My mom, my friends’ moms. They always used to say, “Everything will work out” when we came to them.
Now my mom has Alzheimer’s and she doesn’t say it anymore. And is it working out? I wish I knew what she’d say to that. Sometimes she doesn’t see me. I make it a point to show her I see her.
I miss her. She used to say, “How did you get so smart?” and “You are amazing.” Well I came from her. She was always so at peace and joyful. I wish I could be like that, well Im trying at least. And I miss her although she’s right here.
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I'm sorry. My dad had Parkinsons and alzheimers too. For years he didn't know me and would ask who my husband was. It was sad. The last time I saw him before he passed, he was drawing with my daughter and it was a real sweet moment that I will never forget. She's in there. Her heart knows you.
Melhall thanks. That’s really beautiful for you to keep in your memory. It makes me cry that I can’t seem to reach her. For a long time I tried having her color and I put her favorite things and letters and pictures that made her laugh in a book but these days less reaches her and I’ve become less there for her as I have my problems worse than usual.
Prayers and warmness for you and your mum. I have much to share about my own experiences, research, and opinions on this topic. Being primary caregiver to someone who cannot be reached is exhausting, and precious. For me, all of that is put into a box wrapped with a lovely blue bow, and put up on a high shelf in my mind. So I won’t be able to share much of that now...
My mum used to say that’s what to do with things that you can’t deal with right now. It’s a way to “organize” the things that cause a traffic jam for you emotionally., and mentally. My mum had many, many shelves of such lovely wrapped parcels. Lol.
Then when you are ready, take it down and open the box, and look at what’s inside for while...and when you’ve had enough...carefully wrap those thoughts and feeling back up and return them to their safe storage place. My mum died a couple years ago, so no need to hear her say that anymore, bc she left it with me as a gift...forever.
Here’s what I can share, without getting the box down. Over the years several immediate family member have had mental conditions that were “unreachable” (ie Schizophrenia, Alzheimer’s / Traumatic Brain Injury). My personal opinion (and plan for the future) is to gently learn to put your own memories, and expectations aside (easier said than done). And meet that person where ever they are now.
Make little moments of joy for them...in their world now, instead of trying to recover their memory for what works in your own world. Go along with whatever they say, and enjoy their current mind location, and laugh together. Somehow help make them feel less alone. There are many books out there about this, and movies as well. Maybe give it a try. It’s harder than in seems.
Took me a lot of reading to make it work for me. Once you get the hang of it, there is a freeing element of selflessly going along, rather than fighting what is happening to your loved one. 🍄 🌸 🌞
I love the wrapped boxes on shelves concept, I often picture a vase in the sky and I climb up a ladder to in my mind and I stick thoughts in it and close the top then climb back down. Same kind of thing.
I love that you have that gift and in the gift you have your mom.
Meeting that person where they are is a good idea and we do that, we come inside of her world sometimes and she laughs often, but my kids are the best at it, they come to my mom and give her so much love and attention. Beautiful.
Amazing how our own minds can help us make what we need to have, thanks for sharing about your Vase in the Sky.
Same-same concept, with apparent minimal requirements of extreme distance/height of storage, self-control of access, and some type of containage mechanism (a door, box, etc). Very cool. I wonder what types of other mental images people use...I bet there are many!
That is so great you can do that with your mom, and awesome about your kids. My kids have such an amazing affect on my dad, in a similar way.
In the future, when this unpleasant-ish issue appears in my own life again...I will be glad to have this site as an outlet for all those feelings of not wanting to show to our kids, and family members. Bc we love them enough to try and “protect” them. Been there, done that.
Yup the more detail we create to go into our ‘putting thoughts away place’ the better. Makes it more real and works better that way to really get into it.
It’s great that your kids have that type of relationship with your dad. How old are your kiddos?
