Ever since my father passed away back in 2009 something totally switched off inside me like a candle been snuffed out. Being a previously and incredibly active person having multiple interests, in both Photography, kite flying to metal detecting to collecting antiques and travelling to many antique shows and festivals and while all these things filled up in between my 2 main hobbies of fishing and restoring old motorbikes to riding and racing them so my life was incredibly full from day to day often doing multiple things in one day to fit it all in.
When dad died though, something simply died inside from that day on preventing me from doing anything at all. I found doing or going anywhere on my own especially, was virtually impossible as I seemed to lose all ability to coordinate myself and found the get-up and go had simply got up and gone and any keen enthusiasm I had beforehand had vanished and I struggled so much to reason with myself as to why or what happened to the old me? Fishing which was my total passion and consumed such a lot of my time I struggled with the most, I would get to the destination, sit there unable to get out of the car and often turn around in the carpark and drive back home often in tears incapable of being able to make a day or even an hour of something, wasting my time, my car's fuel but most of all feeling like I had let myself down badly and this has gone on ever since. Trying to work out myself why this has happened or putting a finger on the actual thing as to why this has happened was the greatest feat spending countless hours and days trying to figure it all out in my head working out why I just couldn't physically make it all happen putting theory into practice anymore and do the very one things that I loved doing so passionately. I still haven't worked it all out even today and since then I have lost my mother too just recently. I am desperate to go and do a bit go fishing again or pick up my camera and begin taking a few pictures again or even flying my kite or going metal detecting again but make up every excuse in the book as to why I could not possibly go with my illnesses being at the very centre of my list holding me back. I honestly feel there are no reasons other than me stopping me as there is nothing holding me back but for me itself? I have all the equipment but just lack the confidence to do it on my own. I have tried counselling about this, speaking to my GP. talking to my partner yet it does not seem to work. Everything else seems to consume and envelop me and my days seem to go and blend into each other and nothing ever gets sorted, then the year again is up and I have done nothing on my list again and that's yet another year put on hold. I wish I had a close friend to go with who could maybe motivate me into rekindling these interests again, certainly things like the fishing would be a great release for me. it helps all sorts of medical issues and gives you something other than sleeping and feeling depressed and I feel it would be a good thing to get back into. I am working on the metal detecting thing, I gained 2 permissions on farmland and pasture but both are not easy with me having fibromyalgia, I'd rather have grassland or ploughed fields as they are easier for me to negotiate all be it slowly. Does anyone else suffer a similar thing to me?
Jokes
Delayed Anxiety?
My journey about anxiety + depression and how i really cope it with my own help and ofc little help from family.
