So Lonely It Hurts to Live: I am 4... - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support

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So Lonely It Hurts to Live

alonensad
alonensad

I am 45 with no friends or a job. I live with my parents and I'm struggling to find a reason to stay alive. There is nothing in me but loneliness and self hatred that I can't be an adult and just take care of myself. I can't get out of bed most days. My shyness won't let me walk into a therapist's office and ask for help, I'm unable to be vulnerable in front of strangers as I've never cried or told anything personal to anyone who wasn't my mother. If something doesn't change for me I will end up hurting myself and it's scaring me how little I want to be here. If you read this, thank you very much.

55 Replies
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Please do not do anything you will regret. There are so many Avenues of help available ; therapist , psychiatrist, meds, friends, family, meditation & this app to name some. A therapist is a good idea & can help you start building a meaningful & rewarding life. Life has so many things that are fun & rewarding. Just start small: see a therapist, psychiatrist & perhaps get a part time job. One step at a time. We are all here to listen & help.....

alonensad
alonensad in reply to Rlich

You are very kind to reply, I wish I could see a therapist as I know it helps but I'm so shy that I can't even ask for help at a store. I would like to find a way to work up to it, I've read that writing therapy exists and one can email a therapist instead of in person visits. I hope to find out if that is available to me.

Thank you very much for your warm reply.

Thank you for having the courage to share what you're going through. I know it can be a hard thing to do, especially when you feel so low. But its a step of reaching out for support and that's a great thing. I won't claim to understand what you're going through, but I can say if you can find a comfortable first step for yourself, then maybe you can build from there and work your way to reaching out to a therapist. So maybe starting here on this site, building some comfort with expressing yourself, then maybe phone therapy (individual or group calls), and so forth. You don't have to force yourself to go from 0 to 100, but sometimes we do have to push ourselves out of our comfort zones just a little bit in certain circumstances that could benefit us. Maybe as a way to think about the option of therapy you could imagine to yourself ok what's the worst that could happen, I sit with a therapist in silence for an hour because I'm feeling too shy to talk, but at least I've made a huge step of going there and can try again another time. I guess I just mean that any effort on your part is a step in the right direction.

I'm sorry for how scared you are. Those painful thoughts are difficult to live with and you deserve to feel joy and content. Though our experiences aren't the same I can say on some level I know what it feels like to live with pain, and it's definitely unbearable at times. I would never tell you what to do, but simply as a person I of course don't want you to hurt yourself, and as someone who has hurt themselves I can tell you it really unfortunately solves nothing. All you can ask of yourself is to get through each day, take each day and keep going from there. You're strong and capable of overcoming the struggles you face.

alonensad
alonensad in reply to paint1018

Thank you, I appreciate that you took the time to read and respond so thoughtfully. It means a lot to me.

We are here for you. You should never feel alone. Just remember they are just thoughts. I think its VERY important that you find a therapist. Just pick up the phone and call a local office and see if you see someone this week. You need to talk to someone about how you are feeling and if you have to cry that is fine. You dont have to struggle alone. We have all had feelings of sadness and desperation. Its the strength to get through it that makes us keep going.

Thank you for the reply, I hope I can get to a point where I feel up to talking to someone. I've been on a few online and text chats and so far that's all I can manage. I'm incredibly self conscious and I know that it's ok to ask for help but I cannot bring myself to do it in person yet.

Many of us are here because we feel like you do. Many of us can say the same things you've said. So you are not alone here. You can be open and talk to us here. I can also welcome you to chat me up anytime you need via private messaging for one to one talks with no judgement. I'll respond as soon as I can or if I'm logged in right away. :-)

I came here just as you did to find ways to feel something other than misery. You've come to the right place and you're now seeing the comments of others also welcoming you. You're safe here and people care.

alonensad
alonensad in reply to TyrSwmrSAC

Thank you so much, it feels better knowing that there are other people out there who are also struggling like me and are getting help here.

