Hello everyone and thanks for the support I received in my previous post. It has helped me a lot to hear that I am not alone. Sometimes I feel very lonely because I feel that what happens in my internal world is non-transferable, and that no matter how much love and support I receive from outside, only those who go through something like that really understand you. Does it happens to anyone else?
So... after 1 month of tapering and 10 days without venlafaxine and with 3 anxiety attacks + crying + desperate negative loop a DAY, my doc decided that I should go back to taking the minimum dose (37.5) to achieve a maintenance stage. Due to an issue with my private health insurance, I can no longer see this doc, and now they have to assign me a new one, which may take a while in which I will continue with venlafaxine at a minimum dose.
I'm scared, and most of all, I'm angry. Not because I go back to medication, but because this makes me feel like I "failed", that I have no cure, that I am irretrievably condemned to be seen as "sick." It's STUPID since I surround myself with people who love me. care for and support me, and no one stigmatizes me that way. It is my own judgment, my own head that is demanding. It's a self-bullying loop.
Why can't I be more loving to myself? I live "preaching" that every mental health process requires patience, that society makes it invisible... but with me I don't apply any of it. I'm analysing this stuff in psychotherapy... The thing is, you can have it all seen, like you already know your inner deepest shit... but then I don't change how I cope with it.
Anyway, just a bit of catharsis.
Thanks to everyone, just knowing you are out there makes me feel less lonley
PS:
If you have books / podcasts / videos about living with anxiety / tapering / breathing techniques, WHATEVER THING THAT ACTUALLY WORKED FOR YOU to recommend, you are welcome to name them. I've never read any self-help book, bur right now I'm open to anything. I would really like to go to yoga classes but I'm broke and can't afford them right now.
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1303abion
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We tend to be much harder on ourselves than we ever would be one someone else...especially if they suffer from mental illness. I can empathize with your feelings about being a "hypocrite"...I have the same ones. I'm going to be "that person" to encourage you to realize that you are not being a hypocrite. You are suffering from a disease process that is as real as heart, kidney or any other body process that is diseased.
One thing that has worked for me is that when my anxiety is at a lull, it is at those times that I really try hard to express self compassion. I get it! This is hard, it is the hardest thing that I have ever done. When you can, take a step back and view yourself as another person that you would talk to if they came to you for help with their mental illness issues.
As far as medication goes, there is no shame in taking it. I had a kidney transplant three years ago, which is about when my anxiety started, and I take a handful of meds each day to keep me from rejecting it. I don't have a second thought about taking these meds. Let's both you and I take the same approach to our mental health meds.
Dear Father in Heaven, I pray for my friend who is undergoing the same suffering that I am. I ask that you will take special notice of them today and that you will wrap Your arms of love around them and let them know just how special that they are. I also ask that you will give them peace.
It really is, and even for me that I am not that spiritual, I've almost cried reading your prayer for me. And btw, Byoung if you are giving this beautiful energy to the world, I bet you can now try to send it to yourself. But if you can't I'm here. We need to support each other when we start with the self negative talk loop.
Hugs, my dear friend.
This is where I find some very good yoga classes, 1303abion. No need to go out to a class, you can follow along in the comfort of your own space.
I didn't read your entire post and I didn't read the responses. It's wonderful if you have people that love and try to support you. But that doesn't heal you if there is a true imbalance of chemicals in your brain.
I know that because I've been on drugs for 25yrs. I was angry about it, I still feel stupid and insecure about it. Feel like I've lost all the potential in my life over it. Been humiliated by doctors about it.
I will be the one who doesn't blow sunshine up your ass. I need meds just to keep me half-assed functioning. I've been without insurance. There are some drug companies out there who will practically pay for your meds. I took Pristiq and got it nearly free but that was before the generic came out.
I have been lucky, I suppose, to have found Dr.s and therapists once in a while that I connect with. I'm old enough now to accept that I need medication. I also benefit greatly when I have a psychotherapist work with. But that's almost as important as medication to some people.
