Anxiety kicking in. Hoping this does not sound like I am whining. Just needed to get it out

[-hey-]

Hey I am new here. So I don't quite know where to begin. My anxiety issues began around 2017, reasons being numerous. Low self worth, health issues, body insecurities, failing grades, failing in academics(the only thing I was good at), failing at keeping my friends... Now it's 2021, but that feeling of anxiety, low self worth hasn't yet left. Somedays I choose to believe that I am fine. But there are days when I talk to myself as "she did this..., she was like this"...idk...it's like I pity my own condition...my own degrading mental health situation. Somedays, I don't know why, I imagine would people who don't care now, care more if I self harm...i know...this sounds wrong...but these thoughts constantly go on in my mind all day. Things worsened since November 2020. Idk. I sometimes wish to lash out you know, say it all to someone who'll understand, but then when I try...they either ignore or don't quite say something that I wish to hear...i might not be making sense here...but this is what I have been feeling...exhausted emotionally as if my chest is heavy...as if I might almost cry, but I am not...I am constantly scared that if I show this side of mine, the sad side, people will leave...someone had in 2017...its as if my self worth now is so low, that I allow them to leave me hurt, not saying anything...I don't want to be alone. I don't wish to be left behind, especially by the ones I love, even if they don't love me the same way. I am not quite good at writing stuff like this...i just wanted too...idk if I will ever be able to cope with more harsh realities of the world, with me being this weak. Idk.

[Hidden]

From what you've said, I get the feeling that you are trying so hard to be what you think other people want you to be that you aren't being yourself. Perhaps you're afraid people won't like the real you. And some probably won't. But some will -- and those are the people you want to be around. It has been my experience that the more you live your life as your genuine self, the more people feel comfortable with you -- and the more you feel comfortable with yourself. You'd think that just being yourself would be the easiest thing in the world, but it can also be the hardest if you're not used to doing it. Baby steps.

[-hey- in reply to Hidden]

Thanks You are right, all these years, while trying to fit in, impress others so that I face no issues, my insecurity levels have risen more. I'll try

[TyrSwimmer_Sac]

It sounds like you Feel more intensely than average person does. Much of the negativity all around us everyday plus the added negative inner voice you hear from inside is just building and building. Depression will do that to the best persons in the world, but from those of us with heavy depression it's even worse.

I'm glad you're here to vent out the pain you are feeling. I want you to know it will pass. You will have a good day and bad ones. Still you can do something to clear your head of all negative emotions to good ones. It's important you believe that and hope you take the time to stop and look to something good, anything really. Something in your past that made you feel so good and hopeful. Not a person, but rather a place such as a garden or beach, a thing such as scent of a flower, a taste such as a sweet cherry or chocolate. These little things to appreciate are really things that treat you to the better side of life. Which is really what I hope you will do. Treat yourself. You have a soul that feels deeper about things with empathy for so much. I hope you can look to turning that to some other direction other even if it's for a short time to break the cycle you are going through. I know it's tough, but there are ways. That having been said. Talking like you are here is one such way. You are welcome to come here to talk to anyone and I am here too. Just saying.

[-hey- in reply to TyrSwimmer_Sac]

Thanks Will certainly try using this advice. I definitely need to enforce some healthy mindful habits in my life to clear all this built up negativity

[TyrSwimmer_Sac in reply to -hey-]

I hope you find peace and tranquility. I know it's tough when your mind goes a muck. Still it's empowering when you can take back some if not all your control of emotions unloosed. I went through it for years with my ex.