Toxic Parents

I come from a toxic family. No relationship with dad because he was abusive and my mom abd step-dad don't care, are avoidant, are not supportive. I desperately seek a relationship with my mom, because I love her and want some type of parent, even though I am older. Does anybody still try have a relationship with a toxic or abusive parent and if comfortable saying, why? I'm asking, because I want to know if this is typical.

[WiltedFlower]

yes, i still want a relationship with my toxic grandmother (and legal guardian), Idk if my situation can relate to yours, though. So I want to have a relationship with here b/c when i didn't, she resented me and took me into a downward spiral of discontent and hatred for each other and ourselves. I don't want to repeat that again, but it is also b/c regardless of what happened in the past, I still love her very much and I don't want us to have an unhealthy relationship. idk if that helps. But, also, to answer your question i don't think it is abnormal.

[Hidden in reply to WiltedFlower]

I get it. I guess I put it out there, because my husband asked, if my mom is like that, why don't you cut her out of your life.? Good question. However, it's hard with her in my life or out of my life. Both ways make me feel sad.

[WiltedFlower in reply to Hidden]

then what if you have her in your life, but at a certain extent in some middle ground area?

[Hidden in reply to WiltedFlower]

I want to have her in my life. She is older and who knows what time I will have with her. However she keeps me at a distance and my step-dad doesn't help. My depression is so bad that it's also a lot that she doesn't care. I feel as though I'm between a rock and a hard place. For me to be in her life, I have to pretend to be something else and just take what they serve up. For example, my step-dad told my mom that she always takes my side. Recently she fell in front of my house, I pleaded with both of them to go to ER. They both said, no! But my mom went because I urged her, so he was upset because he felt she took my side. I am at a loss on how to handle these mind- f@#$@. I've been dealing with his behavior since I was 9.

[WiltedFlower in reply to Hidden]

I deal with the same, and I hate to say this, but sometimes you just need to restrict yourself around people that think of you that way so you can get by without being screwed over by the ones you love. I know you shouldn't have to, and it's shitty, but of all the things i've tried in my life this seems thee most effective.

[Hidden in reply to WiltedFlower]

I agree. It's something I have to work on accepting. I feel exhausted trying to keep it all together, managing depression and anxiety.

[WiltedFlower in reply to Hidden]

i'm sorry you have to deal with all of that. you shouldn't have to.

[Hidden in reply to WiltedFlower]

Thank you. It really sucks. I feel rejected and angry. Then I think, I'm 48 and married and feel stupid for feeling like I do.

[Hidden in reply to WiltedFlower]

It's hard to find a middle ground when her husband is a jerk. I've ignored it for so long, and., I can't say it enough, he is an 86 year old child. Maybe, because I'm getting older, enough is enough with him. Then I don't want to spend the holidays with him. They're a package deal.

[WiltedFlower in reply to Hidden]

what if you set an arrangement up in a different setting where he isn't invited?

[Hidden in reply to WiltedFlower]

My mom would get upset. They are a package deal. In fact, rather than trying to be a blended family, where there is love and we support each other, he is always right and I am wrong. I wish I could do what you suggested. My mom is so ridiculous that when my therapist met the both of them at a time that I was doing so bad, my therapist was shocked at how terrible they were. They could be a psychiatric study (lol). Seriously, I just have to laugh sometimes or I'd cry.

[Mia898]

Funny enough I have been through the same abusive Father and toxic Parents ... Hear if you want to chat ... The thing is later on in my case if you have children do you let them miss out mine do not want to be Glorfied Grandparents and will not help . Mothers cannot have paid Nannies .. You cannot rent you have to buy property wise. You cannot do this or what that is a nut shell . I had abuse pushing from my Father etc...

[Hidden]

Hi 👋 My parents aren’t that toxic but my mom can be at times. She’s hard to talk to and very stubborn. I have anxiety and so does she but all the times i come to her about it to talk she just raises her voice at me. It sucks. You’re not alone in this ❤️

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for listening. It helps me feel less alone.

[JanuaryRose]

Hello Caringrose,

I'm sorry to hear that you have a toxic family member; I do too. The relationship on my end has been back and forth, on and off again for literally 20 years. Whenever we 'reunite', its good, they are kind and say loving things. But that's how I get trapped every. single. time. I believe the lies, and convince myself that this time things are going to be different. But sure enough, at least 3-4 months in, the old toxic person begins to show themselves, and from thereon, it is an emotional and mentally draining spiral downward. We have gone from months of no contact, to years, and the outcome is always the same.

I have found that setting boundaries is a big help. The thing is is to STICK TO the boundaries that you set up, and don't allow any breaking of them...not even one little bit! Sometimes this works, and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes unfortunately you are forced to cut ties with the person, for your own mental health. Being in a toxic relationship causes a lot of stress, and stress is a huge factor in deteriorating mental health, and can cause physical illness as well. I'm not telling you to cut ties, you have to decide that for yourself. I'm just saying that sometimes people are left with no other resort.

I wish you all the best, and feel free to pm if if you want to talk.

January

[Hidden]

Thank you for your support

It's difficult because I don't have a dad. When he was in my life, he was physically and mentally abusive. When my step-dad starts trouble, she takes his side. I feel abandoned by her and she doesn't care about me. I was in the hospital 2x and she didn't even visit me. So when she's around me, I feel horrible; when she's not around for me, I feel rejected and abandoned, and that makes me very sad. She is 76 and I don't know how much time we'll have. I askedn her why did she have me? She was divorced from my dad and one thing led to another and she got pregnant with me. She hid the pregnancy and my dad said I was a mistake. So I'm all for abortion - I wish they had aborted me. I am a child of trauma and abuse. I've been in severe mental pain my entire life that she ignores. She sucks.