Social anxiety

[Weelon]

Hi how can I make others feel comfortable with me? I can sense they’re unsure of me due to being so quiet but I do say something but just the odd thing or two. Sometimes I feel some women feel insecure so I try to bring them up & be positive & nice. Normally they throw it back in my face & belittle me in the end. Why is it so hard?

[s7L5]

Hi Weelon, I am quiet and also have social anxiety, I thinkNo you might be lacking in confidence which is the only reason you think your friends are unsure of you.

If they are throwing it back on your face and belittling you, they do not deserve you to be a friend to them. I hope you can find nicer friends, you are too nice for them. Good luck.

[Weelon in reply to s7L5]

Hi s7L5 yes I do lack in confidence. Not sure why they’re unsure of me. As for being treated like dirt, you’re right I decided to cut them out of my life as I don’t need the negativity

[Opportunity in reply to Weelon]

I do lack confidence too. Sometimes I am ok for awhile and then … poof! … confidence gone. 😔

[s7L5 in reply to Weelon]

I’m glad you have cut them from your life, good luck for the future.xx

[Weelon in reply to s7L5]

I do try with them x

[Weelon]

You’re reading this the wrong way or I’ve not made myself clear. Made me chuckle actually. I’m female & definitely not looking for a date lol

[CarlJames]

People tend to be comfortable with us when we are comfortable with ourselves. I think you might find changing your inner conversation about yourself will have the most effect. You can do this by practicing not analyzing what you do so much, not judging yourself, not beating yourself up, and being more kind to yourself.

Also when we are comfortable with ourselves, people stop picking on us and being mean to us.

[Opportunity in reply to CarlJames]

I like this. I want to add to it though. A lot of us have relational trauma. I can be by myself and happy and gain my sense of self back. Comfortable with myself alone. But then when I add some people into the mix, I find myself retraumatized. It sucks. My understanding is that I need to slowly add safe people to the mix. Like slowly adding flour to a … crap, I hate cooking. No analogy today! 🤣

I might do a whole post about this concept of relationship trauma.

[Weelon in reply to CarlJames]

I am comfortable with myself if surrounded by the right people. If I have a hint of doubt & lack of trust about a certain person I do tense up.

[CarlJames in reply to Weelon]

I understand, I was the same way. The problem of course is that we cannot go through life always surrounded by the right people. So in order to lose our social anxiety, we have to face the fears and the things that trigger those anxious thoughts, and become comfortable with them. When we do this, we can face almost anyone in almost any situation.

I never believed this was possible for me until I got to that point. Now, I say "almost" because no one goes through life without feeling uncomfortable at some time in some situations, even those who have never had social anxiety. It is natural, normal to feel embarrassed at certain times. But the difference is, that now if I am embarrassed or uncomfortable because of something, I can genuinely laugh at it, because I no longer take it personally or take it seriously.

It took me a while to get there, but it was from facing my fears and embarrassment head on without mentally pulling away from it and shutting down. It was about facing, fully experiencing and accepting all my feelings about it, until they truly didn't matter any more.

Social anxiety is a bluff, it really is. I kept falling for it for decades without realizing it. When I called its bluff, I started to heal.

[Weelon in reply to CarlJames]

I am trying to face these awkward situations for me. Like you’ve said facing embarrassment, made a fool of are the things people try to do & I don’t deserve it. Rather than not saying anything as I overthink things. I would like to control how I feel & have my say. What was your process? That’s great that you have found a way of healing yourself.

[CarlJames in reply to Weelon]

When I was struggling with social anxiety, I used to look desperately for something to say to rescue myself, I felt a huge desire to run away from the situation. It was because I couldn't deal with the awful, intense feelings of emotional pain and shame for my embarrassment. I would then beat myself up mercilessly for having once more failed to have my say and becoming embarrassed and ashamed.

What I changed was my reaction to the situation when it happened. I turned it 180 degrees on its head.

> Instead of desperately trying to think of something smart or effective to say, I just said nothing and let there be silence.

> Instead of trying to stop my embarrassed reaction, I just let it happen without doing the slightest thing to stop it.

> Instead of looking for a way to run or get out of the situation, I just sat or sttod there and let it all happen for as long as it took.

> Instead of trying to control the situation and resolve it, I just let go and allowed other people to react or respond however they wanted.

> Instead of getting wrapped up in frantic thoughts and trying to suppress my emotions, I ignored my thoughts and focused on really feeling the emotions.

> Afterwards, instead of beating myself up for becoming embarrassed, I acknowledged I was human, and that it wasn't actually that big a deal to become embarrassed, and gave myself huge credit for having the courage to turn and face those powerful emotions.

The first time I changed my response in this way it was really intense and scary. I thought my head was going to explode. But of course it didn't. I actually felt a great relief because I didn't have to fight and struggle against the social anxiety any more. All I had to do was do nothing and let it happen. Each time I did it, it got easier.

It kept getting easier, and now I don't even think about whether I am going to become embarrassed any more. If it happens (and it does on rare occasions) I really don't give a hoot any more. Like, "So what?" I don't care, and I don't care what anyone else thinks about it either.

As you say. I don't deserve to be ridiculed. You don't. Nobody does. But when I learned not to care about being embarrassed, nobody could ridicule me any more, because my reaction was "Who cares".

[Opportunity in reply to CarlJames]

This is inspiring. Thank you! 🦋

[Weelon in reply to CarlJames]

Thanks. I’ll try & be myself & not to care too much what others think.

[designguy]

Hi Weelon, those of us who have suffered with social anxiety generally tend to have low-self-worth and low-self-esteem. Improving that part of yourself will go a long way to increasing your self-compassion and self-acceptance which will make you more comfortable with yourself. When you are more comfortable with yourself others will be comfortable with you too. There are a lot of good books and resources on it, I particularly like the tinybuddha.com website and also the Break Free program by Dr. Bernadette Sewell.