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[pinkGerbera]

I'm a latina female and if anyone knows about growing up latin(x), especially being a female, then you know how difficult it is. I'm 28 and my parents never want me to move out and they treat me like a child. I can't go out whenever I want so I lie to them constantly about where I am. I pay my owns bills and even pay them $450 for living with them. It's been going on for too long now and I've lost so much hair and I always feel so angry now. If I even mention moving out, they start changing with me and treating me differently. My mom actually told me "how dare you want to leave me." I have 3 older siblings, all married and they have kids. I'm the last one left and I hate being the youngest. I want to stay close to my parents but not this close. Anyone have any advice for me or maybe going through a similar situation?

[hypercat54]

Hi nice to meet you. I don't know your culture but what occurred to me is that your parents expect you as the youngest female to stay and care for them in their old age. Is that a possible reason?

You are however legally an adult and you can do what you want so if you wish to leave then I would. You would have to face the fact though that your parents would not understand your desire to have your own life and they might not remain so close to you.

I guess it depends on which is the lesser or 2 evils though. Risk some alienation from your parents or stay and look after them forever. What do your siblings say?

[pinkGerbera in reply to hypercat54]

Hello, nice to meet you as well. Thank you for responding. My parents have mentioned me taking care of them when they are older. In fact they plan on giving me the title of their home as long as I do not throw them out of the house and that I care for them. But I don't understand why they want that kind of life for me. My siblings got to leave without any issues, it's just me that they want to keep there. My siblings have told me that it is partially my fault because I do whatever my parents ask me to do. I can almost never say no. But my siblings have also tried helping me and telling me that I could go live with them until I find my own place. The only issue with that is that my parents will stop talking to us, they've done it before and I don't want my siblings to be on bad terms with them. I do ask myself if I'd rather have freedom than keep putting up with living there. I'm sure eventually my parents would talk to me again.....

[hypercat54 in reply to pinkGerbera]

They are not thinking of you at all but of themselves. It is entirely selfish on their part. If they had your best interests at heart they would encourage you to be free to live your life as you choose. Does this make it a bit clearer?

Your siblings are right. Why not go and stay with one of them for a while - say a week and see how you like being away from your parents and having freedom? This could also be a way of moving out more gently if you keep doing it.

It would give your parents time to adjust and then one day you just don't go home again. You can make some excuse up why you can't go back home to live ie they need you to help with the kids etc. This way you can move out by default and should avoid any confrontations or at least keep them to a minimum.

[pinkGerbera in reply to hypercat54]

You're right, they don't think of me at all. Only themselves, it's not hard for me to see that, just hard for me to do something about it. Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it and it is very helpful. I just need to actually step it up and do something about it so that I can be happy. My mom is strict and sometimes I'm scared of her but somehow she always makes me feel bad for her. I guess guilt, so this is going to be difficult for me. But it's getting harder every week to be there.

[Hidden in reply to pinkGerbera]

Unwise And easy for me to say try negotiating try having a conference or get a mediator with your church and lay down some ground rules for that are acceptable to both parties so you can have more freedom and know their expectations and if they are acceptable so it’s not an all or non-situation I will try to find a mediator through the church or a relative so that you guys can sit at the table and it’s not you alone facing your parents no matter how old you are so dynamics are just so strong easy for me to say but I would want to have a conference with my parents as they are afraid of getting old you want to respect their needs but you have personal needs and caretakers need to be to take care of themselves to take care of others again you are welcome to disregard anything I have to say because it’s very easy for me to say in general the women have better advice than I do I feel for you and if that’s usefulIf that’s useful you’re welcome to it if it’s not then totally ignore what I’m saying I feel for you we all feel for you and I’m sure I’m sure there will be constructive advice I would stay in touch with the women here and they will be of assistance as they respect and understand your complex situation take care

[pinkGerbera in reply to Hidden]

I feel like she would absolutely hate me if I were to involve a mediator, even if it were a family member I think she would just hate me so much. It's hard to tell her how I feel, she doesn't show much emotion other than anger. My dad is actually not so bad but somehow my mom got him to try to convince me to stay with them forever. Thank you for your advice, it is very helpful. It makes me feel so much better being able to say what I feel, now I just need to take action.

