Confused and tired of losing

[hardtochoose]

I really don’t know what my aim is here, I feel like at this point I’m just a little desperate for support. I’ve had anxiety, panic attacks, and depression for 15 years now. For awhile it seemed to be reduced by medication but recently it’s been flaring up more. I feel depressed to the point of thinking of suicide whenever something goes awry, which lately has been a lot. I’m also constantly anxious and my relationship has been a source of so much anxiety. I’m ruining my relationship with my anxiety. Digging into every mistake he makes and running around it in loops until we’re both exhausted. On top of that I’m constantly feeling defeated by my depression. Just this week - I got into a fight with my partner (yet again), was diagnosed with a thyroid condition, got in big trouble at work and may get fired, attended a 3 day wedding where I knew 1 person so a lot of social anxiety, and just today people commented on my photos insisting I am pregnant (I’m not). It’s just been a whole lot. And I feel like I’m barely holding on. I do see a therapist but it’s just too overwhelming for it to be highly effective. I also work SO hard on myself - I exercise 4 days a week, meditate, go to therapy, self care galore but it seems like it’s all for nothing. Like I said, I don’t even know what I want. But I appreciate anyone who has read up to this point or even considers commenting.

[Fireking1]

Hi, I can empathise. Even down to attending a hen party where I had social anxiety. But the fact you actually went despite the anxiety shows your resilience. I too have relationship issues,and I stupidly got drunk while at work so I thought I'd be in trouble. I am in recovery so it's always a battle! I always find ways to over carastophize and beat myself up for being the worst person ever rather than accepting an illness. Anxiety is a major player for me and I'm at a crossroads. I'm 45 and every time a friend says they got promotion or they get married I feel resentful and it fuels my anxiety as I think I am happy for you but why was I chosen to have the broken brain? I hope this honesty let's you know you aren't alone.Xx

[hardtochoose in reply to Fireking1]

Thank you so much. I’m sorry to hear you can relate because this is soo hard. I definitely beat myself up too after I come down from spiraling out of control with anxiety because it hurts others. I’m glad you’re in recovery but totally don’t blame you for needing some vice to just escape with. I appreciate your comment and I’m glad to know I’m not alone. Just wish this thing would go away.

[Fireking1 in reply to hardtochoose]

It really is hard,and nobody can see what's going on in your head. The helpful others say snap out of it,ooh you're normally so happy what's going on? However, I've been advised to show my strength in my vulnerability. That doesn't mean I'll share my feelings with just anyone but as long as I can open up to some, it's all got to be good hasn't it?

[hardtochoose in reply to Fireking1]

That’s so strong to be able to share your vulnerability with others. I struggle with asking for help because I’ve always been raised to take care of things myself. It’s hard to ask for help especially with the comments you named above too. Im glad I can come on here anonymously though and share, makes it a little more bearable to talk about my issues.

[Fireking1 in reply to hardtochoose]

I had steel walls around me, but secrets and shame lose their power if you can open up about them. We shouldn't be ashamed of an illness.I'm slowly trying to accept mine. Few struggles along the way but I wish you good luck.

[samack]

check out if your thyroid condition is adding to your mental health problems.

[hardtochoose in reply to samack]

Honestly it probably is. I was just diagnosed last week so I’m praying that my mental health will improve with the new medication. Sucks to suffer for so long not even knowing something else is going on with your health.