I have been talking to this guy since sometime in October and everything was going good till I started to notice that he has been distant with me like he only messages me when he feels like it or when we message he doesn't reply back right away all this started Saturday, Him and I supposed to meet up but he ended up working late so I said how about tonight he said okay then he told me that night that he was thinking about going to a party that I told him he should go and he said can we hangout the next day and I said that's fine, will we never hung out because he was hungover and barely talked to him at all that day and so I assumed he was too sick or busy but then yesterday I was feed up with it and told him that I feel like he's being distant with me and he told me he wasn't trying to and that he was sorry but everything is different now like he used to message me every single day, through out the day and now its late in the afternoon like I have feelings for this guy but im at the point where I don't want anything to do with him because of how he is acting like I don't know what to do because I told him how I feel like hes being distanst with me and he told me he wasn't trying to but hes not trying anymore and its like wtf!!! I don't even know what to say to him and I'm going to start distancing him as he does to me to just see how it feels because this isn't him like I don't know what to do what should I do?
I need advice: I have been talking to... - Anxiety and Depre...
I need advice
If someone isn’t making time to be with you. If they only make excuses to not see you. Sucks but it’s a great indicator to move on. Good luck and hope you find someone who wants to spend time with you.
Thank you for your advice.
So there are two things I would like to say. The first is that if you both made plans together and then he changed them that is a pretty big red flag right there. Also, as you mentioned, if he only messages you when he wants to talk that is a pretty big red flag too. So I would say that if he isn't making time for you then he is probably using you for whatever reason. I would just back off this for a while. I mean I don't know the man personally so I cannot say if he is good or bad so that will need to be up to your discretion. However, if you need it for yourself distance is good. And could potentially smooth things over. You did say you were talking every day. For some, this can get exhausting emotionally. It's not a dig at you, this is just how some people are. Again, I don't know the man so I cannot say for certain. But this could be the case.
The second thing I wanted to mention is to not let things like not texting back right away get to you. Some people see conversations like that differently and it's not always preferred to respond right away. I do think that an explanation would be nice, such as "sorry I was on the phone" or "I had some things to do but I am free now". Like that is just courteous in my eyes. But expecting that someone should always text you back right away is not good either. I don't know if this is the case with you as well but I wanted to point it out as needing someone to text back right away is a sign of codependency and insecurity on the individuals part. Again, this isn't to say that if someone ignores you for days and responds only when they feel like it isn't being rude. They are being exceptionally rude at that point and you are more than valid in being upset by that. I just wanted to point it out because sometimes we have unrealistic expectations and that can cause a lot of problems without having any knowledge of it ourselves.
With all that being said. I would put some distance between you too. Not like you have to be cold or shut yourself off but just see how you feel doing that. And see how he responds. If he continues the same behavior then you should probably look for someone else. If you both can talk and figure things out then that is great too.
like I don't care if he doesn't respond to me right away that's the least of my issues, I'm just saying it went from him messaging every day and almost responding right away to not even trying anymore like I get he gets busy and he does work and he would tell me that he's sorry for not responding or he would say sorry but today I haven't heard from him at all and I hope he doesn't message me because I feel like I am wasting my time and I thought he was different but I am wrong, I think he just used me to make himself happy for a little while I don't know but I hate being played.
So you said he does usually let you know or say sorry if he hasn't gotten back to you. And you mentioned today that you have not heard from him. Has it only been today or is this a really common thing? Next what do you mean by he isn't trying anymore? What did trying look like before? I am sorry if these questions seem rude I am just trying to get a better understanding of both sides.
Yes, he does say he's sorry and all that but I don't feel like he's being truthful to me at all there has to be something going on and I just don't know what to do at all. Today has been the only day I haven't heard from him at all. What I mean by he's not trying anymore is he normally asks what I am doing and makes conversation and he doesn't do that anymore, this been doing on since Saturday I don't know what happened or he barely messages me anymore since Saturday like I don't know, what happened cuz I told him yesterday that I feel like he's being distant and he said he wasn't trying to that he is sorry then I didn't hear from him again so it's like I don't know. Like before Saturday he would message me and keep a conversation with me, he would be very sweet he would ask to hang out all that stuff and now it's nothing.
Hmmm if I am understanding you correctly, and I apologize if I am not. This is a recent phenomena that is happening. I would say that you may be jumping the gun a bit here. There are many reasons he could have backed off. Since this is the first real time it's happened I would say that it could be many different things. My question to you is does he have to be constantly checking in with you asking you how you are and making conversation? That seems like an unreasonable demand for anyone. Not that they shouldn't put in effort but that it be done all the time. I want to reiterate that I don't know either of you so I am doing my best to advise based off of the information I have read. So again, I don't know this man or his intentions. But it sounds to me like if he just suddenly stopped it was because something happened and he needs to deal with his own personal life for a while or he is overwhelmed and just needs a break. That is just my thought though. It's to early to say he isn't trying because if I read correctly you said it's been since Saturday and that would mean it's been going on for 3 days maximum. Which isn't actually enough time to say one way or the other. I would say take some time for yourself here. And come back in at a later date. Remember that you both just started talking, per your own words since say mid October or so. I think you are holding onto this way to strongly and that things need to slow down on your end. Relationships are complex and take a lot of time to develop. Our expectation can and often do screw us over because of small things like this. What you see as he isn't trying anymore could just as easily be him just needing to recharge a bit. Again, take some time for yourself and see how things progress. If he continues to not make conversation and only talk to you when he feels like it then you will have your answer but until than it's to early to decide and say he just isn't trying. That isn't fair to him and it's a little unreasonable. Sorry if this sounds rude it's just my opinion.
