Doing the exact same thing over and over again and expecting things to change, isn't that the definition of insanity? Well that's what's been going on for years now. I wake up, take my meds, try to study, fail, feel bad about it, try things that people have told me, fail again, play the stupid game I'm addicted to until 3 am, sleep and repeat. That's my entire life. Every once in a while something happens that makes me want to die more than usual. That's it. I've tried everything at this point. It's naive to think anything will work and it's by definition insanity to think anything will change at this rate.
I feel like I'm going insane. - Anxiety and Depre...
I feel like I'm going insane.
59 Replies
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That's just not true though. Who cares about me? Family? My parents are sick of me and I don't have any other family. Friends? I have none. No one would care if I'm gone.
I'm a random guy online who hasn't been on here for 2 weeks even. People will move on.
notjackiechan• in reply to
I care! I'm currently in the same cycle myself. One thing that's been helping me tremendously is exercise and the book "Feeling Good" by David Burns.
• in reply tonotjackiechan
Like I said below though, exercise and self help books just tend to make me angry. You'll move on.
Obviously you are stuck in a cycle, using the same old same old to try and break the roundabout.Lets look at this a different way.Is it possible to stop one symptom?is it possible to try something new?The answer has to be yes.
I lived exactly like you described, the pattern was the same.
I would wake up tired, i would realise i am still feeling like crap, i would tense up to push myself through another day, eventually i just stop trying.I stayed in bed for a whole month.
Nothing changed until i decided to redress my exercise, rest, and replenish routines.I stopped feeding my anxiety with more anxiety when i picked up a book called "Self Help for your nerves" by Dr Claire Weekes.
That book changed my mindset enough to break the cycle of anxiety, and allow the dark cloud of depression to lift.Once you start to feel hope, your brain chemistry changes.The brain is quite happy to do nothing to fix anything...you have to jumpstart it.
How? simple exercise routines, walking, punch bagging, lifting weights, anything to use up those circulating hormones that make you over tense, over aware that somethings not right.
Your body has all the things it needs to put things right, your brain doesnt know the difference between real and imagined.Think of how you feel when you wake up from a bad dream, heart racing, sweating, breathing hard...the brain only starts to realise it was just a dream once you tell it so.
This mechanism is a huge key to unlocking why you feel unwell when all the tests show you are okay.
Yes we often fail more when we try more, but that does not make us failures.
Stay strong, learn to relax properly, learn to breath properly.Feed yourself the right nutrients, walk, exercise, relax.It does pay off in this stressful world we all live in.
There is a guy called wim hof on youtube, he explains the limbic brain and why people get caught in the stress/fear/failure cycle.It challenges your breathing cycle and makes you step out of the comfort zone, exactly how we were designed to survive right from the get go... Worth looking into.
Sorry for the ramble...your story was my story 40 years ago....now i have my life back...you can too.
• in reply to
I've already tried that though, multiple times. Exercise tends to just make me more angry in general and self help books also do the same thing for some reason. It just doesn't work for me, nothing does.
• in reply to
So what is actually happening?Are you swamped with symptoms or are you just out of motivation?Are you more depressed than anxious.You need to ask yourself what you actually feel.Then ask yourself how YOU can change it.Some medications can cause you to remain stuck in a cycle of apathy and dispair...but these are just feelings.If you could banish those feelings, would you start to see a change?Wish i could give a one line answer, you already know what has happened and only you can make the changes necessary, there is no magic pill.
I hope you find an answer , i hope you start to feel better soon.
Tony042• in reply to
i don't know exactly what you mean by exercise making you angry but for me its a way to relieve anger and stuff I got bottled up. I know turning mental pain into physical pain doesn't sound like a good idea but for working out I think it can be a good thing. Plus no matter what, if you can start doing it somewhat consistently you'll feel better about yourself once you start seeing results. Its really rough at first but if you can get yourself to do it for long enough it becomes habit and you'll be more inclined to continue. I just know it helps me a lot so I'm sure it could help you at least a little.
• in reply toTony042
It makes me hungry because of how bad I am at it and how I never meet expectations. It doesn't help that I have asthma too.
First of Roko, I still got it, I was able to do it, thx.... Anyways what u are talking about above is something most of us are still trying to deal with. We learn to live one day at a time and do what is ryt in our definition. I hope u do not do anything worrying though...
• in reply to
No problem, glad I could help. What's the point in living one day at a time though if you know it'll never change?
• in reply to
This is where we practice positive thoughts. Does it mean we have to be indenial and delusioned? Not at all but we have to try discipline ourselves so that we can keep pushing on... U know
• in reply to
Positive thoughts in my situation are delusions to be honest.
• in reply to
I'm just scared the day u give up is the day u won't try anymore
• in reply to
To be honest I already gave up. This is just desperation at this point.
• in reply to
Can u ask u, why do u fail? I know u not dom
• in reply to
I fail because I'm not good enough, I'm not strong enough and I have no real reason to even try.
