Please help if you can

I'm Sarah. I'm 25. I need help. Just help trying to move forward in life. I can't get to the next step of actually telling someone around me about my suicidal thoughts. I can't get help if I can't tell anyone. And I can't help myself. I have very low energy to make changes even though it's what I want to do but I fight so hard against myself that I'm blocked up nice and tight with no escape. Please help me if you can.

[Hidden]

Hi Sarah,

We're here for you. I promise things will get better, even if it doesn't feel that way now.

Do you have a trusted friend, family member, or counselor you can reach out to and ask for help? There are also phone numbers you call who can get you in contact with a mental health specialist.

It can feel scary at first, it's always a little scary when you begin any kind of journey, but it will get better from here, and you will begin to heal.

[lillyofthevalley37]

Hi Sarah you have made the first step so thats awesome you need to just slowly let go and don't fight with yourself , seems like you have been keeping everything bottled up I think you will feel so much better when you unburden your mental health problems and then fix them , you will be surprised how many people feel just like you despite appreances

[jessicjames]

My dear Sarah, I'm all here to talk to you. I can understand your situation. I don't want to be among those people who would say you to get a therapist's help but trust me it works. I had the same situation a few months ago. I was going extremely crazy and anxious until I got someone to talk to. My therapist has helped me a lot with my anxiety and depression issues. She listened to me when no one else was and has helped me learn different strategies to cope with my anxiety and depression. My therapist shared this ezcareclinic.com/methods-to... with me and I found it really helpful. Please review, I'm sure it can help you too.

[Hidden in reply to jessicjames]

That actually makes a lot of sense. I don't think I know what the root of my anxiety actually is so I'd need to figure that out to get help with it I guess. I just don't have panic attacks often and I don't admit to myself that I feel anxious often. But I probably do more than I know, I just avoid it so hard that I change what I'm thinking about really quickly. I've noticed a few times I could probably count on my hands the times I started feeling tingly in my fingers stemming from something about social interaction and being seen or discovered or understood emotionally or something along those lines. The first times were when I was in college before I had ever taken medication and when I was on Skype with my family around my roommate. The worst of these were when I was with a friend and I felt like she was upset with me and I also got tingly and numb and stiff in my face so I hid under a table. I was on medications during that. It has something to do with embarrassment or feeling vulnerable. The most recent time I noticed is when I was thinking my sister might ask me something that would make her suspicious of me when I was trying to recover myself from a deep depression that I didn't want anyone to know about. I had a brief tingling in my fingers. That was in January. I hadn't felt that tingling in a long time. But it's kind of relieving in a way to feel so out of control that something physical could happen as kind of a proof to me that I'm not just making everything up to myself. Sometimes when I'm by myself and feeling overwhelmed I start to talk nonsense to myself to help me feel better and just act crazy like I would never could never in front of someone else because then they would be scared probably or think I was having a stroke. I'm embarrassed to even write but I think it helps me. I really don't know. During those times I also end up stuttering crazily to myself and sometimes yelling but that scares me when I yell so I don't usually. But I feel like it would help me if I could yell without feeling embarrassed when I'm by myself. But I definitely sound a bit crazy for this. I think part of myself wants to be crazy to find some relief. This usually only ever happens if I'm in the car by myself. But I can't if anyone's driving next to me just in case they would look over at me and recognize me or would recognize me if they ever saw me again and feel uncomfortable around me or approached me around someone else I knew. Maybe my anxiety is of being found out or discovered emotionally or seeing that I've caused someone to be uncomfortable, scared, or extremely awkward. I think it's probably an irrational fear. How could it be rational? I also have a hard time waking people up from sleeping, more than anyone else I know. Maybe it's related somehow. Or maybe it's not. Ok. I'm sorry for writing to you when I'm trying to figure this out on my own. This is much too much to have someone else to read unexpectedly. Oh well I guess. I wouldn't be disappointed if anyone didn't read this. Sometimes I delete messages that I've written that turn out really long because I can't quit typing. But then I don't feel very good afterwards because I feel alone and like what I wrote is disappeared and not real anymore just made up in my head or only for me to know and just more piled up in my hurting soul. So it's probably better to not delete and just deal with whatever consequences even if they are none. It's just scary to post long posts. Oh well. I'll try to do it anyways.

