I'm 35 and currently living with my parents as I am unemployed, again. Over the past 15 years I've had a dozen jobs, all of which I was fired from because of depression and anxiety. I will be too depressed to go to work, then I start to get anxiety about getting in trouble for missing work, which worsens my depression, and things snowball from there. Every. Single. Job.
I've been trying to transition to a less stressful and more satisfying career, but I can't keep a job for more than a year. I've been on antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and anti-psychotics for about 5 years, working with a talk therapist for the past 3 years, and spent a good portion of the previous 7 years trying CBT and other coping therapies.
I was making really good progress until about 6 months ago. I had been with the same company for over a year, was having very minimal anxiety, and was even able to begin focusing on my other life goals such as physical health and saving to move out. Then, suddenly, my anxiety spiked, followed closely by my depression. I managed to stave it off for a few months but finally lost my job on Nov 1st. Now I'm back to square one.
Living with my parents is very stressful, and depressing. They aren't the worst parents in the world, but we are far from a healthy, stable unit, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will not be able to get better while I live with them. But if I'm too depressed to work then I can't leave, either.
I need a stable income, but I'm too depressed to work a stable schedule. I need income to move out, but as long as I live 'at home' I'm too unstable to work. I always have another idea to try, from mental health care to job training to joining a service corps, but I'm out of ideas at this point. I have medications, a therapist, training in a great job that I really enjoy and am fairly good at, long term and short term goals. I was eating well and beginning to exercise. I was not stressed financially (amazing at a time like this!), had a stable schedule, was sleeping well. Everything I've been taught to manage my depression was on point.
I know I had several stressors such as moving (which did not go well) and a troubled relationship with my mother, who I live with, but I can't lose my job everytime my life gets hard! Life will always get hard, and if I'm not financially secure then life will get hard a lot more often.
I'm feeling very hopeless, I no longer believe that I will ever be able to hold a job long enough to move out, much less do anything like buy a car or house or start a family. What goals could I even manage if I can't work? How can I not live with my parents of I don't work? I feel like my only option is to get married and be a stay at home spouse. I've never wanted that, I've never even wanted to get married, I've always loved working, I don't want to transfer my dependency from my parents to a spouse. I wouldn't even know where to start to try to find someone to have a relationship with, much less marry! I honestly don't know what else to do.
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SwankyFrankie
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Hi there. You seem to have a good grasp on your feelings, which is really good. Have you talked to your therapist about this post? I don't know what to recommend other than that.
Do something that you are really interested in - study online and get a job in it, say
I had just post something similar but... the truth is we can’t run or hide from mental illness as much as we need to, in order to feel safe. A new job again may even help because it’s better to have a stable income but especially better to have more consistency in your life when you’re dealing with both conditions.
I could recommend a job at home, but that would not prevent anxiety. I can see how living with your parents, relationship with your mom and the pressure you feel at this moment to trigger both your anxiety and depression. It was a bit rough reading this because my heart feels for you.
You’re only 35! Yes you had a rough year and a set back. This is normal because the truth is... life isn’t easy. And when we are doing good, there’s never a guarantee it will stay that way. The only thing you know for sure is that our decisions now could impact our future and you’re capable of pursuing any career path you want. It’s much more difficult for us with anxiety and depression. but I know it’s possible if we know ourselves well enough to combat the stressors and continue to seek support. But we can do this together.
I have a lot of the same issues you do, and I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had to go on disability, which is a tough choice but at least it's a steady income per month. I'm not saying I recommend that, but that could be a last resort option. Try to figure out why you keep going through these jobs, what kind of job would be your dream career???? What are you innately good at and skilled at? And how can you try to resolve situations before you want to quit or get fired??? Something to think about.
I've considered going on disability. I'm desperate to have a family, tho, and as a single woman I'll never be able to have children on disability. I won't be able to afford fertility treatments, and I won't be eligible to foster or adopt. I can't have children right now, I'm not stable enough, but I'm also not ready to give up that dream. That's part of why I'm so hopeless right now, every idea I have to help me stay financially stable leaves me in a position that stops me from having children. Just the thought of never being a mom makes me want to cry. It's all I've ever really wanted.
Three years ago I made the choice to become a web developer, a job which I am good at and enjoy. But when my depression hits, for any reason, my ability to get up and go to work just goes away. I had hoped that enjoying my job, not being anxious about how I would be treated at work, even looking forward to going to work most days would help me keep my job through my derisive episodes, but it didn't have as much impact as I hoped. I made it longer, because I never had that anxiety that I was going to get fired for having a sick day, but I just stop functioning when I'm derided and I don't know what to do about it.
I'm trying to make a list of 'warning signs' that I can look at to figure out if now is the time to take FMLA or something. Maybe that way I can avoid getting fired. When you have a physical illness, a Dr will tell you 'you need x weeks off work to recover' but not with mental illness. And it seems part of my problem is that I never want to 'give up' so I always just keep pushing through and trying, promising myself and my job that tomorrow I'll start getting better, tomorrow I'll be able to get to work, on time, and work all day. I need to learn when to say, no, I'm not going to get better before I get fired so I need to take a leave now. I'm not naturally inclined to that, I don't have a set who will tell me that, and FMLA, if I manage to stick it out a full year to qualify, I'd unpaid and not much better financially than being fired...
I can definitely understand your frustration. I got on disability when I was around age 27, because I had been hospitalized on psyche wards so many times. Now I'm 50 and I just want to get the hell off of it, I haven't worked in awhile and I'm tired of feeling useless. No matter what you try to do, it can be a rough world out there. I'm not trying to get too personal, but since you want a marriage and children so badly, do you currently have a boyfriend or significant other now? Another thing I'm thinking which is what I've thought about for myself- you don't have to be a parent to make a difference in a kid's life. There are programs for people to be mentors and volunteer, like the Big brothers, big sisters program. Some kids really need and appreciate someone like that being in their life. I've been considering trying to do something like that, but I know how there's all the stigma about bipolar disorder and some parents might not want me around their children. Still, that might be something to consider doing. I hope you find your way. We all have to make the best out of what life throws at us.
I am in pretty much the same situation as you, except that I have been a student over more than a decade and struggled to complete my degrees. Also living at home. Our age is very close. I have good relationships with my parents but both are sick, one doing dialysis, another living with cancer. I also don't know how to get a job and hold a job despite having had phases of good recovery and great days. I also know I need a job or some ways to bring in income, and a routine. I will keep following this thread. Maybe others will have suggestions for us.
I had that intense desire to be married and be a mom but it was that exact desire that made depression and anxiety a lot worse! The past one year, I had finally let go of that desire and although I still struggle with symptoms, there is a deep peace that permeates because I no longer crave that external fulfillment. It is still highly possible for you to have your desire met, so keep an open mind. For now, the most important thing is to get well. My friend who is trained as a psychologist said to me," There is a baby inside of you that needs your nurturing. Nurture that inner baby first." See if this helps.
I would focus on that sense of gratitude, like you said you weren't feeling suicidal, which is HUGE. I have been suicidal and focussed on gratitude that the awareness is strong and my spiritual belief is firm so I wouldn't act on those thoughts. That's a huge blessing for me to truly know that these thoughts are just passing and that I don't have to be defined by them. So, for your case, maybe try focussing on how grateful you are to have access to medications, therapists etc, the desire to keep living etc? I even give thanks to my breaths when suicidal thoughts are too intrusive so I could keep going second by second, minute by minute. We have to keep supporting each other and keep the faith.
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