Can't Grieve

It's three in the morning. I woke up today at 8 pm and I have spent at least two hours on two different online support chats. I'm like a broken record, skipping the same groove, hoping someone will pull the needle off and finally toss me in the garbage so I don't have to listen to myself whining about the same thing. Over twenty five years of this pain, it leaves me unable to grieve for anything else. I've lost people who were dear to me and I can't grieve for them because this loneliness gets in the way. I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself to feel sad over the loss of people who actually loved me. People who knew me my whole life and knew at least a tiny bit of my struggle (no one in my family knows the full extent of how much I hate myself, how much I wish I would just die in my sleep) and chose to love me anyway. I can't even repay them with real grief. I'm too busy thinking of how no one will be there for my funeral, that's silly they don't have funerals for people who don't have anyone to attend them.

[Sarah0816]

I know how you feel. I've been on like a roller coaster and I'm getting burned out. It's hard to because no one understands how I feel. We need to try and be strong. It's like I feel I'm in a battle with myself. Just try and love yourself. You are not alone

[Hidden in reply to Sarah0816]

Thank you.

[Kkimm]

Hi I am so sorry to hear just how bad you are feeling. Do you think perhaps the time has been reached when you need to consider medication to help you. I understand your reasons for not wanting to take it but it may be that the side effects for your skin are the lesser option than feeling quite this bad.

Perhaps a doctor's appointment to talk it all over may be needed.

Feel free to message me again if you think it may help. I understand that you probably feel that nothing will help at present. You have very loving parents to turn to also so perhaps seek their support if you have not done so already.

I will be thinking of you and wishing you well.

Kim

[Hidden in reply to Kkimm]

Like I've said before, I cannot say this stuff out loud so I can't tell a doctor. I realize how silly that sounds but it's not going to happen. I'm tired of being like this but I also know that I'm not going to change.

[Hidden]

I know I won't get one.

[Freesoul66]

Alone sad..l I don’t know your whole story but I know there is help for you. But you need to open up and tell your story... you don’t want to suffocate... and w therapy and meds you will feel better. I promise you. One day you will. Pls find yourself a good doc and then therapist. They listen and they have heard it all. Trust me no shame. Let it all out. 🌹🌹🌹🌹

[Hidden in reply to Freesoul66]

Thank you for reading.