• in reply to
Mmm, for a fact I know dt is not true. Ur style of writing does not at all depict a dom person. I am not that clever but I can tell by what I read if someone is dom. My friend, I think this is depression talking. When I talk like that I don't mean it, I say such staff about myself to make me feel bad and have a gud reason to commit suicide. Blv me, u are not dom and u know it, when u are calm u will c it again. Don't forget u are speaking to people who r dealing with depression and it a bad plc to b... As long as u don't do something stupid while feeling like this, I'm cool
• in reply to
But I'm always feeling like this, it never got better and I highly doubt it ever will.
• in reply to
It will. The place u are in ryt now is very dark. This is why I love this forum. You know there is nix I hate more than speaking to people who have no idea what I am talking about and say, "we understand how u feel", when they don't even know. But here Roko, u are dealing with people who know exactly how u feel. Can I tell u something? The day I joined this commity I had learnt to make a homemade poison bcz I did not c the point of it. I never told anyone, I just went to the net and searched if it was going to be painless but I came across people like u and I was thinking that this people know exactly how I feel. If I tell them how I feel, they won't tell me how much they understand... They really do get what I am talking about and that on its own was enough comfort... I look back and I am proud that even though things have not changed, I am not the only one who is going through problems. It gives me hope... This is why I feel that it is depression speaking bcz I know it's words since I had it. I use the word had because I am surviving it now. Im not delusional or indenial but I keep pushing and pushing and each day I c life better.... I don't get money or solutions but knowing that there are those who know whe i am, comforts me... Plz, use us as we use others to stay afloat. I use u to get healed and I expect u to use me to get healed...
• in reply to
But as always, it comes down to why? Why should I push in the first place? I pushed countless times and failed every time, it's pointless.
I’m afraid that believing nothing will change is a self fulfilling prophecy. If you are willing to make changes in your life, change will happen and things will improve. Your feeling sounds like depression talking. Depression says, “things have always been this way... will always be this way... nothing will ever change.” Don’t believe it! Depression is a liar!
• in reply to
It's got proof though. I tried, failed, tried, failed, tried, failed, tried, failed. At this point, it's naive to think trying will actually change anything.
• in reply to
It’s impossible to prove a negative. This is a fact!
• in reply to
If I try and jump to the top of a building, it's not gonna happen is it? I can prove that by saying that the human body is not capable of jumping such a distance without even trying. In this situation, I was naive enough to try countless times even though It is impossible to change my situation. That is a fact. I can't just change my culture can I?
• in reply to
Roko I did not c that u are sixteen... Now that I know, don't do anything stupid, do u know why? U are speaking to people are are two, three times ur age. Believe me, u are way too young...Nonono,i refuse to let u do anything to urself. I hardly check a profile of a person but Nonono, don't and I repeat don't do anything stupid
• in reply to
I won't right now but it's inevitable at this rate. I can't promise that I'd never do it. Age doesn't matter. I'll still be depressed when I'm 40 because again, nothing is going to change. I have no control over my circumstances so they won't change even of I tried.
• in reply to
U see I have made sure I follow u. I need to make sure that u are fine. I am making it my business... I can not let a 16 yr old talk like this. At ur age I did face challenges which I won't bother u with but I was living a life. If it means change the group of people u see daily, then do it bcz they are not adding to ur growth. U know what, do me a favor. Try one last time this year and if it does not work, we will try something else. Just bcz we do not know u physically does not mean that we do not care. Do u know how it feels for someone in their late thirties to hear a 16 year old speak like this? It kills me big tym.
• in reply to
I can't really change my family or classmates can I? I can't try anymore, I don't have it in me.
• in reply to
U c Roko, I am happy that many people can see our conversation and I know they are seeing what I am seeing in u, they will help u also in ways that I can not bcz there are people here who are in better position to help u than I. Ur depression is severe. What have ur parents done to lessen your emotional burden? Are they even aware that it has gotten into this? Have u seen a therapist?
• in reply to
They tried their best but they're sick of me at this point and I don't blame them. I have seen multiple therapists, none were able to help.
• in reply to
Mmm Roko, i have never dealt with someone with severe depression, if I didn't know better I would say u are pranking us, this kind is fresh to me. But bcz I know people who know this site really do need help, so I believe u. My hope now is that people who have seen ur messages have seen how much help u need and bcz u are also 16,they know how fregile ur mind is, they will do a follow up on u just like I will. Now, it is time to sleep in my country in fact u kept me up and I am happy u did, so I will check u up tomorrow..... Better make sure u don't do anything I wouldn't do. Gud9t
• in reply to
Goodnight and take care.
Hi Roko what medication are you on ?
• in reply tolillyofthevalley37
I tried a lot but right now I'm on indral, brintallix, quetiazic and tudasidone.
lillyofthevalley37• in reply to
that's a lot of meds for a 16 year old I will just have to go and check them out
• in reply tolillyofthevalley37
I actually used to take a lot more with a previous psychiatrist.
Can I ask where you're from?
• in reply to
Morocco.
