seems like a silly post for me... i know all the answers... and yet - apparently i don't know how to implement them.
i recently caused some pain for a friend. and not only did i not recognize that i did this - after several conversations - i still did not recognize this. i suppose i could place some blame at their feet, for not spelling it out explicitly that they were hurt - but that's irrelevant. the real point is, I didn't pick up on it!
and i KNOW i'm not always good at reading between the lines - so i'm aware of this weakness. i try to be more sensitive to this, and it seems no matter how hard i try - sooner or later, i fail.
so after getting a blunt answer from my friend; and realizing what i'd done; i felt HORRIBLE. i apologized, and they forgave me. and for them it's done and in the past. but i seem to have a need to beat myself up, and obsess over this. and it isn't even the initial thing i said that gnaws at me as much as the fact i still didn't pick up on what happened afterward.
knowing this is a problem for me - and trying to work on this - and having such a failure - well - i feel like i'm not making any progress. i know this is my negative inner voice beating me up; i know intellectually i'm better than i was years ago. but none of that matters when i hear that negative voice.
i've been forgiven - but i have great difficulty forgiving myself. so i know i'm human; know i'm imperfect; know i SHOULD forgive myself - especially cause they have...
why must i be so friggin hard on me. why must i beat myself up. why the F is it so hard to forgive myself?
how do others find forgiveness in themselves????
can someone help me beat that thru my thick skull?
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13ga
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25 Replies
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Hey, sounds like a case of IQ vs. EQ. With a high EQ, you can find a lot of answers to many things.
tx agora - i read that link; i did find it very helpful!
i especially liked the idea of thinking about what unmet needs cause us to act as we did.
the letting go ritual, is actually advise i've given to others - and i should actually practice it!! besides - i LOVE burning things... so now i have excuse to do it more...
Unfortunately 13ga, it's not about one thing being the magic wand but trying different
options until you get the results you need. I'm glad you gave it a look. YouTube is loaded with a lot of answers for a lot of different issues. I learn something new every time I go on it. Enjoy your weekend. I'm out shoveling the slush preparing for another snow xx
but I WANT THE MAGIC WAND solution!!!! that's the one i want!!!!
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you are sooo right; needless to say - but the 1 i focused on feels like the 1 i need right now... it certainly doesn't take away from the others!
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hey - when you finish your slush... would you mind coming over here???
xx
Hi 13ga,I used to be on an HU commuity for RLS. I inadvertently hurt many people on there with my words. My intention was kind, but lots of people took it the wrong way. To say that I felt HORRIBLE once I realized what I had done is an gross understatement -- I felt like the Devil. I wanted so much to take it back, but I couldn't. I will not go into details, but I ended up calling the ambulance. While my resulting INTENSE self-hatred had a lot to do with my own shame and guilt, a small piece had to do with how I waa treated once I made my message. Even though I know that there are two sides to every story, in my mind there was only one side: me hurting others and the unacceptable-ness of that.
It was a slow process to recover. Talking it out to various people helped, the TED talk that my husband had me listen to on self-hatred helped, as well as keeping my mind occupied with other things helped (hubby was AWESOME there).
tyvm for sharing - what you said resonated a lot for me... ESPECIALLY the idea that inspite of there being 2 sides - i always focus on MY side; MY badness... etc...
i need to place the blame on everyone else!!! JK JKJKJKJK LOL JOKE JOKE
but there is a serious part of that joke - it takes two for someone to feel hurt. what were my emo needs that caused me to behave as i did; and that i never intend to hurt anyone - what were their emo needs that caused them to interpret my well intentions as hurtful.
tyvm, MM - that's a profound thought i need to digest and absorb!!!
You are most welcome🙂 I love your profound thought! It makes me thing of something someone told me in this community: they asked me how I expected so-and-so to react. This touched me because it is so true! We get this picture in our minds of how someone should react to us, then get disappointed when they don't react how we imagined. This happens to me a lot actually, but I have since learned that we can't control how others will react.I hope you'll be okay. I almost wasn't, so here is what I remember hearing from the EMT's, hospital personnel, therapist, parents and husband:
-You are human and humans make mistakes
-we will make mistakes in life
-our mistakes do NOT define who we are
-you are a good person
-You apologized and that shows tremendous caring and maturity (I apologize to the forum once I realize what I had done)
that is all so helpful - i can't TY enough... i'm feeling much better... and i think i've been reminded, and introduced to tools that if i can manage to keep in forefront of my mind... maybe i can avoid next time...
