I really dont know what I'm doing.

[Naturelover3]

When I was in the 7th grade, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. My life from there on have been a downward spiral. Ontop of my mental illnesses and my family issues, I was in an on again and off again abusive relationship for 3 years, and I've been raped and forced to have sex on multiple occasions. I've never had good coping skills, I've self harmed since I was in the 8th grade (I'm currently 7 months clean). 90% of the "friends" I use to hang around with were terrible. I've gotten in to drugs, but it was never really my thing. I use to see a therapist when I was first diagnosed, and then stopped seeing her for some reason. But I started seeing her again about a year ago because I had gotten so bad. I thought 2020 was going to be a good year because I had gotten myself away from the bad people in my life, i had healed some broken relationships that I needed to, I graduated cosmetology school and started my new job. But the day after I graduated, my bestfriend had suddenly pasted away, she was 5 months pregnant also. We werent super close towards the end because of alot of shit that had happened. But we were on really good terms and we were trying to reconnect. She was like my twin sister, we were inseparable. We did everything together and went everywhere together. Losing her is one of the hardest things I've had to go through. It shouldve been me, her life was coming together and mine hasnt stopped falling apart. It's been two weeks since shes passed. Everyone was there at the beginning for me, but now since so much time has passed and it's really just now hitting me, no one is there more. I'm utterly alone and I have all these thoughts and feelings and I really don't know how to deal with them. I wish they'd all go away.

[Agora1]

Naturelover3, I am truly sorry for the passing of your friend. The loss is still fresh

and it's best you continue with your therapist as you deal with your issues both from

the past and more recent. Nothing is more devastating to us than when we turn

around and no one is there. It sounds like you were starting to proceed with your

new life when this happened. We're also here for you. This is your safe place to come

and express your thoughts and feelings with others who understand. You are never

alone here. xx

[Naturelover3 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you so much 💜

[Rina17]

I know this is probably not what u want to hear right now, but I'm a big believer in life. God decided that your friends time was up. He didn't decide that u should stop living because of it. I really feel for you, and what you wrote was really raw and it touched me ❤️

[Naturelover3 in reply to Rina17]

Thank you. I know God always has a plan, but sometimes its hard to understand why he makes the decisions he does.

[Sprinkle1]

I am sorry for your suffering, it is called loss and grief, there are some good books written on the subject, that discuss what you will probably experience, your local library should have some, or check out Amazon.

I agree with Agora1 you need to be seeing your therapist now, she will help you with your feelings, and no it was not your time to go, so keep putting yourself back together and enjoy your life, that is what it is for, you will meet healthy people as you get healthier. Spend time in nature it is healing, go for slow walks breath the air, enjoy the sun if it is out, listen to the birds singing, look for flowers in bloom, I have daffodils blooming - lovely...If the rape's and sexual abuse are a big issue for you, go the The Rape Crisis Center, they are trained to help you, I know I was a rape victim. Your local library may have info. available, I know ours does, or look in the front of the phone book, search on line, get the help you need. Be proud of what you have accomplished so far, got away from poor relationships, given up cutting and drugs. Talk to us here we will offer love and support. We are proud of you and send you love, support, strength, peace of mind and big hugs..... Sprinkle 1.....

[Naturelover3 in reply to Sprinkle1]

Thano you so much 💜