Sadness, disappointment, too many questions whiteout and answer

[carolina99]

Hello, guys! I am new here, i just join this community willing to find a way to feel better with myself. Is already an year with this feeling and these thoughts that just don t let me be me. some years ago I thought i found the love of my life and It was just beautiful, i never felt this way before, it was the first time when I felt understood and loved and appreciated, everything was too perfect too be real, it was the most strong feeling that I had , I was just absorbed by his presence and everything, I was too amazed that this is real and he is real, I used to thank God everyday when I was looking at him...just too much love and need to protect him, to see him happy ,feelings that I didn t know that I am capable too feel ever in my life for other human being. Everything was so perfect as I always wanted and dream about in the past. He made m feel that all that love energy running through my body is mutual and I don t say that he didn t love me , I just say that I was wrong to bellieve and hope that the love i feel is the same love that other can feel... day by day slowly my universe was just him and I and I loose almost everybody that I used to talk before or feel kind a nice ( I choose these without realizing....this happnd soo slowly.... becaus he was soo everything I need and everytime i was next to him I felt that he is exactly like me like, lik I watch in a mirror, I just didn t need anyone else ) . I was wrong, i lost myself either... I lost the sense of life. By time passing I realized that not everything that was in my mind actually it really exist in the way I see it, i made from this relationship an aim , everything i was dreaming for future was dreamed for a couple, for us, maybe I am just obbsesed and crazy aND i just don t wanna admit... Since an year, the things changed. Because before we were more just me and him, living only with our best friend I was very confident and about this relationship and i never had any reason to have all these fears and I thought that evreything will be like this everytime but the things were in that way because we didn t have a possibility to choose, we were just poor and I thought that he enjoy as much as me this not just because he didn t have something else to do with his life. Now when the situation change and we are not "forced" to stay all the time together in a house, he showed me that the things and everything that h was doing with me and all the things that make him happy are not influncd by me, they just make him happy the things, the drugs,anything, not the things with me the idea doing this with me, just the idea of doing this, I was just an accessory. Since we live in this house with a lot of people I just feel that I don t have air anymore, he pushed me away, he is always angry at me, he belive that I am antisocial and a crazy obbsesive person because I just don t feel good in any prsence, this house is everytime full with people aND FRIENDS of people who came by to have fun here. I am too tired of this life surrounded only by people with no aims no futur plans , only people who want to take drugs and hav fun from the morning to evening, I want to feel lik my home, everyday I feel like I am not home and I want to go but I cant. He not only that doesn t have any prob with that but also he pushd me apart and he let himself be influenced by all of them, I don t recognise him anymore, he is violent, he say everyday he hates me and that I am just wasting his youth. I was thinking about suicide many times and this is wrong...everything is wrong... I am looking for help for on year... please don t judge me

[hypercat54]

Ah yes first love. When the Universe becomes suddenly a wonderful place to live and you float on air in the world. You feel so light and happy and nothing else matters.

This lasts for quite a while then the next stage of the relationship comes in. Either you find a more sustainable love and you stay together, or like you, have found the opposite. You come down to earth with a huge bump which is devastating isn't it?

You find your life goals aren't the same and you want different things out of life. Do you then stay with a partner who wants to go down a different path in life? From what you have said this isn't going to work for you. Unless you want to go down the same route you need to get out of there and fast. He is now showing his true colours and they aren't pretty.

Now is the time to face reality and decide if this is for you or not and think what you want out of your life. Don't make the mistake of thinking he is going to change and you can help him coz you can't. He will do what he wants to regardless of your needs.

The good news is you know you have a huge capacity for love. Treat this as a learning experience and move on is my advice. Oh and no one is going to judge you on here.

[carolina99 in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you for advice I really appreciate it. I know that i need to take a decision but this so hard.... even since an accident that I have at a hair salon. I used to have very long hair almost knee-length and I went to a hair salon to change my colour and the guy from there didn t care at all about the consequences that can be after just putting evrything in someone hair stating that you are a professional and after a almost a week ( when i washed my hair) , all of my hair fall in the bathtub .... all of it like i had a shaving cream.... I was in I was in shock, I had a panic attack..... suddenly I become bold without even thinking about this.... since then I never felt confident with me again.... I was devastatd, i didn t go to work and school anymore, i just hiden myself in my bedroom and crying in the mirror ..... he stayed with me and encourage me, but i never feel that I atract him anymore... i cannot feel myself ... I know its sounds ridiculous because is just hair but trust me.... i felt that all the feminism dissapar from my body , I didn t feel like a real woman anymore... and thats frustrated me a lot

[hypercat54 in reply to carolina99]

Oh no poor you. Our hair is so important to us women isn't it. I know when I had a bad haircut once I ended up in the pub crying my eyes out. This must have been devastating for you and I know I would feel very bad too.

But what's done is done and there are lots of things you can do nowadays like buying a wig for the time being, or wearing a hat. Your femininity doesn't depend on outward appearances of being a woman but what is deep in your heart. Your bf might have been kind to you then like I said he is showing his true colours now.

Do what you can to disguise it until it grows out a bit again and stop hiding and crying as it isn't doing you any good is it. It will grow again so the situation is only temporary. You don't have to be ashamed of yourself at all as it wasn't your fault. People will take their lead from you - if you laugh and say airily I fancied a change, then it will take the wind out of their sails. If you act as though you are embarrassed then some people will take the micky out of you.

Be loud and proud.

[carolina99 in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you , you are very kind

[Chase888 in reply to hypercat54]

Hello againYou reminded me of my ex when they cut his hair too short. First thing he said was "don't you dare laugh".

I love your username but maybe because I love cats.

You give great advice.

[hypercat54]

Thankyou. I love cats with a passion

[Fruitsofspirit]

I went through something of the same. It really broken me down in tiny prices. Still trying to get me all back together. I know the pain u feel. I still can't trust anyone. I keep faith and trust only in the Lord. It's going to be a day by day. It will ease some as time goes. U'll be in my thoughts and praying for you

[carolina99 in reply to Fruitsofspirit]

Thank you! Blessings🙏

[KJnOTT]

I am so glad you reached out. I second hypercat54 - the feeling of new love can we encapsulating, but its not what real sustaining love is. Moving on from our dreams can be really hard, but it is necessary. You need to consider the health of your relationship, and it sounds to me that you know its not the best thing for you. The one thing I have learned over the years is to not settle for relationships that bring me down. That's not God's best for you. You have so much love to give - you need to guard it and keep it for someone that can mutually love you back the way you deserve.

Here is a article that may be of help to you list.ly/list/1CE9-searching...

I hope that you can find the strength to move on and to invest in yourself for a season. You are worth it! Blessings!

[carolina99 in reply to KJnOTT]

Thank you 🙏 Blessings!