Guilt and heart pain.

[UkyoCoanccy]

It is been almost 20 days since I had an early miscarriage. When that happened, I was very confused. Specially because I did not know for sure that I was pregnant. After that day, I was hopping that it was just something that my Dr called implantation. With the pass of some days I realized that it was I a miscarriage.

I have been playing that day in my mind a lot of times. The idea of me not knowing what was happening, gets me crazy.

Fist, I thought, OMG could I be pregnant? I felt all the symptoms as my first kid.

Then, I thought, what am I going to do. I did not planned this. Why I did not take precautions. I can't deal with my own life. My anxiety, my depression and my kid with ADHD/Anxiety make it very difficult. How am I going to be able of taking care of a new life.

After my first pregnancy stick that showed me a faded positive, I was still waiting for this being an error.

After more days passed, the fear turned into joy. Something in my head and in my heart made me feel stronger and that everything was going to be OK.

A new baby. The joy of feeling him growing in my belly. My son having the sister/brother that he always wanted.

I was already planning my future. I was going to look for a bigger place to rent. I was planning how and when I was going to tell my son that he was going to have a baby brother or sister. I was thinking were to go and buy all the new clothes for my little one.

But it did not last much. 3 days after all my mental mess, I lost him. But I also was thinking, Probably it was a mistake and I was not pregnant at all.

After some more hours, I knew it. I had a miscarriage. I did not believe it. I just knew about it.

The next day I went to see a DR. She told me that it could be the implantation process and no a miscarriage. She told me to wait a couple of weeks more.

That change everything. I felt hope. There was a chance. Once in home, I use another pregnancy test. It still showed a faded positive.

The Dr told me that it was too early for a pregnancy test if the implantation was still in process, so when the second stick showed me positive, my hopes were getting bigger. I was very happy.

After a week, my pregnancy symptoms started to disappear little by little, so I used a third pregnancy stick.

I couldn't believe it. It was negative. I also went for a blood test just to be sure. It was negative too.

So, I was not pregnant anymore. I lost him. It means that, what I saw that day was him. He was on a very early formation and I was not sure of my pregnancy, so I flushed him in the toilet.

How could it be possible. Why did I lost him. Why I did not notice him. I lost him without knowing it.

I was crying. I felt guilt because how I felt at the very beginning of my pregnancy. I couldn't show him the much I love him. I couldn't make him feel loved because I did not know about him and then I got scared about him.

I play that image on my mind the whole day. I hopped that it was a mistake so I use another pregnancy stick. I wanted that everything was like a dream, but it still showed negative. Why?

I feel a lot of pain in my heart.

Probably I am crazy.

I am just thinking, I am sorry baby because I couldn't make you feel the love that you deserved. I am sorry for ignoring your existence. I am sorry for feeling fear instead of love and joy as my first response about you.

I am sorry because I did not notice when you were gone. I am sorry for not being the mother that you needed in your short life. I would like to go back in time and change everything.

I know it is a long story but my chest is going to explode.

This is a bad dream. A very long bad dream.

It is not necessary that some of you answer me. I just need to tell how do I feel. Just that.

[Mumma_h]

Hi UkyoCoancy, I just read your post and had to reply . First if all I’m so so sorry for your loss 😔. Oh my goodness you poor thing , you are not crazy at all, nothing you wrote in your post suggested that at all! All perfectly normal feelings to me . Feeling anxious and concerned about a unexpected pregnancy is soooo normal!! It does not mean for one second you did not want him or wouldn’t have absolutely loved and adored him , you sound like a wonderful mum . Allow yourself time to grieve and feel sad about it , it’s ok!! You have been through a LOT emotionally, and physically and hormonally too so please be kind to yourself and take your time . Please don’t be sorry or feel bad , you’ve done NOTHING wrong , it was a surprise that’s all, and does not take away how much you love him one single bit . A person that dosnt feel that way wouldn’t be so heartbroken and write such a heartfelt post . From one mum to another with much love and understanding , I really hope you’re are feeling ok soon 💕

[chaoticjoy3]

I am so sorry for your loss, you are dealing with a great deal of emotions right now. Please know that you are not crazy, many of us who have lost children through miscarriage can completely relate to how you are feeling. It is difficult, so difficult. And it takes time, when I lost my baby I spent a great deal of time in bed, grieving. It is a process, a grieving process. Take things one day at a time, and know that you are not alone. Prayers to you, that you find peace in the midst of the pain.....

[Mater09]

Grief over the loss of a child stays with a Mama forever...your ongoing struggles with these memories are valid and certainly heart breaking. You can still do something to remember and honor that little person. Think about planting a tree or flowering bush in that child's honor or write a poem or draw a picture of a beautiful scene and write a letter to that little one telling him how much you love him. And mark his day on your calendar and every year do something special on that day to remember this little one. Heart healing is a life long process and you're working at it little by little. If you would like to talk to a licensed professional counselor who can guide you through these thoughts please call 855-382-5433 for a free consultation.