What is wrong with me?

[Starbrush]

So I’ve started to go to therapy again (I can now get it without my parents overlooking it etc). I’m specifically going through therapy for childhood trauma involving (but not limited to) my s*xual a**ault. I’ve talked to my therapist about a range of concerns. One in specific being my dissociation and tendency to have meltdowns when there’s a change (even small) in my routine. I am sensitive to textures, sounds and lights to name a few things. I frequently get what I believe to be sensory overwhelm. All this to say that I still don’t know what the f*ck is wrong with me. So at my parents’ house I’ve been trying to use more eco friendly alternatives which include shampoo bars. For any of you guys who’ve used it before they can (if too much is lathered on/ or if you have hard water) create a waxy like residue on your hair. Today that happened. This is my second shower using a shampoo bar, first time this happened, but I ended up feeling that my hair was waxy and I really felt uncomfortable, like REALLY uncomfortable. So my mother wanted to go out to the shops but I was freaking out about the texture and said I needed to take another shower. She said there was no time and I could stop being so difficult. Anyways with her rushing me and me being uncomfortable I had a meltdown, started to hit my head multiple times (in the place where the waxy residue was) and continue to do that until I found apple cider vinegar. I took a shower and calmed down, but now my head hurts.. so yea fun, does anyone know why the f*ck I do this?? Is this connected to my anxiety I don’t know

[TyrSwimmer_Sac]

It's very hard to say what the exact reason is. It could be a combination or the steps of various compounding events or your anxiety along with frustration etc. What matters is your current state and how to manage it so that you can level off again. That is the hard part of course with all the emotions and thoughts swinging away in your head. When you don't have someone there at your side to help level yourself off then you need something. I am not therapist but I am familiar with similar situations that happen with me. I have used a card I carry with me that has steps to remind me what to do when my head goes haywire from all the input and thought processing goes haywire. I use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT) training to self help. In combination with prescription medication and contacts for support (such as therapist, doctors, friends, family, partners, group support members, healthunlocked contacts) to try and level my self out. It's by no means easy but when you're lost sometimes getting directions whether by self examination or by someone else can lead you out of the storm. I wish I could give ya a hug so hope what I'm writing just gives you some ideas. Just know: start small or break things down to simple part to start can help you manage what seem like mountains ranges into easy to walk paths. Again it's not easy, but with practice the other stuff i.e. support, treatment with professionals, family, friends you may feel more empowered. Then again there's this site and others here to help. I'm around too.

[Starbrush in reply to TyrSwimmer_Sac]

Yeah, I usually have a card in my phone case that I use when having meltdowns or panic attacks but sometimes I just.. get very caught up with what’s going on I forget to look. Sometimes I just feel very powerless to everything.. it’s difficult to take that step back at times

[TyrSwimmer_Sac in reply to Starbrush]

Well then that's where this place comes into play. An out side perspective helps that breaks your cycle you're stuck in. I hope you find that here in some people or even by me. Either way it's ok to lean on someone when needed then when someone else needs it you can balance the books. Life is funny how things balance out. For every bad event you're in store for something that can swing you the other way, and I hold on to that belief to keep going. I hope you will too. Cheers my friend.

[Starbrush]

I wouldn’t say I’m as angry as I am just very overwhelmed.. I get frustrated and do “cope” in some unhealthy ways.. thank you for the starbrush comment c: I appreciate it

[PastelPink20]

Nice to meet you Starbrush. That’s fantastic news that you’ve started going to therapy again and that you’ve been able to do so being comfortable, instead of judged or whatnot.

There’s an episode in a TV show I’ve been watching, Sex Education, where Amiee has her first therapy session about her story. She wasn’t able to share it at that time, but, it was nice. She did say how she didn’t like how her body feels anymore. I think there’s a natural desire to be in control and feel comfortable in our bodies, as is our human right.

Whenever we lose that control and didn’t have it when we needed it, it’s like our brains become more focused and there’s a stronger hyper-fixation to compensate. I guess like a safety mechanism? We all want to feel safe.

So, I think it makes perfect sense that you’d want to feel comfortable and you’d want your hair to be sensory-safe so to speak.

Sensory issues are harder because whenever you’re experiencing them, it is complicated and not easy to explain. There’s an immediacy required :/ and a lot more anxiety occurs when that’s not understood. I can’t personally relate, but my friend who has autism has helped me understand more about those.

Of course!! It’s hard to calm down whenever there’s that level of powerlessness, panic, and feeling trapped... like you can’t be okay. It’s hard to remember “better” coping strategies. Have you and your therapist found any strategies that came help during those panic or meltdowns?

Overall, I am glad you were able to get your hair back to its texture! I’d encourage you to give yourself grace! You have experienced a lot and you’re learning how to take care of yourself throughout these changes! I know it is frustrating nonetheless I do hope your head is feeling better.