.
There’s always a land beyond the storm. I found that the single most important step is to acknowledge what you are. The secret was not fighting, not resisting. It was acceptance. It was to fully accept who I was and what I had. It was to get the help that I needed so desperately.
Things do get better. I just wanted to share that.