• in reply to
I'm going to be really frank with you, okay? I think you've been on this forum under the alias "Square". I cannot ignore the coincidences in your stories (which are pretty much exactly the same).All these people trying to help you now are wasting their precious time. We spent close to a year with Square and he kept pushing back to the very end. I cared about the guy, but he exhausted us. I fear the people helping you now will get the same treatment and therefore the same feeling of exhaustion.
I am very sorry, but I cannot ignore this.
The trick is that you need to put effort into yourself. Square never did this and left it all to us; you are doing the same thing.
• in reply to
I mean my story is pretty generic and simple so I could see why I could get mixed up with someone else. A guy in hopeless circumstances giving up. I agree with you on one thing though, I am wasting people's time. That's all I am, useless waste with no hope for a better tomorrow. I waste everyone's time and effort. Even my parents got sick of me, how can I expect total strangers to not do the same. Once again, I was naive. Naive to think there could be hope found here, Naive to think there is actually hope in the first place. I apologize. Sometimes I wish I wasn't as intelligent as I am, maybe then I wouldn't have cared about the future. I would've just had a simple life without caring but nope, I had to think about the future. Ignorance is bless as they say. Sorry for typing too much, think of it as a farewell. I'm not going to waste people's time anymore.
• in reply to
I always have cared for you and wanted to help. You are NOT a waste. You tell yourself you are. That is a lie. Your thought are lying to you. Please get help. I can't say anymore.
• in reply to
Hi Minnimouse, it nice to see that u are also pleading with Roko. I have no idea what to do. Yesterday we spent the whole day talking but I can't seem to get thru. I luv this kid but I have never came across a kid who is suffering this much. How do we help him? This seems to be beyond our expertise... I really am hurt by how he is feeling
• in reply to
Hi there🙋♀️Something you said to him (was about pranking us) spurred me to send you a pm, so I tried sending you a pm. You didn't receive it unfortunately because my messaging system is all screwed up.
Roko has been on here before under a different alias.
I please ask you not to waste your energy. We spent the better portion of a year (me and many others) giving him advice after advice to no avail. He is about 19 and from Egypt. He is very bright, but his negativity is off the charts. While we all care about him, he has exhausted us.
Please know this and feel okay with not knowing what to do because nobody else does either.
Please see my comment to him above that includes his old alias "Square".
It's okay, hon😊
• in reply to
I saw ur response to him. This is amazingly intense, I have never dealt with such. Can I ask u one favor though? I know u'v asked me not bcz u think this is a scam, can I sasify my conscience by talking to him until I'm out of petrol? I think for now I still do have a bit but I will have to stop at some point bcz I have realized that he is like a brick wall...
• in reply to
Oh, I don't think it's a scam at all. He is a real person and he needs help. Yes, you can try. Just letting you know what you're up against.
One more thing before you go for it: the last thing he said to us before his account was deleted was to admit why he was always so negative. He said something to the effect of wanting his helplessness and hopelessness confirmed. He was also suicidal.
I care about him a whole lot just like you do, but please be aware.
We needed to make certain before I wanted to tell you.
• in reply to
Thank u so much. U see Miniemouse, I believe u very well, I just don't want for u to say I told u so bcz I believe the same pattern is about to happen here. This guy is something else I'm telling u. It just that my conscience right now and my stubbornness is killing me. If there is one thing I want u to know is that i think you are absolutely right in what u are saying here... Let me finish my petrol as well...
• in reply to
Anytime😊
Oh, and I would never say I told you so.🙃
• in reply to
Sure case...
• in reply to
How are u my friend today? I promised u I will check on you today but I decided I will not in the morning bcz I wanted to give u space. How are u doing today?
• in reply to
My birthday is tomorrow but I don't care really, wrote a post about it.
• in reply to
Wow, for a 16 year old that is a pretty gud deal. So what is that thing that u wish u can do? Don't tell me what u will do bcz I know the answer to that..
Roko, I want to let you know I’m here listening and I’m sorry things are such a painful struggle for you.
I wonder if meditation would help. Have you tried it much?
• in reply toStarrlight
Hey Starlight, I luv this kid 2 much and I want to help, I just don't have the resources and the ability to help him bcz this type of depression is kinds fresh to me. I really wish there is something we can do for him but my breath is just not enough, when I speak to him as well I get a brick wall. Is there a way to get the online therapist to deal with him? This is above our level of expertise. I luv him and have sympathy for him but other than that I really don't know.. He seems to truly need help...
I mean it’s if we know where you live Roko, we could try to find places to call for help.
I’ve been thinking about Roko all morning. I want to help but not sure what needs to be done.
• in reply toStarrlight
It's okay, Starrlight. Roko is known to us. It didn't take long to put two and two together.Please focus on yourself, okay? No one has been able to help this young man.
Admin needs to get involved here ASAP. I hate that people are so worried about him when those who know him know that nothing can be done. He will not help himself.
Please, Starrlight. You'll exhaust yourself (not a criticism).😊
• in reply to
"I always have cared for you and wanted to help". That's what you said and yet, what you're saying here begs the differ. I'm not going to argue, I'll just leave since I'm not wanted here.
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