Hi. I live with my mom, dad and two siblings and I've felt depressed since six years ago. I never talked about it because I was afraid of not being taken seriously or nothing changing when I speak up. December, Last year, I spoke up and it seemed like they understood and things were going to change but like two days after, my dad started telling me about how everyone is depressed, how there's nothing wrong with me and how he loves me and will never do anything to hurt me because I'm his daughter. My family is the reason I'm depressed and I feel like I hate them even though they clothe me, feed me, provide shelter and pay my school fees.
Is it wrong for me to feel depressed? No matter how much they say they care, I don't think I can love them. Am I supposed to feel guilty for hating them?
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LoveAnonymous
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I can understand where you are coming from. Maybe there are dynamics in the family that are causing you to suffer such as fighting, lack of boundaries, etc. In that sense, maybe you don't hate your family but the ways in which they interact with each other. Maybe it would be helpful to pursue family therapy or get a psych evaluation. This may not be in your budget and if so, then I understand. My thought is your family is informed about your condition by someone else that maybe they'll see the seriousness of it.
Have you considered speaking to a therapist about how you feel? Sometimes dealing with family that is not able or willing to listen or understand is a difficult thing to deal with. Most of that has to do with a lack of information about what you are going through. My parents used to be the same way until I stood up and explained to them what was happening to me. Allow them to ask you questions maybe that will serve to have an open line of communication. Don't feel bad for feeling the way you do, accept the feelings and try to find a solution that will help you.
I'm the first child so they've always blamed me for whatever my siblings do. Been very partial in their judgement whenever my siblings and I argued. Made me sacrifice a lot because I'm the first. Shut me down whenever I tried to disagree with how they were raising me.I just grew up feeing extremely neglected and unloved and it's hard to let go of it.
It's definitely a valid feeling to feel sad and depressed when one is continually disappointed. Disappointments arise when our expectations are not met. It is reasonable to expect your parents to love you as much as your siblings. It is not fair for parents to expect the first born, eldest child to be a surrogate parent. All children need guidance, and if your parents aren't guiding you properly and unfairly expecting you to act as a little adult, you are missing something. However, this occurs in a large part of the population, so you are not alone in being a first born child saddled with the expectation to act more mature, on the level of an adult. Parents from many cultures do this to their first born child. Your feelings of neglect are valid. Breathe and know that you are not wrong to feel slighted. But also consider that parents in your family and in other families are just kids who grew the capacity to create children, it doesn't mean that they are enlightened minds. You can pursue knowledge to cope with the circumstances you have been dealt, and be happy and hopeful about how you are going to change the way you want to live your life. If you cannot afford counseling, I have some suggestions for you. There are 1-800 numbers for counseling, a simple web search can help you find a number to call and try it out. You might have to call a few places before you find a service that has a person who you like. And don't be discouraged. When seeking anything, whether it's lost keys, misplaced glasses or services and the right person to solve a problem at a company, it takes a few tries and looking in a few dead ends before you find what you're seeking. That's normal. Smile and feel hopeful. You can grow past this disappointment when you realize that your parents are limited and you cannot change them, but you can choose your friends, and you can choose your therapist, and you can choose activities that help you to feel happy and hopeful. You can do it! Depression can be a phase, or it can be a chronic condition, it's all in your hands to choose.
... and you can learn how to communicate in a way that is healthy for you. You can learn to set boundaries and learn when it is unproductive to discuss or debate something that your family members (siblings especially) have done or said. Evaluate the source of your most frequent conflicts with your siblings. Is it because of them taking something of yours without asking? Or is it regular disrespect and inconsiderate actions like not sharing food or other other things in the home available to everyone...? Evaluate whether it is worth trying to educate them about how they hurt your feelings by breaching your boundaries and touching your stuff/food/etc. If they cannot be taught to stop. You can choose to stop engaging them. Just don't comment and don't say anything. Just try it and see if changing the way you react ends up changing they way they react.
For example, if someone takes your jacket and uses it without asking, you can simply ask for it back calmly. Or ask your parent to intercede to retrieve your jacket for you. But give them some time to handle it and then don't say anything to the sibling. Just tell your parent thank you when they retrieve the jacket. And you can write in a notebook about how upset it made you, instead of arguing and talking to the sibling. You have discovered that arguing is unproductive (i assume?) so stop. If you change this and notice that things are better, then you have a new way of living and you can work on changing other things too. You have the power to alter the way you solve problems.
Hi and glad you are here to get some perspective, support or encouragement on what you are feeling and dealing with. That is exactly what these communities are so good for! But it is always tricky to give advice to others because there are generally so many factors in every situation that would determine whether the advice given is helpful. But a few thoughts come to my mind related to the info you have shared in your posts on this thread so I will share them and hopefully something will be useful for you!First, it is tricky to use the word depression because that can mean so many different things. It doesn't sound like you have received a medical diagnosis of depression and are under a doctor's care at this time. But you make reference to a 6 year time frame so what is it that has been noticeable to you in your mental and/or physical health during these 6 years?
The other thing that came to my mind in reading your comments about your family relationships and interactions is the concept of love languages. Are you familiar with this? This will help you understand why you don't feel loved by them or feel love for them:
Most parents love their children. However, many children don’t feel loved. One possible reason is that parents aren’t “speaking” their child’s primary love language. Love can be expressed and received in five distinct ways or “languages,” which include words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts or physical touch. If parents don’t speak the right language, a child likely won’t feel loved, even though the
parents may speak the other love languages.
Physical touch
- Some children need to be physically shown love through hugging, holding their hand or even squeezing their arm gently to show you care.
Acts of service
- This form of showing children that they are loved comes from doing small things for them. Perhaps doing their chores or helping with a difficult task speaks their love language.
Quality time
- Some children feel loved when they are given a parent’s undivided attention. They want to talk and be heard in one-on-one time, whether on a walk, sitting on the couch or going somewhere.
Gifts
- All children love gifts, but some feel especially loved when they are given gifts that show how someone thought about them. The value of the gift increases with the amount of thought that went
into it.
Words of affirmation
- Some children feel loved when a parent affirms them or builds them up with words.
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Smile and feel hopeful. You can grow past this disappointment when you realize that your parents are limited and you cannot change them, but you can choose your friends, and you can choose your therapist, and you can choose activities that help you to feel happy and hopeful. You can do it! Depression can be a phase, or it can be a chronic condition, it's all in your hands to choose.
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