[Espejo1024]

Hi Sarah, You took the right step to reach out into this group for help. I'm so glad yoou did. Can you tell us anything else about you? Are you close to your family members or do you have some close friends to confide in?

Have you ever talked to a counselor for help? What about any kids of anxiety meds? Suicide can never be an option for you! God gave you life and you need to value your life as much as HE does. He loves you more than you can even imagine. We are all here to support you and I'm praying for you right now. Hugs and let us know how you are. I'm gonna send you a private message too. ❤️

[sunandbutterfly]

Hello Sarah,

Welcome and thank you for being so vulnerable about the way that you have been feeling. Know that you are not alone. Have you ever heard of Lacey Sturm? Maybe her story could be of help to you?

I highly encourage you to seek out the help of a counselor if you can. Let me know if you would like any additional resources.

[Hidden in reply to sunandbutterfly]

I'l have to look up Lacey Sturm I guess.

[Hidden]

Hidden Hidden lillyofthevalley37 jessicjames Espejo1024 sunandbutterfly thank you for messaging me back. I didn't realize I could find so much support on here. To answer some of your questions, I do have a great family who are extremely supportive of each other. I just haven't ever opened up to them freely. I've only ever resisted even though I know they are there for me. They have no idea how badly I'm struggling and frequent suicidal thoughts. Sorry I don't want to make this post so long and all about myself, but I don't really know how to do that. I've had counselors in the past but I couldn't ever get myself to actually open up to them. So they all ended with the counselor asking me if i want to continue seeing them or there's not much more they could think of how to help me. I think it was because they tried really hard to get me to open up but I never could. I do want to be able to open up in person but it feels impossible. The first time I tried opening up to someone was a friend of mine in college when I first started struggling with suicidial thoughts. I could text her a few things about what I was thinking. But when she tried to talk to me in person I tried to talk but I couldn't form sentences or even words. I felt like I was wasting her time because people can only wait for you to talk for so long. So I tried seeing counselors over the years to not waste my friends time or burden them because I did a lot of that to a few friends of mine and then I'd feel guilty when I caused them stress or extreme worry. And these were good friends that I trusted and would still trust. But I just couldn't continue to not be okay around them and take but never give. So I've distanced myself from most people. I tried a handful of different medications starting on them for a few months each and some over a year to try and get them to work but none of them were right. But I was probably too picky about how I wanted to feel and who I wanted to be. I still had suicidal thoughts on every one of the antidepressants even up to the highest doses they put me on. And I always got myself off them because I'd start to think after being on them for a while that I didn't need them because I couldn't tell a difference and they also made me feel not like myself. I haven't been on medications for two or three years now. I told my doctor a couple weeks ago on my annual check up that I was fine. I didn't try to be convincing about it because I already knew they'd just take my word for it no matter how I act or fake smile so I tried to not act ok but I mostly acted ok to keep myself calm. I knew I should've said something about starting a medication just for a hope that maybe it could help me but I just thought nah it won't. I'm just really dying inside. It hurts and I can't release it but I feel like maybe something still can help. But I just don't know what. I'm just grateful you all messaged me back so I feel like there's hope. I'm sorry for not being ok and being so difficult to help. And I'm sorry for how long this message is and trying to get attention for myself.

[Espejo1024 in reply to Hidden]

Let us know how you are doing now, please.

[crowningglory19]

Get help, call a counselor, you are worth saving, you are worth working on yourself and moving forward, and learning to enjoy life again. Also, take a good multi vitamin, it will give you the energy you need and focus, especially B complex vitamins. magnesium is great to calm your spirit at night so you can sleep well and get rid of anxiety. The first steps of healing are feeling like doing the work, so you need to take care of your physical needs first. Also, walk while working thru things, it helps us emotionally and mentally as we put the problems behind us in our walk. Hang in there, things will get better. <3

[Hidden in reply to crowningglory19]

Thank you crowningglory19

[Hidden]

suicide is a cry for help and pain ....no one judges here.....u will never find more accepting people that here....they are sending 10 bilion group hugs here....no one judges