How do you accept your toxic parents for who they are?

[dangerous_rose]

I've written on this site throughout the month about my story but I'll give some context because it's pretty confusing and I've had a realization of sorts.

I'm 24. In my culture, children (especially women) don't move out until they're married or if there's no other option for full time work. I'm Caribbean American. I'm personally sick and tired of living in my house. I've been trying to make peace with it, I spent all of 2 years trying to accept my parents for the way they are. I lived with them, despite being old enough to move out, in the hopes that I could save on loan costs by living with them during physical therapy school. PT is an amazing profession, but the return on investment is poorer compared to other degrees, especially considering that it is a doctorate degree now. A lot of PTs over work themselves after school to pay off their debts. To me, that just sounds like more depression even after a stressful program. I already have depression, I don't want it to get worse than it already is.

So I tried. I spent these two years trying to see how I could live with them and study. But it doesn't work, especially not with COVID. I got into PT school and although I got into programs away from my parents, the costs were insanely high or predominantly white (which I've already had enough of in undergrad, it's one of the reasons I was diagnosed with depression)

The one school that seemed to fit the bill of everything I wanted: multicultural, not too far from family, reasonably priced, etc, didn't work for me in the end because the program is too new and they never seemed to get it together to help me take out the loans. they only gave us a week to pay off tuition which made no sense. It lead me to believe that if this part of the program is unorganized, then the clinical education itself is unorganized too. Plus, it took too much to qualify for residency prices so I would have to pay wayy more per semester than I bargained for.

In the end, I had to go with the cheapest school I got into, which is unfortunately the closest school to my parents house. I had decided that maybe if I apply again to a cheaper school that's farther away but still in the same city, I could put up with my parents for one more year.

After proposing the idea to them, they said no and they said they would do what they can to help me without taking out loans just to convince me to start school this year. I caved. But I said I can't live here while taking classes. My parents in their old age (80s and 60s) are getting a divorce and it's made living here insufferable.

So here's whats happening now: I'm trying to move out, but my mom is being resistant and rude. She wants me to stay home even tho I pointed out to her that I can't focus at home. So what did she do? She complained to everyone around me, twisted my words to make it sound like I hate her and I would never want her to come see me again. She did this 3 times, and each time I explained that this was not the case. Only to have her ignore me while I'm speaking.

My father on the other hand, is trying to use this opportunity to make himself look like the superhero. He agreed to pay my tuition for the first year. But the cost of room and board increases the price. So he's forcing my mom to pay for that cost, even tho he knows that she still hasn't received pension checks since he won't sign a document for them.

In the end I realized my parents play this ridiculous game with me and use me as a pawn in their relationship: my mom uses me as a pet , someone for emotional comfort to blindly do whatever she wants and my dad tries to convince me that my mom is a terrible person and he's the only one who's cared about my education (which is twisted bc he doesn't work and has been living off the back of my mom's income for decades)

To play her game, my mom complains out loud in the house to anyone who hears. She tells everyone that it has nothing to do with us, but it's a lie because I've heard her sit quietly with no one around and then start complaining as soon as she hears someone. The complaints are so persistent that eventually the person caves and she gets her way. In my case, she complains within earshot so that I can feel guilty and then I will eventually do what she wants.

My dad's tactic is different: he uses every opportunity he has to help me and get me to side with him. He first starts out with a mini story about how terrible my mom is, about how he's the only one who's cared for me and why he's getting a divorce. When he sees that I don't have a tolerance for choosing sides or listening to divorce issues, he gives me money. He acts indignant until I agree with what he's saying or listen to his stupid tirade. All of this is to get me to feel like my mom is a terrible person and to take his side.

I found out this revelation about their dynamics while talking about moving. But because my mom refused to listen to what I had to say, refused to hear the boundaries I had, I had a panic attack. Each time I talked and it seemed like everything was understood, she would complain out loud again. And when I talked to her I was ignored. When she complained again to my father (without me around) about moving and claiming that I never even wanted or tried to stay home, I was set off. I cried, hyperventilated, tried to calm down but was so angry by what she said that I wanted to kill her.

But I can't do that, I don't want to hurt anyone. So of course, I tried to kill myself. There was no rationale to what I was trying to do but all I knew was that my mom needed to stop talking because I couldn't run away. I had to pack, which means staying inside. And if I walked out, then I would just be met with more of the same tirade once I got back inside. So that's how it almost happened.

Luckily, I only had access to safety scissors nearby (because I know that I've been suicidal before, I took away anything sharp from my room). So when I tried and nothing worked, I ended up screaming at her instead.

I'm a little better now, this all happened two days ago. But my therapist says that I have to learn to accept my parents for the way they are. This is unfortunately how they love me and unless I accept it, I'll always be angry and upset.

So that's why I ask this question: has ANYONE ever accepted their parents for they way they are? Is it even possible to love them despite how disturbing their display of love is?

At this point, this is probably just a thought dump, I didn't expect the story to be so long. But I'm finally moving, it just sucks that the majority of this drama is happening because of the act of me moving. Nothing was this bad before.

I hate that it had to get to this point, the point of me hurting myself, to realize these disgusting dynamics and how damaging it's been for me to live with this for my entire life. All of my mother's actions are new to me because none of this happened when I moved for my undergraduate career. But my sister says that my mom is holding on to me because my mom thinks that taking care of me will help convince my dad to not go through with the divorce.

Does anyone live with a toxic parent dynamic? How was it like when you moved out? Please help!

[Reading_Rando]

I very much relate to the unhealthy dynamic your parents have. I dont know if it's possible to love your parents when they dont seem to care much about you emotionally but I think you can accept them to an extent (maybe that is love, I dont know). I try to appreciate the the things my parents did do for me while accepting that I probably won't ever get the emotional support and consideration I needed from them. I totally gave up on the idea of having them actually act like emotionally supportive parents but try to appreciate that they still gave me a place to live and supported my education. I tried to have better relations with them but it was like running into a concrete wall, and it just kept hurting me more. I dont know if that helps but I hope you find a better situation soon, you dont't deserve the emotional crap you get from your parents.

[dangerous_rose in reply to Reading_Rando]

Thank you sm for responding. It's really comforting to know that there's someone who can relate to this specific dynamic, especially now that I know how to put it into words.

You're so right about the love part of things. I think my parents have never known true love themselves so the love they show me is always going to be fragmented. It's also a cultural difference since I grew up in America and they didn't. So you're right, loving them is just accepting them and nothing more because our ways of communicating love is too different.

I'm actually going to save your reply because it helps a lot, it gives me a good starting point.

And you're definitely right about not needing to repair relationships. Maybe this whole year I've been trying to repair the relationship instead of accepting it and letting it be. Nothing needs to be fixed, I just need to see it for what it is.

You've helped in more ways than you know. Thank you so much! I hope you find peace with this kind of situation as well 🙏🏾

[Reading_Rando in reply to dangerous_rose]

I'm definitely also a fixer type (it's why I'm on health unlocked 😂), so I know how hard it is to let things go. I'm very glad I could help, good luck! 👍