Beyond the storm: my story

[Heliophile]

Hi, everyone. I’m new here.

Mine is a story that took over a decade to be able to put a title to . For a long time, I struggled in silence with what I had, not knowing how badly it affected my existence. Once you’ve been in the center of the storm most of your life, it becomes hard to imagine that there is anything beyond it. So you attempt to cope with it, incorporate it into your life. I basically built my life around it, enjoyed the quiet when it settled and let it overtake me when it did not. I was both alone and lonely for a long time. I don’t know if anyone noticed, but if they did no one came to the rescue. Maybe no one knew how to.

I was still in school when it all started; pre teen. I always felt sad. I was always a quiet sort of person, thoughtful, did not like to speak only for the sake of it, did not trust easily, did not connect easily with others. In my head, why couldn’t I be loud, happy and thoughtless like all those people around me? I even went as far as to try to test my friends, to see if my absence would affect them. It did not.

The storm became this empty, numb place. I was so deep into my depression that whenever I saw the slightest glimpse of sunshine, I would feel extremely guilty. I was so wrapped up in my depression that it had become my identity. I did not know who I was beyond it and it scared me.

As I grew up, I tried to fight the storm, tried to reject her with the sheer power of my will and anger. I thought it might go away. It never did. I was angry for a very long time.

As time went on , I started to figure my life out. Things got easier. I made two amazing friends who are so supportive and who changed my life forever. I am so grateful for them. I was making headway in my career. On paper, everything looked good.

Depression still struck me anyway. And it struck hard; debilitatingly so. I could no longer ignore it, fight it, will it to go away. It was much stronger than I and I was crumbled beneath her weight. I was in a very bad place but looking back, I know it had to happen this way. Otherwise I would not have moved. I did the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life: I asked for help.

I asked for help and it was readily available. As the pills started to kick in, as my serotonin deficient brain became less deficient, I started to see the sun breaking through the clouds. I could breathe again.

I refused to go back. Ever.

I started taking the medication religiously, called them my magic/ happy pills. I had more energy to pursue the things I wanted. My confidence boosted. I worked on myself and accepted the thing that I’ve been fighting for so long. I acknowledged my darkness, sat with her, allowed her to stay and move as it pleased, allowed her to grow and stretch and heal. Now I treat her as an old friend. I welcome her familiar presence in, treat her to sleep and music for as long as she requires and when the time comes, I open the door for her and wave goodbye.

There’s always a land beyond the storm. I found that the single most important step is to acknowledge what you are. The secret was not fighting, not resisting. It was acceptance. It was to fully accept who I was and what I had. It was to get the help that I needed so desperately.

Things do get better. I just wanted to share that.

[sunrisesunset]

Thank you for sharing your story. It gives hope to people like me who still have that heavy weight on us.

Also, thank you for mentioning your medication. I've been diagnosed meds today and didn't want to take them, but I have to to get through this.

[Heliophile in reply to sunrisesunset]

I know things can be difficult especially at the beginning, but the medications really help. They give you the push that you need, so I wouldn't get any second thoughts about it. This is science. Good luck! Things do get better.

[Catlover55]

Thank you for that very encouraging post! I needed to hear that this morning.

[samack]

Thank you Heliophile. Yours is an inspiring story. Meds and self acceptance work well together. Sounds like you had a good therapist.

[Heliophile in reply to samack]

I was never much of a talker, but it definitely puts things in perspective.

[xjeh2830x]

Thank you for sharing your story. This inspired me to look at the bigger picture.

[QCuriosa]

Thanks for sharing! I have been thinking about acceptance too. I now have brief depression episodes every month and I believe it is something I am learning to accept. I love how you describe it , how you will play it music and let her sleep and then watch her go. Do you get depressed frequently?

[Heliophile in reply to QCuriosa]

I still do of course, but it's less frequently than I used to. I found that acknowledging things is the best way to handle it, as well as taking care of your own needs, even if it means taking a couple of days off from the real world.

[RupertBrown]

I related so much to what you posted, especially the part about depression becoming your identity. I like how you incorporated acceptance into your healing. Glad you found your better days and thanks for posting this!

[Daveacr1959]

I don’t have depression, but I have anxiety. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and panic attacks in 1993. I had been self medicating with daily brutal cardio exercise since I was 5 years old. Hours of hockey, football, baseball in elementary school. Hours of cross country running and skiing and track in high school. Hours of weight lifting and cross training after high school. Lap swimming hard for 40 minutes as I became older. I must have tried 6-8 different antidepressants one at a time. In different doses. They all made it worse. So a beta blocker and klonopin it’s been since 1993. I have tried more modern antidepressants the past 2 years with bad anxiety. My profile goes into more detail.