[hypercat54 in reply to pinkGerbera]

Well try doing it in the more gentle way I mentioned. Once you get used to your newfound freedom you will find it easier to stand up to your parents. It's very difficult when you are in the middle of it so space away from them will give you much needed thinking room.

[Hidden in reply to pinkGerbera]

My discussions it’s just that neighbors talking that’s all it is I don’t know your mother she may be very hot blooded and I can appreciate that very well she may go ballistic very easily or getting very angry and again however however big however I can tell you that all the people here are extremely receptive animal say that again and I will say that again everyone here is sympathetic and very very receptive this is your safe area where you can find people that that have good advice or can appreciate your situation they are good listeners and they do not bite they do not betray us they do not share and they will definitely be supportive and understanding and patient and in your corner that is a statement based on experience with this group not Pollyanna

Everyone here has been very patient with me very kind and very supportive and very helpful this is a safe place that you are allowed to vent and share as they have done for me time and time again I would listen to a lot of people here as they are very they have a very good you’re in much better with people than I am take care of though my discussion was just discussion you were never pressured to do anything it was just discussion take care

[pinkGerbera in reply to Hidden]

I understand and I'm so glad that I found this safe place. Not only can I find help but I can try to help others. Thank you so much

[Hidden in reply to pinkGerbera]

That’s exactly right it’s a two-way street here and it’s not competitive it’s not a place where one person is helping all the time and the others is like it’s more like a circle it’s more like a community sometimes this person helps sometimes we we help each other back-and-forth they’ve helped me a great deal but it’s not always you know it’s not like counseling where it’s just a one-way one-way thing so this is much more of a community of people that can relate to each other that listen listen because we can relate to each other and you’re not obligated to take anything and there will be plenty of times when you will be helping and contributing to other people to which helps all of us feel good about ourselves as were trying to save other people pain and suffering and make their lives better so it’s not a competitive it’s not a competitive circle and everybody talks level it’s not patronizing like so often you hear everybody talks on the same level of your peer to peer her friend to friend you know neighbor to neighbor and yes you will help s You will help us and others in your own town this is indeed time time this is a safe place no one judges no one shares outside the circle

[Xmmznz]

Hello! It can be so frustrating to be treated like that, i am mexican, my whole family is, so i get it. They infantalize me so much and i've researched it's something that narcissistic parents do to keep you dependant on them. Have you told them how they make you feel? I hope it gets better for you soon

[pinkGerbera in reply to Xmmznz]

Hello, I think I'll do some research about it. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person going through this. I tried in 2019 and my mom got so angry and wouldn't speak to me, my dad was not so angry. My mom thinks I want to leave her completely alone but I just want to be independent and live on my own, she tells me that she doesn't think I can do it because she's always making me my food and so many other things that she does. I can see all the things she does to make sure that I stay dependent. But it's so hard to tell her to stop.Thank you for your advice, it's very helpful.

[BonnieSue]

Hi,You have my sympathy for the way your parents are treating you. It is very unfair of them, very selfish. I myself have 3 grown sons and I am careful not to lean too hard on them or tie them up too much with helping me in my home. I believe they and you have a right to your own life while still respecting your parents and helping them out. This point is crucial.

I believe your Mom especially is afraid you'll meet Mr. Right and go off with him and make your own life without them. When the topic ever comes up, remember to reassure your parents that, if you moved out, you would not abandon them, you will visit and help them out where needed. And if you are going to help when they are very old and very needy, assure them of that also. Today's needs are different for them than when very old where they'll need a lot more help. I think your parents are afraid that in that last part of their lives none of you kids will be around to help them. Maybe also your siblings could make commitments to help Mom & Dad out.

If you make any move to leave home and be independent, you might want to give them this reassurance in a written, loving note, or something like that so they can read it often. This might give them some security and the ability to let you go...knowing you are going to be back as needed. Please do not let them abuse this and impose too much on you. I am guessing that, at first, you may have Mom not speaking to you...but eventually she may come around if you stay independent and don't give in to their pressure.

You should be free to live apart from your parents...please do not feel guilty about this...it's time for you to learn how to be an adult on your own, to have your own life. I hope you do become independent sometime in the near future. Best wishes!!