I keep running into the same patterns. One in particular that’s ****** me up recently and has me falling deep into a depression and self hatred once again. It’s my constant need to have someone to vent to. Someone on here once pointed out to me that I do this thing where, when I have an issue I end up trying to go to others to try and fix my problems. This has always been true. The thing is I never take their advice. And the more I’m learning about myself, I guess I want their pity. And for them to feel bad for me. I’m not sure what else I’m getting from it. I hate myself for this. I’ve lost a number of friendships now because of this. Some may say that a good friend would be able to stick through all the bad times. But what if that’s all your friendship is, you just venting and not giving anything in return? Am I a bad person for relying on people and not giving anything in return.
Funny thing is, I look back to years ago where this all started. The first person I trusted and ever got close with. We had a really great friendship. Or so I thought. We laughed all the time and were silly. He brought out a side of me that I don’t think I’ve ever really seen after our friendship ended. As my depression got worse though, he allowed me to vent to him. A part of me knew it made him uncomfortable but he never spoke up to me that it was bothering him (ok maybe once or twice there were some hints). I guess I didn’t realize too much because whenever I’d vent, he would always be able to make me feel better by turning my attention away to something funny or something going on in his life. We were so close for about 7 years. Until slowly he started become less responsive to my messages, and eventually ghosted me without a reason. It was the hardest thing to ever happen to me.
Flash forward 2 years later and I haven’t fully learned my lesson. I’ve met 2 people on here that I’ve “used” to vent too much (I mean that’s what the site is for right … right) but I lost both of those friendships for … basically being selfish. It’s not that I didn’t care about these people. I do. I just have a fear of getting close and I don’t know how to help others anymore. I also honestly don’t know how to have a friendship with people anymore. All I have in my brain is negativity. I don’t know how to joke or be funny anymore. I’m not sure if I ever was funny tbh. But I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone. I feel like I don’t deserve friendship. Or at least, I just don’t want to hurt anyone else. I want to be a good friend. I don’t want to keep bringing people down anymore. But I’m just not in a good place to be a good, caring, fun friend. So I opt to be alone
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HealingTears
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Dearest HealingTears, first i want to say that you are an amazing and caring person. The fact that you want to be a good friend and help others shows how good of a friend you are. You have a good heart and good intentions. You are also self aware of your habits and patterns. These are qualities that some people struggle to have. The second thing that i want to tell you is please dont be so hard on yourself! Imagine a cup that is empty, could you expect it to pour water and give others water? Would you yell at it for not being able to pour out water? Of corse not! If a cup is empty it can not give water, not because it doesnt want to or it's a bad cup, but simply because it has no water to give! The same thing is with people. when we are happy and feel loved we can give love to others and help others but when we are sad and feeling hated it's almost impossible to cheer up others and help others. Would you scream at a person who is depressed and therefore can not help others? Would you hate them for not helping others? Would you blame them for their depression? Of course not! You would feel compassion towards them and hope that they feel better and they are not depressed anymore. You would only tell them loving and healing words. Dearest Healing tears, the same way you wouldnt treat someone else in your situation that way, do not treat yourself that way. You owe it to yourself to be unconditionally loving, compassionate and understanding towards yourself. You did not choose to be depressed and unable to help others. I guarantee you if you could choose to be happy and help others you would choose it in a heartbeat! It's really kind and caring of you that you want to help others. Unfortuanetly, you are currently depressed. This makes it really hard to give of yourself to others. Its like expecting water from a cup that is empty. You need to first focus on filling up your cup before you even give to others. For now do not focus on helping others rather focus on finding healing for yourself, whether that means going to therapy or reading self help books. One book i would recommend that was a life changer for me is the book self compassion by kristen kneff. The most important thing is that you learn to speak kindly to yourself and be your own best friend rather than your own worst enemy. Only say things to yourself that you would tell a best friend. Learn to love yourself instead of hating yourself. Realize that you are trying your best in life and your negative traits arent things that you chose. No one chooses to have negative traits. If we would all be able to create ourselves we choose to make ourselves perfect. But we were given negative traits so that we can work on ourselves and become better people. Instead of looking at your negative traits with hatred and disdain, look at them compassionately and work on them slowly. Growth is a process. We can