Sadness that feels like it's enveloping me. Could use words of support if anyone has time this evening.

My husband (whom I do love, very much) is just tap dancing on my last nerve lately. He is enmeshed with his family and I have gone No Contact with them (best decision of my LIFE, strongly encouraged by my psychiatrist who knew the stimulus behind my panic attacks was directly a result of the abuse from my jealous mother-in-law and her daughters) but he still goes over there to visit them, sometimes behind my back. It's just one of those terrible feelings that feels like it's swallowing me. He leaves for an out of state trip tomorrow and will be gone for 9 days. I'm glad; I need a break from him.

[Hb2003]

Lots of hugs and kindness and support ❤️🫂

[Hidden in reply to Hb2003]

Thank you, dear heart xo

[Hb2003 in reply to Hidden]

Your welcome 🙏 ❤️🫂

[hypercat54]

I think he needs reminding that you are his main priority and his family after you married him and not his birth family. Why doesn't he stop their attacks on you? He should be protecting you from them.

If he can't or won't however and still chooses to spend time with them I think that is acceptable but not too much and leaving you alone for too long.

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you, hypercat, for your validation and support. Seven years ago he did not stick up for me when his mother would hurl passive-aggressive barbs at me. I laid down my bottom line. We've evolved since then with the help of specialists in the arena of family enmeshment. A therapist schooled me on the (somewhat taboo in most societies) concept of Mother Enmeshed Men (MEM) and I've since read a book by Dr. Ken Adams titled "When He's Married to Mom" and it opened my eyes significantly to the abuse and manipulation that he's suffered at the hands of this impaired parental figure. In the past 1.5 years he only sees his family about every month or two which is huge because up until 2020 he was having dinner with his mother once a week and then sticking around to take care of all her little handyman repairs (after working a 10 hour shift at work- and she's by no means short on money to hire people to do stuff, btw), plus spending a great deal of time almost every weekend - sometimes 8 hour days - tending to them while I stayed here taking care of our home. That's when I started looking into divorce, so he got serious. Things were peaceful and WONDERFUL when we actually had a chance to have a marriage. But since the COVID vaccinations I'm noticing they're starting to pull him back in. I guess that's what really made me so sad. It's just so destabilizing. I know he's trying; he's put up boundaries and has been not quick to respond to their texts/lets calls go to voicemail, even. He's come a long way. It's just that hypervigilance surrounding the fear that he's being lured in again by the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). I know there's no quick answer; I'm not seeking one on the forum... I see my therapist Wednesday morning. He's leaving tomorrow- thank goodness. I just feel so heavy-hearted. I never imagined marriage could feel so hard.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

But i want to thank you, hypercat54, because I do need to remind him that his marriage needs to be his priority. I'm such a likeable person; I never imagined there could be a person on this planet that could HATE me so much (his mother). I know it may seem irrational (and I admitted this very sentiment to him earlier) but it just feels so surreal that he can go visit someone and sit with her and smile and her and hug her - - know full well that she hates the person he's made vows to (me), someone who she has abused to mercilessly and made cry and made have nervous breakdowns from all the gaslighting. She's mean as a snake. But I know I can't force him to "choose" or go No Contact. Perhaps after we all feel safer venturing out, I'll fill my time with friends and outings that don't involve him. Perhaps I sound like a child by saying this, but during his 9 day trip I am not going to stay in touch with him much. Usually we Skype for about an hour every night, but I just am not interested in that at all. It's not a form of control or manipulation. I just want to have a total break from him. I'm so disenchanted. Thanks again, and much love XO

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

It might be drastic but have you thought of moving many miles away? If he can't keep low contact with them then this could be the only option.

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

Only every day and night, and in my best nighttime dreams, HA... but his job is where he belongs and it's in the same city. Sadly. We're going to continue to work on this thing. Here's come the dark: The person who calls herself his mother likely only has a handful of years on this planet. She's the ringleader; the rest of them are so trauma bonded to her that they dance to the tune of her dysfunctional song. But, once she's gone (again, not to be the evil dark sounding person) I seriously do not believe my beloved will be very interested in keeping contact with the rest of them. And, for the record, i did tell him this evening that if he is dishonest with me about his whereabouts again that i will not hesitate to move out. I've already got a giant suitcase packed. It's just a terrible feeling that I've invested so much of myself into a seven year period to think that a one-person-wrecking-crew could be the demise of it all. But I hold onto hope. Thank you again... I'm self-medicating with carbs (pasta & bread) so i'll probably slip into a food coma soon. Ugh. Send me the good vibe, yo!

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

Ha ha good for you. Don't let the b****** grind you down. Am very familiar with the food coma! 😁😁

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

I feel empowered. I did NOT feel that way when I submitted the post this evening. Thanks again! Hugs XO

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

Wow that's great and thanks for saying that as it makes me feel good. Validation is much under rated but is essential. Hugs xx

[Hidden]

I feel empowered. I did NOT feel that way when I submitted the post this evening. Thanks again! Hugs XO

[Fearoffear]

Periwinkle I am with you 💯!! My monster in law came to my house every day and when I got mad she called me a liar. It got so bad she drove me I to shingles and then told everyone I got it from being dirty 😳😲 She tries to get her son against me whenever he spends too much time there. I have asked my husband to cut down his smoking because it makes me ill smelling it on him (chain smoker) she comes over and first thing she does in front of me is asks her baby boy if he wants one. He refuses and she proceeds to smoke like a chimney in my house and all he can say is I'll clean when she's gone. Guess what she leaves and I clean to remove the smell. Heaven forbid she needs something or his sister and he's right there. His jailbird drug addicted brother and other sister also get his attention because he feels bad they are not welcome here because of their choices. She called up last month and said I can't afford to live on my own I'm going to have to live with one of my kids and I looked at my husband and said I'm getting a lawyer. He has dialed his mom back since then, it will only stay that way a couple of months and he'll be right on back. Mind you his mom didn't raise none of her kids the system did. So if you don't have it quite that bad take it as a blessing as everytime I see this woman's name pop up I get an instant panic attack. If you made it to the end I hope you know she keeps my wittiness on point😂😂

[Hidden in reply to Fearoffear]

Those people you described remind me of my family of origin, ugh. There's an awesome support site called

Out of the FOG outofthefog.website/

FOG stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt. It's a really, really helpful site. It came as a huge shock to me that tens of thousands of people from all over the world are literally suffering so much at the hands of their in-laws and dysfunctional "family" members. Dr Ramani has a great youtube channel that helped me quite a lot also. Take care, and thanks for weighing in! xo

[Midori]

As long as he's not expecting you to go see his family with him, I personally would count it as a win.

He's away for 9 days, you can relax , because I sense you need a break from him!

Cheers, Midori

[Hidden]

Thank you for reminding me of that important point, Midori. They don't have access to me anymore so it's a time for healing. The other night when I made that post I was in such a low place... it has been a nice break having him gone for awhile. Take care! xo