Marital Issues

[Self-Destructive]

Hello,

I am new here and I just wanted to say hello. I am currently going through an extremely rough patch in my marriage. I have broken the trust between my wife and I by engaging in deceptive behaviors. I tried to access an OnlyFans account of a woman I saw on TikTok, not with any intention of paying for content, but just to see what was available for free... My wife discovered that I had done this and rightfully so, called me a cheater. I lied to her, told her I didn't know that's what OnlyFans was about, I did truly have no intention of seeing anymore than would have been available on another porn site but I know what I did was wrong. It really took a toll on our relationship.

This was about 6 months ago. My wife has not forgotten or forgiven, but she has stayed with me and we started to bounce back a bit. Unfortunately a few days ago I watched a YouTube video of an interview with a woman who is an OnlyFans model. I watched for a few minutes before ultimately deciding that even this was wrong, and I didn't want to be putting myself in a similar situation. My wife then noticed this in my YouTube watch history. She is livid, feels as though I have cheated again and that I will never change. She told me to leave her alone forever. I have been giving her space but I'm unsure if I should try and talk to her, or wait for her to come to me.

Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks

[Hidden]

Sorry you are going through such an unhappy time with your Wife.We are a Mental Health site and we generally deal with those associated problems.

However I feel you made a silly error in the first place and that brought about your Wifes wifes fears. I find it strange how your Wife was watching your computer content, however that would be a suspicious twist regarding past history ?.

You knew how your wife felt regards this activity and luckly problems seemed to become less problematic. And what did you do you went and did the same thing again, So you knew what to expect the second time, although content was not of the same caliber. You have to sort this if possible, and explain you will keep away from these types of site.

I have been married forty years and we made a promise when me married to be truthful. That was a long time ago. We remain truthful and never lie.

You failed in the first instance and was found out, what you did was do it again.

You have a great deal to explain, and personally I would recommend you try and settle you marriage back to some form of normality.

Be kind and understand how she must feel

BOB

[Kat_21]

So, I'm a 22 year old woman with similar issues. (I have insecurities and used to check my husbands phone). So, how I see it.. Why was she checking in the first place? It seems to me you didn't only betray her trust, she betrayed yours, too. I believe wholeheartedly in not shaming a relationship on the agreements made for the relationships. (looking at porn is okay in some cases, not in others etc. Anything that betrays these rules is betrayal). However, I also believe that you should trust that person to tell you if they made a mistake. Do you go through her things as well? Is it a two way street? If not then that seems unfair and untrustworthy.

And watching an interview doesn't seem like a reason to get mad, but I guess I can understand that. Why don't you bring it up to her when you mess up? I feel being honest is better than waiting for someone to find out.

I don't think it's a reason to leave you though. I think you need to work on communication and maybe couple's counselling? Because it seems she's dealing with a lot internally, too ( that's what it was for me).

Anyways, I'm here if you need to vent or a friend. Try being honest and avoiding things that will upset her. But expect the same from her that she does you.

[cocoyellow]

Being on onlyfans is just wrong when married. But watching a youtube interview of onlyfans shouldn't be the reason for a divorce. She has a reason to be upset since it triggered her a bad memory of the first incident, but not tell you to leave her alone forever. I agree with the others said, there is insecurity since she was snooping on your web history and that is unhealthy and causes unhealthy behavior. Perhaps if she is not talking to you, you can write her a throughful loving letter on what your intentions were and that you meant no harm

[b1b1b1]

I agree with writing her a letter explaining yourself and telling her you love her, etc. etc. Both of you should come to some agreement about snooping on each other's phones and internet activities and e-mails. Marriage counseling may help with both of these issues. It also shows her you are serious about wanting to remain in the marriage.

[Roukaya]

Good morning I wonder why in the first place you would betray your wife in the first place by engaging in such deceptive and deceitful behaviour.

I expect she feels very let down and hurt and devalued as a wife and you should ask yourself what is missing in your own marriage for you to engage in such behaviour in the first place .

I think if you truly felt fulfilled in your marriage , you would not consider or contemplate such behaviour this will again erode your wife’s self esteem and confidence.

I think it is best you give your wife time and talk and see if she is willing to forgive you but if you love someone that person should be enough for you .

Loyalty, respect and the key sacraments of your marriage vows to be considered and reflected upon .

I was once told man cannot be monogamous but in effect marriage does place this agreement before you both .

However , I respect your honestly to explain your situation.

[DodgeDhanda]

You both need to sit down & simply talk .

How would she feel if U accused her of cheating if she watched Magic Mike!!!

Communication is the key. U both need to establish it again . It's very important & actually talk about everything including jealousy.

[Daveacr1959]

I am 62 and am married 41 years. I do not know what tic tock or only fans is . But let’s say it’s like a web cam naked model? Or worse yet an escort? Yes , she would be mad because she feels trust was broken. It’s not like you actually were with another woman. Keep after her and get her to forgive you. Let her know the internet is full of naked pretty girls. And it was just too easy for you to sneak a peek. And you didn’t know how much it would hurt her, and you promise not to do it again. If she loves you she will fore give you.

[dmt1121]

You haven't said what your diagnosis is and that's key to any discussion about behavior. Issues of sell esteem, dissatisfaction with your sex life and just a breakdown in the bond that you and your wife have can occur for many reasons.

There is something driving this behavior. I had similar issues in my marriage many years ago and there were so many issues feeding into it. It was like a gordian knot of my bi-polar disorder (undiagnosed at that time), a probable hormone imbalance, a mismatch in libido between my wife and I and dealing with mental and emotional issues with our young daughters. It took years of work to get through it and to agree what was unacceptable behavior and what was tolerable. We also began to understand the motivations and areas we each needed to do individually and as a couple.

We did a lot of talking. I was honest about what was driving my behavior and my wife admitted that we did have different sex drives. Online porn became okay, as long as it was discreet and did not interfere with our relationship because it bridged the gap between us, sexually. It was not the best solution but it did work. We also made a commitment to listen more to each other and work toward improving our relationship in all ways.

I believe the answer often needs to center around self-reflection and communication, not shame, not anger and not jumping to a conclusions about the other person. Find out the causes together and if you truly love each other you will arrive at a solution. The answer cannot be one sided or absolute because that will lead to failure. Be honest and hear each other's deepest fears and desires, and admit if you don't know why you are behaving the way you are. However, that is not an excuse.

It merely reveals the need for an outside professional to work with you. Perhaps see a good marriage counselor (it may take a little while to find one you both like and connect with) if you need someone to help you break through that invisible wall. It may also require more time that you need to spend with your therapist and/or psychiatrist, if you are having ongoing mental and emotional health issues that are contributing factor.

If you love her and want to resolve these issues, show her by offering to do the work to figure it out. She must do the work too. Good luck!