You have to find someone you connect with, it is an intimate relationship that you pay for. It is very expensive and when you can't pay then you get dumped. Don't get me wrong, I've dumped some myself and had a couple that literally cried with me ...but you have to realize that therapy is their job and they can't do it for free.
No one can make you love yourself. I've failed on and off since I was 12, Depression, mental illness and addiction run in both sides of the family. That is why I never procreated.
I'm having a very difficult time right now. I finally have decent insurance but it is really hard to take time off the job. I've taken so many meds over the years. Overdosed, self-medicating, and I'm afraid to change. What if it helps? What if it doesn't? How can I deal with the nightmares and sleeplessness when I'm weaning?
Every day is a fight for me and I won't tell you how many days are bad, tolerable, decent, ok, good and a few that are wonderful.
You just keep living, day to day, fight to live, fight to find a drug that works and a therapist who can help.
If you have people that love you and support you try to be patient with them. My husband, whom I love dearly, doesn't have a clue but he tries and loves me so much that he accepts me but can't understand. I spent last weekend in bed..Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday.
I can't believe I've written this much but I'm fighting right now. Self-loathing, failure, antisocial, just want to sleep all the time and "self medicate".
Sometimes the fight isn't to feel better.
It's a fight to find someone who will help and a drug company who supports their drug for those who cannot afford... it's not sympathy, it's a tax break.
Fight for the good days, the good weeks and occasionally the good months. Find a therapist if you can. It's like a first date, you feel it or you don't. That doesn't mean it doesn't help, that just wasn't the right person for you.
Fight as best you can, every day. Find a therapist that you connect with. Find yoga, painting, axe throwing, salsa or whatever...bty yoga and anything else you could ever want is on youtube but you want the human connection...lucky for you...seriously.
Learn to live and fight another day, week, month...I never go past a year.
So you do better...take advantage of those days that you feel like fighting, don't be resentful or feel self-loathing because you need medication, so do diabetics, epileptics (talk about humiliating, I have a seizure disorder too).
There are so many out there with the same burdens, you fight, live, find a better drug, therapist, doctor and keep moving
Thank you so much for being there. You are brave and despite your struggles you are still here and sharing and trying to help others.Addiction and mental illnesses also run in my family. I know that, for other people, the fight is even harder and that we are all fighting against an invisible and exhausting disease. I am very happy that you can lean on your husband and I am very happy that you continue to fight day by day, step by step.As for me, I have already found a psychotherapist with whom I have connected. On the other hand, thanks to this group, today I did a yoga practice in the morning. I can not trust that I will be able to do it every day... there will be bad days, but as you say, be grateful for those days in which we fight harder, treasure the "ok" days, "decent" days, and appreciate very much the "spectacular" that comes once in a while. We can not beaten ourselves for those bad days.
1303abion this is Kite-Lover2 / I have not had access to email for over a month accept my apology for the delayed response.
I hear you and understand where you’re coming from, I’m also hard on myself although over time with practice I've learned how to ease up on myself by being mindful of my expectations or demands regarding my mental wellness. Some of the tactical techniques I use are remembering past experiences this has help me reline my perception. example if I have headaches, I'll take medicine (aspirin) even if it's hemorrhoids I'll gladly will take any medication over and over again ANYTHING for relief. Some years ago, I asked myself why to do I have so many problems with medication that provided some relief in the mind (Psychotropics) and can I change my perception regarding this class of medication? Am I willing to risk the opportunity for improved mental health due to hanging on to my deeply seeded bias attuites towards PSYC meds or am I only reflecting what I hear other say over and over again? I gave myself a break and started to be honest with myself. What I do know is "It's a wonderful life, even inside my head"
Knowledge, partnerships and action is effective medicines I continue to take daily.
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I haven't been on for a long time, But heres my update why I was depressed and I have come out to say why I was. 
Recently Released
Anxiety 
If I ever will...
in shock & hurting
