Oh yes i'm the great pretender that i'm doing fine...

[secrets22]

Every day i put on a brave face to the outside world,always smiling,always laughing, always joking,but that pretence is becoming more difficult to maintain.

No one wants to be around a miserable person who is forever complaining and so my pretence continues,and i have always been known as the joker but increasingly the joke is on me.

When i go out with friends and colleagues i am always considered the person of fun,and i dont disappoint ,i keep up this facade and never let them down,but it comes at a price,the price i pay is like the loneliness of the long distance runner.

I arrive home,put the key in the lock,and walk into an empty house,but for the saving grace of my two 4 legged friends with fur on,Yonnie and Diva, i would be done.

And now alone,i cry all day....Alone again,naturally .

[Roxylox]

Beginning on a light note, l love your choice of songs. I often play Alone again, naturally when sad.I am only alone for 8 hours in the day, but even those hours can feel isolating at times.

I also have my dog.

Was out with friends on Friday. Let spill the troubles I had a year and a half ago.

Am wondering if l did the right thing telling them.l wouldn't necessarily be the joker, but wouldnt have disclosed the upsetting stuff before.

I was just wondering if there is say one person in the group you feel you could confide in? As l have said l'm shaky on whether I should have, so definitely trust your own judgment.

Those animals of yours can of course still be great company, don't know if dogs or cats. You are still blessed that you have those friends you go out with too l believe.

[Dolphin14 in reply to Roxylox]

Animals are great therapy support. I'm glad you have a four legged friend

It's hard to know when to open up. Following you gut instinct is important.

❤️🐬

[Roxylox in reply to Dolphin14]

Do you have any pets Dolphin?, unlikely it's an actual Dolphin anyhow!

[Dolphin14 in reply to Roxylox]

Hahaha.... no 🐬

I had a dog for 14 years. My best friend. I have a great family and very supportive friends but there was something about my boy. I needed him. He has been gone for a few years and just writing this brings tears to my eyes. The loss was huge.

That's why I'm so glad to hear people have that unconditional love.

[Roxylox in reply to Dolphin14]

I'm so sorry for dredging up the memories. My dog will be 10 next year and it scares me that the years are flying. Have had many dogs, but the bond is strongest with this one.

My husband and I are kind of agreeing we might not get another when she goes because we might travel a bit more when he retires.

Can't be certain though.

[Dolphin14 in reply to Roxylox]

Oh no please don't be sorry. I have memories of him every day and I get emotional. Ya there are certain animals that become our soul mates. My family and friends could see the huge bond with us and knew his death was going to knock me to the ground.

Enjoy every minute you have with your baby. I know you will continue to make the best memories you can.

It is a tough call on getting another. You will know if it's right for your lifestyle when that time comes.

I can't do it again. The pain was too much for me. I know I have the love to give. I also know I wouldn't be able to handle the loss

[secrets22 in reply to Dolphin14]

The loss of a devoted pet is indeed huge,.and we miss them so much.x

[Dolphin14 in reply to secrets22]

Yes, it's so hard.

[Dolphin14]

That was my song of choice for a long time. I was a fabulous actress. Academy award for faking happiness.

Your 4 legged friends are probably the best support you will ever have. That's just my opinion.

Long distance running or any solo sport is a time to let go of " stuff" the mind and body are focused on a positive goal. The peace of solo exercise cannot be beat.

You do sound like you enjoy company? Sometime finding a new friend can help. They don't know your history and they don't need to. It gives the ability for you to just be you. No facade, they may help you move forward a bit.

Just my thoughts

❤️🐬

[secrets22 in reply to Dolphin14]

Yes i do love company because i am a people person, and fortunately i do have a number of good friends,but i rarely open up to anyone.

[Dolphin14 in reply to secrets22]

Yes you are a people person. I wish I had more thoughts on how to help you. Can you pick one of these friends? The one you trust the most?

[secrets22]

thankyou so much my wonderful Mratl83.x

[Hidden]

Hi Roddy I know the feeling exept I do have my mam whom.i see everyday, and my swimming as you know is so helpful to me,I'm.always here for you rant and moan as much as you like, I'll always try to help, as you do with me, sending vertual hug so sorry not in person, forever friends I hope 🤗🧡🌟X

[secrets22 in reply to Hidden]

Mandy and hugs to you,we are both on a roller coaster.xx

[Blueruth]

Some thoughts. Forgive me…I like numbers. Idk which side of the pond you are on but 40% of Americans live alone. 100% of the world die alone. I was listening to someone the other week who is a life long student of solitude. One amazing fact about language is that most languages do not have a word for solitude like English does. Hindi roughly translates alone as a form of solitude. Makes sense. That is what Buddha sought. My drawn out point is that you can dwell on alone or practice solitude. Interestingly it makes you a better partner too. I get lonely too. I also find comfort in being able to spend time doing things you really can’t do with others. Sometimes I don’t even turn on noise. Artists, composers and writers need to learn solitude in order to do their craft too. In solitude you are not alone 😊

[secrets22 in reply to Blueruth]

I am in the UK and people living alone is on the increase.

[CarlJames]

Hi secrets22, It takes a lot of effort to maintain a persona that is not aligned with how you feel inside. It also suppresses your emotions (at least until you get home and then you can let it all out - which is good to do). We tend to use a persona (I always tried to look calm. confident and in control 100% of the time) because it is safer than being our true selves. If people don't laugh at our jokes or dislike us, then it's not such a big deal because they aren't rejecting the real us, but the persona we are putting on.

But as you know all too well, it is lonely to live that way because your true self doesn't get that authentic human interaction with others that you crave. That authentic interaction comes with risk however, and the possibility of being hurt emotionally, so it is scary.

It sounds to me like you really want to be yourself in company - that is why it is getting harder to maintain the facade. I don't know you, but I have no doubt that you are caring, sensitive, loving, compassionate person underneath that "joker" persona. And who wouldn't like to get to know THAT person?? I'm betting people would like that person more than the joker.

Sometimes it is worth taking the risk to be ourselves (we can open up little by little as we get more comfortable with the discomfort). The rewards and the relief can be huge.

[secrets22 in reply to CarlJames]

Wow...thankyou so much for your insight.x

[CarlJames in reply to secrets22]

You're welcome. Hope it is helpful.

[secrets22]

Yes i have always been far to critical of myself...i will be interested in your associate support group. x

[Midori]

I'm a bit of a joker myself, and yes, it is to cover up many of my insecurities.

To keep on with the musical imagery 'And when I fool the people I feel I fool myself as well. I whistle a happy tune and every single time, the happiness in the tune convinces me that I'm not afraid'.

One day we have to walk out from behind our joking mask and try for a real relationship. Yes, it's scary, but we can do it.

Cheers, Midori

[jb042711]

I'm so sorry that you feel like you have to pretend that you're ok when you're really not. Have you talked to your doctor or to a therapist? They're there to help you. Please reach out to them. I'll pray for you.