I just think that if he needed a break or something is going on that he should just tell me because I rather have a guy tell me the truth than play games with me, I'm not saying he needs to message me every day that's up to him but the fact that he's acting weird and the messages are slowly dying it just makes me think of things. Again I rather have him be honest with me then to just not try. Yes we just started talking in mid-October but honestly thought he was different and I get it maybe it's too early to know but when you're used to having someone messaging you every day and making an effort to not making an effort or trying it makes you think a lot. There is a lot of reasons for him to be not messaging me like maybe he's stressed with work and all that totally fine but to push me away or to stop interacting with me because you're stressed or your having a hard time is to me not very nice, I rather have a guy man up and say hey just wanted to let you know I am having a hard time with work if I am acting distant or anything just letting you know, I rather know then to be pushed away because the person isn't happy, I am not here to waste my time on a guy who isn't going to be open to me about whats going on or isn't going to try again everybody as bad days and stressful days understandable but to push someone way because you don't know either to keep talking to that person or to not care is not okay, that is why when people are in a relationship or friendship we should be able to be open, if he and I ever get together I would want him to tell me whats going on and he used to tell me. If he needs a break or steps away just tell me I won't get mad but I rather he be honest with me than to think it's okay to "Push me away or Disappear on me" thinking its okay for him or anyone to come back when they feel like it even though they didn't explain to me why they stopped in the first place. I get it it's something small but I don't think this is something small this is life, if we ever want relationships we have to think big and think about the things that are going on vs. not being careful or thinking small. Maybe I am overreacting or so but anybody else who is in a relationship or meet someone is going to have the same doubts either it's a few days or a few months or anything.
You are 100% correct. Honesty is needed and so is open communication. There needs to be a safe place. However, you all just started talking. You honestly have no idea who this man is. And I know this will sound harsh but it needs to be said. He doesn't owe you an explanation right now. If you all just met and he needs a break, then he in no way shape or form owes you anything. Now you are right that if he ghosts you or just dips in and out of your life that he is in the wrong. But the fact is you don't know that yet. You say he isn't trying but it's been 3 days? How do you even know what his trying really is? You say he is pushing you away but how do you even know that is happening? Can you safely tell me that you know he is not being himself when you have known him for maybe a month a best? This is all I am trying to get across. You are right honesty is foundational to any good relationship. But that kind of honesty and trust are earned and not freely given. For as much as you don't know him he doesn't know you. So if after a few more days he still isn't willing to say anything then perhaps there is a bigger issue. Then you can say that he doesn't want to be around you but this just happened. Don't get me wrong, him saying he wanted to go get drunk at a party after making plans with you was very rude. I get things come up but if you made commitments then you should honor them. So I agree there but my only real point here is to say its to early to say for anything yet. You both barley know each other and to write someone off as not trying when you don't now what is going on or how they really feel is not good either. I am just speaking as an outside observer here. I don't have any more information than what is written. Perhaps this guy has absolutely backed off and wants nothing to do with anymore. I have no idea. All I am saying is it's really hard to say that after 3 days you know he is acting different. This is why I said space would be a good thing. You telling him he has changed when he could just be stressed isn't going to help it's only going to create a feeling of not being safe. Not everyone says everything right away. That is okay. It takes time for us to process. I prefer say things up front right away as well, but I also acknowledge that some people need a little time to process. I am not talking months or years here but like a few days to a week is not unheard of. I don't know if it's a game or not. I can't say one way or the other. But to me 3 days and only talking for a month is far to soon to say someone has stopped trying or doesn't care anymore. Again, I do no intend to be rude or sound like I am attacking you. I am just offering a different side.
Thank you for being honest and giving me advice.
I do hope things work out for you. But seriously give this some space and take care of yourself you deserve it. Self care is very important and it will help with the stress of this whole situation. I am always around if you would like to chat further.
Thank you
I think what you have said is very wise.
He is getting ready to completely ghost you. I'm a lot older than you and have been around the block a few times. Don't waste anymore time on him.
I think that you already know what is going on here and what to do. All the signs are there. Move on. Don't get hurt.
Thank you
You're welcome. Let us know what happens.
I will
Ilovepugs123,
He sounds very immature. Most men in the very early days of the relationship only show their very best self. If choosing to go out and get drunk over his new girlfriend are his good behavior I would run. As in don’t look back, don’t call etc. I would end it first so he is clear about your choice. But after that delete his number. You deserve so much more!!
Warm Wishes!
thank you
It sounds like it is time to move on. You do not seem like a drinker. Do you want someone who is hung over on Sunday? What a drag!
I don't drink at all. thank you for the advice.
Exactly! I used to drink what they call moderate but couldn’t resist finishing a bottle of wine in a single night. The next morning was ruined. Now I am a light drinker and i get up at 4 sometimes to go hiking or just exercise of some sort. So much better! I wouldn’t want to be dragged down by a hungover partner. He either needs to grow up or learn how to limit himself.
Listen to what you are telling yourself. You said you feel like you are being used. I would listen to my own wisdom. No one knows better than you.
thank you for the advice.
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