A So great for you. Wow, 7 year old. I can’t even imagine. Lol. I have 2 girls, and they are so precious to me. The oldest just recently left home, at 27. She had an “extended stay” with us, due to a brain injury in her late teens. So, I’m adjusting....(with tears streaming as I just typed that).🍄 🌸 🌞
Haha. It is hard with them growing up fast. My sister has 2 boys. I will be okay., getting better all the time. Thanks for asking. I haven’t really thought about creating a lovey box for that topic until now. Idk why not, seems it should have been done a while back. That would be best, since I think I’ve done enough head-on-collision-healing for today🤯🥴🤤🤣
Don’t wanna push it, so....I will answer the second part of your post tomorrow....so, Please HOLD... 🎶 🎶 🎶 (with complementary elevator music). 🤣😂🤣
Oh No no, don’t be sorry. Ask away...I welcome it, bc it makes me heal faster. For me, tears are my road-map to what need tending to. I have always been a salt in the canker-sore kinda gal anyway. If it will make the hurt shorter, I’m all for it. It’s really fine, I’m a curious one too...
Your words bring very happy tears to my eyes. She did teach me well. I just spent some time with her and I saw her in there and she is so happy and peaceful. With all she goes through she’s still got that strength in her soul, that love, that hope, that faith.
We will always see each other.
This is a very cruel condition, my Father and Aunt had it they are both gone now and I miss my Aunt as I had the job getting her to hospital and representing her with Social Services, nursing home and various nurses. I eventually had to arrange the funeral and look after the will, She had made errors and that really knocked the stuffing out of me as Her family were located in Australia.
I found music seemed to help they would have sing songs in the Nursing home and it seemed to liven up Her Thoughts. If you have aunts and uncles sometimes when they turn up, they may get some interaction with an old photo book or pictures when you were young etc. Yes they loose memory although they can remember things from earlier times. So past memories seem to be a way to go.
When She was ok you mention various sayings she would say, try and remember and say the same things to her that may help
Is your Father still around a nudge of the past activities may also help. It is not all down to her sitting in a corner, with no interaction.
Music yeah that can sure help to calm. Oh yeah sometimes we get out the photographs, my mom always likes that.
True, repeating her own phrases sounds smart as it would be familiar and comforting to her... thanks.
My father is there for her. He’s stopped taking her shopping and such though since she constantly wanders off but I offered to come along to help and he agreed.
Hmmmm. Not so much for me here I’m sorry to say. I don’t believe everything happens for a reason. I do believe that an event, in and of itself, is not ‘good’ or ‘bad’. It’s the emotions humans choose to place on it that make it so. Therefore all events are learning experiences. Frequently there is no reason.
I do believe that physics prove for every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction. In our bodies this is the case as well. IMHO I find this true in most of life.
My thoughts are often on the ledge. My husband often tells me to ‘loosen the bone Wilma’. (The Flintstones)
However, when I set a plan in motion it’s not finished until it’s right. It teaches patience and caring for yourself and others. It works for myself and my family.
Lol, I laugh at the Wilma comment, my grandson wants to put the Flintstones on that it was something that I enjoyed when I was a child 🙂. I DO believe in what comes around goes around. I've seen it happen time after time, it takes the pressure off me wanting to get Revenge? That's God's to handle, so I'm very Calm when someone has mistreated me cause I Know they'll get theirs 🙂
Oh don’t get in the way. You can’t do the job the way God can and you certainly don’t want anything to splash on you. Stand back and let it happen. His circus; His monkeys.
I’m so sorry to hear that about your Mom. My Mom passed away 2 years ago. I miss her terribly. She was very ill but did not have dementia. I know what you mean, you want to hear those familiar words. Know that she loves you, even if she can’t say it. It must be very hard.
So difficult for you... I understand yet this nasty disease took your moms mind away she still feels the same way about you and always will...believe that one sister!
Sending you sparkles along with peace of mind...
Dump trucks of groovy love, peace, light, joy and hugs for ya sister!
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