My soul is in convulsion

[Against_the_current]

I'm so... Uhhh i can't even explain it. I'm stuck, i'm burnt out, i'm tired and traumatized, so trautized. I'm a young adult and am trying to get out of my toxic family that traumatized the hell out of me. Others my Age are working and for me it's even hard to stay in university classes (even though they're probably gonna make them online soon and i will go to zero again). I'm scared they're gonna make them online and i will either have to go back home to my drunk mom or stay here and survive. At least untill i stop getting funded by my dad wich can happen the second i or he loses his nerves because "i'm old enough" or because of our strained relationship because of his new kid or because of the new kid. Others are getting relationships and i'm so isolated and disgusted. I don't even want gender but they don't accept me coming out as a nonbinary or a gender nor as an asexual. Our goddamn society wants people to match wich is dumb because they're gonna get divorsed at the end. Also numbing your pain with sex is dumb. Also giving birth in this hell we call Earth is dumb. I just want to cry on the floor. Doesn't anyone see i'm not okay?! But this damn country nobody understands. I got 3 psychologist, 2 psychiatrists, called crizis line and i feel worse. And blaming me for getting worse is making me feel worse. I'm dying, i'm not capable of getting proper help myself. But actually nobody is able of giving me proper help. Docs don't want to send me to hospital because hospitals are like horror movies and because my problem is psychological and i'm actually really understanding, aware, sensetive and intelligent. And actually that's the problem. I'm a sensetive person in an idiotic society that breaks you. How the hell am i real not a book character?! That's unreal. And i appreciate this insights and vents but i need rest. And my damn psychologist is just gonna let me vent for 50 mins instead of making me feel better. Yes i know, i know. But i want to scream. Everything and everyone is stupid. I'm stuck. My mind is in convulsions. My soul is in convulsions. I'm stuck. And i'm still pushing. Everything is so dark

Thanks for reading

[cocoyellow]

how many more years til you graduate from uni? also can you get a part time job or internship that can keep you away from home? are any local libraries or public places open like parks or coffee shops in your area where you can go to study and spend time?

[Against_the_current in reply to cocoyellow]

I'm in year 3 undergrad and i have 1 year more undergrad and 2 years major. I thought about a job but my mental health is really bad and i don't know whether i will be able to work. And probably there are such places but they're gonna close probably.

[cocoyellow in reply to Against_the_current]

can you look for a place to volunteer? they are many places that would love to have help out like non profit thrift store, dog shelters, community gardens, i know lots of this places are open.

You say there are probably public places but probably are gonna close, well you should make an effort to find them and then take advantage of them while there are still open, but most likely nothing will be closing.You say you probably won't be able to hold a job but how do you know if you haven't even tried? You have to go out there and try.

You really need to try things first before you even assume they arent going to work. You need to do this for yourself because no one else is going to, and you willl see the rewards from your hard work

[Against_the_current in reply to cocoyellow]

Thanks but just got the news they're closing everything. I now have to deside whether to stay here or home 😖

[Dhebdhdjsjjs89]

Finding good providers is a lot like dating. If you don’t click with someone it might be time to move on! Would be comfortable reaching out to a new therapist and setting the expectation up front that you are looking to develop tools, not to just vent for the whole session? Also, screw ‘em. If people don’t understand and respect who you are, screw ‘em. It sounds like you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Every day you are dealing with this BS, but you’ve got it! It’s not fair that you were dealt this hand, but it will not defeat you. And your contribution to making the world understand that there a many ways to live the human experience may bless someone else by making the journey easier. Telling your story matters.

[Against_the_current in reply to Dhebdhdjsjjs89]

Thank you so much! Finally someone understands how hard it is! 🙌Also my therapist dating story is so messed up, here i listed only for this year but actually it's a lot worse. And i'm also with limited funds 😶