I like the Wim Hof guided breathing exercises free on you tube. I like lap swimming daily. I like what cold plunges and cold showers do for me. I like trying to still be useful in society. Glad you found medicine and help. Thanks

[Heliophile in reply to Daveacr1959]

I'm glad you found what works for you. Exercise is great! Those endorphins are something else. I read your profile. What you went through must have been difficult and what you're having is a normal reaction. Your strength and will to fight for the people in your life is admirable.

Hopefully, this will be the end of your struggle and things will only get better with time

[Daveacr1959 in reply to Heliophile]

I wish I could get you to try the Wim Hof guided breathing exercises free on you tube. And a cool 5-10 minute shower. Working your way to full cold . There are 2 million people doing it!

[Heliophile in reply to Daveacr1959]

I will try the breathing exercises when I can, sure. Thanks! I do meditation as well sometimes. As for the cold showers, probably not a good option for me. I like them flaming hot!

[Daveacr1959 in reply to Heliophile]

You can still do both. I got into the cold water by accident. Not wanting to share lanes at the heated pool. So I went in 60 degree water for 30 minutes of lap swim. And when I got out I felt amazing. It’s like natures antidepressant and anxiety medicine in one. I keep swimming in that same pool until it warms up to 90 degrees in the summer. When the water gets below 60 I go back to the heated pool November to March. I go in my own pool for a plunge November to March. The temperature is 65-45 depending on the month. The colder the less time in. You start out at 70 degrees and lower it 2 degrees per week. 2-5 degrees don’t be a nut about it. I am getting ready for 30 minutes of lap swim in the 65 degrees water as we speak. The cold water is so important in my recovery I can’t put it in words. Do a you tube search. Or online to see the chemicals the body makes in cold water. The Scandinavians have been doing it for hundreds of years. Sauna and jump in cold lake or snow. People have been swimming in cold water for 100 years same reason. What type of dr are you? Good job!

[Heliophile in reply to Daveacr1959]

Alright I'll keep it in mind. I'm a resident in internal medicine, will graduate soon

[Daveacr1959]

Thanks! It’s a day by day thing. I hurt myself riding my exercise bike. In my right hip and thigh in August. I have ridden the exercise bike 15 years daily. But after the 40 pound weight loss and rebuilt sternum. I could feel my right butt bone digging into the seat of the bike. And I would not stop doing it because the endorphins were so important. So I got a small pillow and put it on the seat . That made me ride a bit bow legged and hurt the hip vs just the butt . It’s been 8 months and the dull pain won’t leave. I went in for an X-ray in December and they said arthritis. But the X-ray didn’t show the sternum osteosarcoma. It took an m r i with contrast. Plus the oncologist says if it comes back it comes back near where it started. It’s not known for jumping around. Except the lungs. So that’s why they only scan my lungs every 6 months. The dr said you felt yourself hurt it, and you wouldn’t stop . So you know it’s an injury. Why can’t you let it go at that ? You can’t give yourself this illness by injury? I said it was hard daily exercise and injury that was the first sign of the illness. So my brain links it. Of course they will give me the m r I to rule it out. But at almost age 63 I can’t be running in for scans for every ache and pain. Plus I don’t want the radiation? My illness was so rare only 80-90 people ages 60-70 get it in the United States. And only about 10 in the sternum. So it’s like a 1-500,000 occurrence. Even more rare in my area . So I have been a lucky guy my whole life. And I’m wondering if radiation caused it ? Thanks for getting back to me. Thanks for being a dr . Both my daughters are nurses. You guys see things people like me have been running away from my whole life. You are brave people. I have always told people, I hold drs and nurses in such high regard. If I went in to get my right finger removed. And they did the wrong finger. I would let it go. And have the hospital give $10 k in care to the needy and we are square!

[Heliophile in reply to Daveacr1959]

Thank you, you sound like a good man.Don't overwork yourself if your joints hurt. With age, the joint degenerates and causes arthritis, which typically hurts on use. Trust your doctors, but also trust your own instincts. After all, no one knows your body as much as you do.

It wouldn't hurt to get an MRI just to be sure, if it gives you peace of mind. MRIs don't usually carry a risk for radiation because it's magnetic, so you're good on that part.

I respect nurses so much, they're at the forefront of medical care and are under appreciated at times. You must be so proud of your girls.

Take care🖤