I can't do this anymore

[2Scared]

I want to forget all of them, I want to forget everyone that has ever pushed me away. I want them gone from my brain. I want them in a ditch somewhere. I hate how I can't let anyone go no matter how bad they hurt me. I try and try and try to convince myself that I'm better off without these people cause that's what logic says. But the real me wants to cry and scream and cut and die whenever I think about how I'm never good enough for anyone. I try so hard to mend the broken pieces in everyone else...who is gonna help me fix mine? I'm so sick of hearing "well you have to pick them up yourself ". No shit, but why is it so easy for me to help everyone else... to cut myself on everyone else's broken pieces...my pieces get left on the floor to be stepped on and broken into even smaller specs of dust. My pieces are too much of a burden for anyone else to try and pick up any more than a couple. I feel so alone and pathetic. I want to be loved so bad. I want someone to look at me, see all the highs and lows and say "you're everything I could ever want". I can't stop crying, I just want to vanish from the world so I don't have to feel anything anymore. I'm so exhausted living for other people cause I don't see any value in living for myself. I just wanna be gone.

[AlwaysaSurvivor]

I am so sorry you are feeling so hurt and abandoned. I understand how you feel since I feel exactly the same. I have always been supportive, helpful and loving to the people in my life and have always been there when a shoulder was needed. And now that I am needing support, I have no one in my life to turn to. I have also been deliberately hurt by people I thought would never turn on me. It is crippling, and if you let it, it will define you. Sadly, it has been going on most of my life, and people say that perhaps I’m a victim. I don’t think that’s true. I just think that I’ve allowed toxic people into my life and doing so, I have put myself in harms way. It’s not a safe place to be and all I can say is that what you need to do is put yourself first. Love yourself and heal yourself and hold on to the smallest bit of Hope you can find. People can be cruel, no doubt , but I try to believe that there are still good people out there. And coming to this site reinforces that belief. I don’t know, it may not be enough right now, but you have to find something to hold onto. You are worthy of being happy and worthy of being loved. That’s what I’ve told myself for nearly all of my life, especially after being brought up in an abusive environment , and I sense that you are much younger than I am, and I’m still here. Dig deep inside and find that strength. It’s there and please don’t give up. You are cared for.

[2Scared in reply to AlwaysaSurvivor]

I try to say I'm worthy of love and then those I want to love me end up hurting me or throwing me away. I wish I could be cruel and horrible too, i think life would be easier that way. But for some reason I can't bring my self to stop caring. I'm going to try being consistent with my mood stabilizers and hope for the best. Thanks for all kind words, I can't tell you how much they mean to me right now :)❤️

[AlwaysaSurvivor in reply to 2Scared]

You don't have it in you to be cruel and horrible. People with huge hearts are always the ones who get hurt the most, but you can't change who you are. You can only take steps to safeguard your heart, t'soul and sanity. Trust me when I say that I have been down that road too many times and stabbed in the back not only by people I have gone out of my way to help, but also by family. The people who are supposed to love you unconditionally. I learned a long time ago that most people have their own agenda.

I am truly sorry you are in pain right now. I am in the very same place, having recently been betrayed by several people. I am laying low and licking my wounds and likely, I won't trust again so freely. I suppose that's why I choose to remain alone so much of the time. It's not my preference and I never thought I would wind up by myself at 70 years old. I just have to do the best I can with the hand I was dealt and live life to the best of my ability.

You got this my friend! Just keep believing in yourself.💜💜💜

[blackcat64013]

Hi 2Scared,Thank you for such a raw emotional post.

It seems your mind like mine has before, is stuffed with so many negative thoughts and feelings that there is not much room left for summoning your last remaining energy to reach out for help.

I want you to know that you are not alone now. I care and want to hold you with as much love as I can muster. 🫂 💜

One of the tricks our mind plays after spirally down into depression is not thinking as positively or clearly as it should.

When you are ready, in your own time, reach out to the mental health line in the States. The number is 988.

Our forum members are from many countries so we can hold you 24/7 for as long as it takes.

I am taking my turn 🐈‍⬛

[2Scared in reply to blackcat64013]

This made me cry and was probably one of the sweetest things I've heard in a long time. I always feel so alone and that everyone would be better off without me and the pain of missing me would stop after a month. Thanks for sending the virtual hug/hold it felt nice ❤️❤️

[GreyWolf001]

As told previously, love yourself and put yourself first. You do not need to gain other people's acceptance to be worthy. Your worthiness is not derived from them at all. It is all about you in the end. Set some guidelines, be the best you you can be. Live your life the way that is best and makes you happy. Help others. Be kind. Do good. But not by crossing your own shadow. Do this all without losing yourself. Start small. Make your circle smaller so it would be easier to be you.