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also LOVE what you said.... " then get disappointed when they don't react how we imagined "
you're truly brilliant - that's exactly what it was!!!!!
i was SO shocked by the interpretation.... it was soooo NOT according to my expectations!!!
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love your "to-do" list - that's a great reminder that we're all human.
Wow. Your post hit me hard. Underlying all of the pain and suffering and depression that I’ve endured in my life is exactly what you are talking about....the struggle to forgive myself for some crime I never committed and for some debt I never owed. And then to forgive myself for not forgiving myself. Pattern sound familiar? It does seem so strange that we have compassion for others and can forgive them but we can’t show ourselves the same. I think that we get fixated on the word “can’t “. As in we can’t forgive ourselves. Then we believe it. But the truth is we CAN. You can. I can. Not In some distant future but starting right now. It won’t happen right away. It will happen, though. Not by saying to yourself a million times “I forgive myself “. But knowing that you already hold the keys to the prison you’ve been living in. If we can stop asking the question “Why can’t I forgive myself ?” and leave ourselves open to the fact that we actually can, that it IS possible, we ultimately will. And without that crushing burden, the sky’s the limit, my friend. If this sounds like I’ve figured it all out, I haven’t. But I’m realizing that changing the way I look at forgiving myself is getting me closer to actually doing it. Sorry for this inarticulate ranting but you hit a nerve for me in the best possible way. I hope these words help in some small way. You’ve helped me and I thank you for that.
there was NOTHING incoherent in your reply - it resonated very much for me. it was stream of thought - thinking as you write - i do this alot - 1 reason my replies can be so wordy!!! but it's all good!! not only do we see the logic of your thinking - but you shared how you got there! it's like in math - showing your proof of answer.
THANKYOU for showing your proof!
you made perfect sense to me! and it was helpful! TYVVM for sharing!!
We are our own harshest critics. You need to give yourself a break. I understand your feelings, because I when I found out I unintentionally hurt someones feelings, I beat myself up pretty good too. I don't like to hurt people, even people I don't care for (and trust me, I have many people around at work that I absolutely do not care for, but I still wouldn't want to hurt their feelings, even the dumb boss lady that's been ignoring me for two weeks). On a different subject, I was just wondering how the fitness journey is going. I'm middle aged myself, and I need to start being more active. My parents are in the greatest shape (my father has always been healthy and physically fit, but my mom just lost 87 pounds in the last year). They are both very inspiring. I have a great photo of my dad ice climbing at 70 years old, and to see my mom on her weight loss and getting fit journey has been quite a ride.
although i don't feel anywhere near as bad if i accidentally hurt someone that's an ignorant ahole... that's never my goal - but if their that ignorant, i really can't concern myself too much. it's when i hurt people that ARE self-aware - that kills me. has me questioning my own self-awareness and sensitivity...
people that ARE self aware - ARE their own harshest critics... guess i should take that as a compliment, pat myself on the back, for seeing and regretting my mistake - because now - i'm just that much more self-aware - even if just a tiny bit more!
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my fitness journey needs some work - i'm doing AWESOME on diet! i'm kickin a$$ on diet. i'm doing WAY better on meditation - working it back into my habitual routine... but my physical exercise - i really gotta push myself to do more on that.
i'm very physically fit - my diet and gene's help ALOT. but i really could stand to be better - up my endurance, and tone can always be better....
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it's hard to motivate when you're feeling blue, or sad, or angry ....
I don't know i am trying not to feel like an ant now yet shame and feeling bad even though i think others have a right to be mad at me will make my harsh side beat me down more. I think my being serious about getting better is the best gift i can give to myself and others. Reassurance patience asking questions and more questions. I'm listening to youtube videos. Check it out. Be kind to yourself we are all human .
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