I realized last night that I had been on a daylong hypomanic trip. I was feeling invincible, saying awkward and confrontational things to people because there was so much pressure inside to blow up in anger, or gush with praise, or brag. Fortunately, it finally became clear to me in the evening, so I meditated a while, and then took a melatonin to help me get a full night's sleep. And now I'm okay.
But am I? Today was hell. My confidence is shot, either because of the swing back to depression or because, f*ck, I was crazy yesterday! Sure, I'll talk to you now, client, and get those numbers for you, or answer those questions for you, but did you know that 12 hours ago I thought I was a superhero?
How does one personality hold all these crazy identities and then just snap back to "normal" so it can get back to keeping the rent paid, the kids safe, the wife happy, the career on track?
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c-mac
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I have had manic episodes , ones that led to psychotic episodes as well. I’m glad you are safe and I think the biggest thing for me in those after the fact times would be to take care and ask for help with things that seem overwhelming.. andvthat is soooooo extremely hard for me to ask for help and I have a feeling it’s hard for you too. Just ease back in try not to overdo it, you are recovering. I mean I haven’t been there in a while but that’s how I see it. How are you feeling fright now? Do you have a therapist to confide in?
I'm better, just frustrated. My boss knows about my disorder, but I feel I can't just run to her with every last thing. I have a therapist appointment tonight, and then a mood disorders support group. It will be good to talk. I can't help but think how much radically better my life would be if I didn't have to work. And my work now involves performing in front of clients, which is what gets me ramped up. In fact, someone told me I had to give a presentation in front of a new client -- oh, they told me *in the meeting* with the client, and expected me to just turn it on and go. And then I found that Zoom wouldn't let me show my PowerPoint without getting completely out first, so I had to hang up and join again, and then I couldn't figure something out. It was awful. But all that just feeds the fire, I was on my way to mania by the time it was over.
Well it’s awesome you are handling your work. Throughout my life I’ve tried to work and every time I ended up broken down and in hospitals or crisis centers. I hope therapy and group tonight will help you to feel more grounded. So are you saying work has been triggering mania?
Yes, I think so. It can’t be a coincidence that the roughest hour of the past six months was followed by hypomania. Maybe I should go back to engineering, where my most performative moment was making up excuses to my project manager.
I have no clear answers other than I realize that its a very real struggle and some things help to stabilize yet iys no guarantee. Physically mentally and emotionally and spiritually its a struggle a battle not to give in or give up. This does help though- Ride the waves and do not give to dark thoughts or act on it. It will pass. I didn't say how long it would last yet it can be distracted. Have a mental image of a ❤ and let the love that you have for your family and the love they have for you flow through you and around you. Let the love encompass you and do something out of love. What would your wife or kids like? Myself I like scented candles and aromatherapy helps. Would your wife enjoy that? Also its not just roses most of us ladies like flowers.(its ok for men to appreciate them too) and Jewel has nice flowers or plantsfor just a few dollars. Blessed is the giver and the receiver. If thats too much then a card or something she has wanted done at home. Or how about a family game night or movie night with popcorn or another snack. The Disney channel or Netflix has a wonderful selection of movies or there are dvds available to rent or purchase. From Wal-Mart Target to the Dollar store DVDs are available. By the way there are short dance routines with music you can do as a family. Check out Tik Tok. Consider your options and pick one or ask your wife or family what they would like. Being together and drawing on each others strength will help if thats possible. If not its ok to work on something else. Just don't leave because it would devastate your kids and family. Hang in there. Practice self care and reach out to others and look inwardly for self improvement too. Take care
Thank you! Those are great ideas. I need to plan an adventure of some sort this weekend. My daughter already proposed a mean round of board games! Maybe add some hot chocolate and popcorn.
Engineering may be better for you if it makes you happy and is less stressful and has less triggers. Consider other options too be thorough before making a decision . Remind yourself not to be impulsive and be mindful of the location salary stress level and how it would affect your family.
I hadn't been diagnosed with ADHD yet, so I didn't know why I couldn't finish engineering projects, or why I procrastinated so much when it got hard. It was affecting my performance. I thought maybe it meant I would rather be working with people, but now I'm seeing that the people thing might be too unpredictable. Sigh.
Well, I haven't worked in a long time and I really wish I could handle it. For me, it seems like if I get a job I get stressed out way too easily but I'm just surviving on disability and that really is no fun either, it's being on some kind of permanent vacation. The past week has been difficult for me, I don't think I'm on the right medication combination and my mood swings have been off the charts. I'd much rather be a bit hypomanic than dealing with heavy depression. Sorry, I don't mean to make this all about me, guess I'm not sure what to say to be helpful.
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