Family

[Rituals]

I am struggling with my partner’s family. He has 2 children to his previous marriage who are all grown up & married. The issue is they live the lifestyle that they cannot afford. They sponge off him for certain things mostly material & money for birthdays/Christmas. I dread when we have to meet as they just expect him to foot the bill for everything. We are not pop stars just making our way through in life. They find it funny to try & get him to pay the most expensive on the menu. Once gone to a restaurant & they hardly eaten anything, my partner confronted them & said “we didn’t pick the restaurant”, just the attitude & being so ungrateful & disrespectful. I don’t stop my partner from seeing them but he always wants me to go with him. I don’t have any children & sometimes wished stayed as I was. Are they punishing him? There’s so many red flags.

[hypercat54]

This is very difficult isn't it. On the practical side of it I would ensure you each have your own bank accounts and a separate one for bills etc. which needs joint signatures to access. That will stop the money worries. Then any money he has left he can use for his grown up kids if he wants to.

The other issue is expecting you to go every time. Perhaps a compromise would work? Tell him you will go some of the time but that's enough for you and try and have other things you need to do such as seeing friends, going shopping etc. They are his children after all not yours so if he isn't happy with this he needs to sort it. You don't have to be a wiling partner to his behaviour.

[Rituals in reply to hypercat54]

Hi Hypercat54 one of them got married & as we don’t live close by you would expect them to spend more time at the wedding but one of them didn’t. I will start making compromises. One has already started using her children to get to my partner.

[b1b1b1]

They are sponging off their parents. They assume their parents are wealthier. I also have adult stepchildren. When they were in their 20s and 30s they sponged like mad, even going so far as to use my husband's credit card, which the youngest had in case of an emergency. I think this is actually fairly common behavior, especially if the parents do have more money than the stepchildren.

You have to begin to set boundaries. For example if they want to go to an expensive restaurant, say in a joking way "are you paying....ha ha.... otherwise lets go somewhere less expensive." Also, give them a bit less at Christmas and birthdays. They probably won't question it. It is a gradual weaning process.

[Rituals in reply to b1b1b1]

My partner has tried & knows where to draw the line but I get so anxious if this will continue. Sometimes I think how did I get here.

[Midori]

Why does he let them guilt him into paying for everything? It seems deeply unfair, and I want to say that he needs to grow a spine, but I don't know all the reasons for it.

The children seem thoroughly entitled, grasping people. Perhaps it's time for someone to say to them 'Your Turn to pay tonight!' Alternatively , why go?

Cheers, Midori

[Rituals in reply to Midori]

I guess it’s cos he’s put a stop to giving them a certain amount of money for birthdays & Christmas. His life has changed due to meeting me. I have said to him to go visit them but it’s getting time. He has paid for both of their lavish weddings. They have asked for certain material things & he did make him work for it. They don’t live close by & I presume he’s making up for lost time. I don’t want to go but he feels he needs to. They have offered to pay & paid once but that was all fake.

[AnxiousCanadianChic]

I have always had a rule that I would never ever date someone with kids, no matter the kids ages. I know some would call me a bitch because of it but I learned from having 3 much older siblings that it usually doesn’t go well. I agree about having separate accounts, most fights and divorces are because of money. I have been married before and have been with my bf 16 years and I have never shared a bank account with anyone and can happily say I’ve never had a fight about money. I grew up with my mom having to hide regular stuff from Kmart in the trunk until my dad went to work or he would be mad. I thought it was crazy to have to do that and when I got older I knew I would never want to live like that and hide stuff I bought. I knew never to share a bank account as it almost always leads to fights or worse.