not yell at a seed to grow into a flower and expect it to blossom right away. Rather we need to slowly water it and understand that change and growth takes time. As far as your concern of venting to friends maybe it can be more helpful to seek a therapist instead. This way the therapist can teach you tools how to handle difcicult things so you wont have the need to vent. Also, you can talk about your problems (in moderation) to your friends in a different way. For example you can state your feelings in a matter of factly way and ask for advice. This way it will be easier for the listener to hear instead of them hearing someone complain and them feeling negative after that because negativity is contagious. Also, it will be more beneficial to you because you will receive empathy and advice on how to change the thing that is causing you the difficulty in the first place. To reply your statement "i dont know how to joke and be funny anymore" dont worry you are still the same funny and fun loving person you used to be! You are just currently feeling depressed and its hard to crack joke when you feel super depressed. Once you work on your depression and loving yourself again you will see that you are still the same fun person you used to be and you will also be able to give in relationships! Wishing you the best of luck and sending lots of love and hugs! And remember take it easy on yourself! ❤
Thank you so much for your reply. I wish I had something positive to say back. Right now I just don’t. I’ve gone to such a dark place that I can’t get out of at the moment it’s so hard. But I appreciate your response and I understand the things I need to do to try and get out but I just can’t right now. It sometimes just feels so pointless because I keep coming back to this place. And even when I get out of it , it’s not even that much of a better place. I still hate myself. Just a little less. It’s only ever just a little more faint. Nothing is ever “great”.
As for therapy… I was seeing a talking therapist for a year. I felt like it was going ok? But there were other times(when I would get like this) that I would feel like we were getting nowhere. This happened about a month ago and I actually hung up on her and haven’t talked to her since. I’m slightly embarrassed to make another appointment. Plus my mom pays for sessions and I told her about it. I also started CBT 2 weeks ago… and that sort of triggered all of this also. I thought maybe it would be good for me. The first session went well but the second … went horrible. She was trying to get me to figure out what is the best direction for our focus and I couldn’t tell her. I was stuck just being very silent and and saying “idk” a lot. And to be quite honest I’m terrified for the next session. I’m just so sick of “failing” at therapy lol. I’ve been through so many.
Dear healing tears your most welcome! I totally get it. Sometimes when going through a really difficult time, like this one, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel and say positive things. I'm happy to hear that you have made progress. Even a small step forward such as hating yourself a little less is major. These small steps add up to big progress. Dont give up! You are on the right track! Progress is slow. It's like consistant small drops of water can break through a rock, however if you would throw the same amount of water on the rock it would not break through. Remember slow and steady wins the race! Congratulate yourself for every small accomplishment! For example, if you start repeating just 2 positive affirmations of self compassion a day that is great progress and should be acknowledged! Also, if the former therapist was working out for you dont be embarressed to call her back. She is there to help you and wants the best for you. Also this is probably not the first time a client hung up on her and she probably experienced more worse things that this is nothing in comparison😉. As far as not knowing what to say in therapy that is very common. Experienced therapists would be able to guide you and help start the conversations. Also, you can bring it up with the therapist and discuss how you feel afraid for the sessions and your feelings of not wanting to fail in therapy. A therapist is there to help you discover your feelings and work through your emotions. Wishing you the best of luck!
I used to do this. For me it was because I did not know how to process or feel my emotions, so I sort of outsourced it to my friends/family. I'm learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings. Breathing through it and feeling the sensations in my body. Now I don't need someone to talk me out of whatever is stressing me out. Journaling really helps me as well. I can get my frustration out without overloading my friends.
Yes, I’ve been trying to learn how to do this. I was getting ok at it but I’ve fallen back into bad patterns again. I’m sure I’ll get out again. It’s been a bad week though.
I've kinda done the same thing unfortunately , but I learned from the mistake of venting to the few friends I had because I lost a few of them because of it. I took their advice tho , as best I could. But I was more messed up at the time from self Medicating. So it didn't go well either way . Don't do that anymore. If you want a friend to vent to , for whatever reason . You can message me, I won't turn on you for that .
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I need advice if I am being selfish here
I feel as if I’m falling back into old patterns of thought.
I asked for understanding. 
how do you forgive yourself for past mistakes and stop fretting over them?
Feeling Alone - No Real Friendships
