What to Grieve

I saw an Insta post stating that "It's ok to grieve how is easy it looks for other people". It goes contrary to what I'm always trying to do which is understanding that I don't really know what other people are struggling with unless they tell me. All that glitters is not gold and all that other stuff.

But...

I can't help but feel intense insecurity at how easy it seems for other people to make friends, how they can walk into a venue all alone and leave with a ton of new people in their life. I've seen it over and over again, while I'm stuck in a corner trying to seem unbothered, other people are effortlessly making connections with other people. All my insecurities are right under my head: No one wants to be friends with you because you don't have any friends and they will think you a re creep. What are you going to talk about with them? Your lack of a job or or lack of a dating life....ever? Are these excuses or reasons? Of course I fear rejection, I don't have acceptance outside of my parents (I realize I am very lucky to have them, I know that a lot of people do not have relationships like I do with their parents). Please don't tell me that it gets easier once you start trying to make friends, I've tried doing it online now since 2001 and I have nothing (or no one) to show for it. It doesn't get easier, it gets more and more painful to live like this.

So yes, I'll grieve how easy it looks for other people and I'll grieve for the friendships I'll never have because I'm me.

[PastelPink20]

💕💕💕💕

I agree that we can’t judge a person and what they’ve been through by looking at them. Some people I think I know... I don’t know what their struggles are in detail.

I have felt the same insecurity. Why am I having such a hard time eating in front of these people? How do they have so many friends? How can they just decide what to eat/their career/their future partner so easily?

I can’t...

I’m not...

I won’t...

I used to feel angry and jealous. I think I thought somehow they were blissfully ignorant and measured my problems as worse. I think it’s been better for me to try to not compare or if I do, build myself up.

I could...

Maybe someday...

I am...

I will...

It’s grieving a future you don’t have. It’s being aware of your limitations as walls. There’s a sense of loss in watching other people go by, grow old, make life-lasting friendships, and thrive... while you’re trying to survive. You’ve had to redefine your definition of “success”.

If you have a goal, then I think you struggling towards it is meaningful. Even if your progress seems much slower than other people, even if you need help, even if you cry, even if it hurts more than it should... I think it’s so easy to believe it hasn’t gotten better, it won’t get better, I’m useless, stupid, etc.

I don’t have all the answers. I seriously don’t. I am having a hard time comparing and measuring and depressing over here. Therapy has been a balance of accepting where I am and pushing myself to where I want to be. It’s okay to start out with working towards acceptance from anger or fear or sadness.

Be careful with cognitive distortions like never and always. You have made progress since 2001 even if it’s not progress you wanted. Your perspective can be you have no friends and you might actually have friends and not feel like... or you’re so isolated that you don’t.

Honestly, I just accepted it. If you can find a community to be a part of, one that meets consistently, that’s probably more reliable/comfortable. Idk. Most of my friends I just let drift away because we were just forced to be around each other b/c of circumstances and I don’t know how to maintain them. (Church, School, work(but I can’t work right now either)). I’m not very good at social media either 😂

Friendships can be painful. Also, it’s super awesome you have supportive parents and it’s absolutely normal that you’d want more relationships than that. Homies are priceless.

I hope your grieving process leads to healing.

😊😊

[Hidden in reply to PastelPink20]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I really do not have any friends, I've seen other people make beautiful friendships online but I've never been able to do that.

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

I was never able to make friends until I realised in my 20's I had never learnt the necessary social skills, so I set myself to learn them. I did start to with the help of therapy and have never been friendless since. Make this your goal and treat it like you would a school lesson. You have to study and learn your subject thoroughly. If you don't make the effort to change then things will stay the same.

[jtk1701]

I'm doing a lot of the same type of grieving, have been for a couple of years now and it sucks. My parents are the only people I actually see from day to day, I see my brother and his family once or twice a month usually but pretty much my only real meaningful relationship anymore is with my parents. My friends are all living together out of state from where I am, and they hardly ever bother to even text me anymore. I wish it actually helped to know that you're not alone in this, or that there was some way I could do or say something truly meaningful besides just acknowledging the fact that I'm here struggling in the mud right along with you. But I'm not sure what to do about my life either, so I'm sending virtual hugs and lots of commiserating thoughts your way, and I hope life finds some way of being kinder to you soon 💜💜💜

[Hidden in reply to jtk1701]

Thank you. I really appreciate hearing that I'm not as alone as I feel.