TyrSwmrSAC
TyrSwmrSAC in reply to alonensad

You are most welcome. I'm logged in live right now so if you need to chat or just want to you can message me anytime. :-)

That's good you are close with your Mother. Maybe she can go with you to the therapist? Taking the first step towards help is really hard, but what other choice do we have? My sister is in the same boat. I feel so bad for her, but I keep telling her to go to therapy, take some steps to get yourself better and family is here for you! And I am giving you the same advice my friend :)

Thank you for the reply, no doubt my mother would go with me to therapy. I just don't want to get anyone's hopes up if I do finally make it to therapy. How long should she have to wait before I'm "better"? She's a wonderful parent and I don't want to let her down but I know that therapy doesn't work overnight and it could be a long time before I see any decent results.

You are right. It could take a bit, but it's better to start "now" than later. And you're mom will always be there. That's what mom's are for!

You asked how long she should have to wait until you are better. Being a parent myself-as long as it takes!! Your mother WANTS TO see you better, and every therapy appointment is a step in the right direction. DO NOT think about yourself as a burden on your mother. It would make her SO HAPPY to see you getting help!

That's a good tip to remember!

Hidden
Hidden in reply to alonensad

There are meds for very shy people. You are not alone. I am sure a medication would help to overcome your sense of isolation and feeling you have failed. You have not failed at all. It's having the courage to tell your doctor how your shyness is affecting your social interaction. You are lucky having parents who love you . There are people who have no one at all so to hurt yourself rather than help yourself to better mental health would hurt your mother. Take care.

alonensad
alonensad in reply to Hidden

That is good to know, thank you for reading.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to alonensad

Sure you will take one step at a time and will have the support of your mum to see someone. Group therapy is useful.

alonensad
alonensad in reply to Hidden

I don't know about group therapy as I'm scared enough of regular one on one therapy. I barely talk around my family, I don't see me opening up to total strangers. In high school we had a weekly group meeting with about seven kids for our whole Sophomore year and we would talk about different topics, I'm sure I said about ten words the whole year. I really, really hated it and resented being forced to talk about personal topics with people I hardly knew, I don't want strangers knowing anything about me. Someday, I might be able to work up to regular therapy but I know group therapy will never be for me. Hard limits and all that. Thanks for being so kind, I know I'm a pain in the neck.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to alonensad

No you are not a pain. Everyone likes to feel happy in their own space. One to one therapy is surely a great help. I don't think I could cope with group therapy spilling the emotional beans and would have to liven up the crash with some fiction. It's fun being ordinary and boring. Ha! Enjoy laughing at my own jokes.

alonensad
alonensad in reply to Hidden

Thanks, you are a good soul.

You mentioned that it's hard to talk to people other than your mother. I wonder, does she know you feel this way? I wonder if maybe she would have good advice or comfort through a time of loneliness. If you get to a point of serious suicidal ideation, please call an emergency hotline, go to a hospital, or call 911. We want you here and will always be here to support you.

Thank you. My mother absolutely knows that I'm suffering. It's hard because when it gets bad, she blames herself and I know that it's not her fault and I don't want her thinking that she has anything to do with me being depressed. I'm an only child so it's not like she has any other kids to be proud of, I feel like I've let her down being this way.

skidrew
skidrew in reply to alonensad

I’m just so impressed with your ability to be honest with yourself and this group. That alone is a huge step showing you want help and are willing to get help. Give yourself huge credit! Keep reaching out and sharing.

alonensad
alonensad in reply to skidrew

Thank you. I'm trying as best I can.

We understand here! We care! We love unconditionally! We’re on the same team routing for each other!

alonensad
alonensad in reply to skidrew

It means a lot to me that you read all of my entry, thank you very much.

I absolutely understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been through and still go through similar feeling everyday. I mean I am by no means an expert on your situation however have you thought about adopting a pet? (Not sure if you’re a cat or a dog person or any other pet person) When I adopted my kitty it changed the whole world around me and suddenly I have someone who needs me to get up every morning. It won’t make the feelings so away but it might be a good first step.

alonensad
alonensad in reply to Stanka303

It would be great to have a pet but my mother is allergic to cats and we are not allowed to have dogs in my building. Thank you for your reply! I do love cats and dogs.

Have you thought about joining a local church where you would meet many people who feel lonely like you. I would be lost without my church and the many friends I have made there. People will not judge you there.

alonensad
alonensad in reply to Ragdoll15

Thank you for the suggestion and I know a lot of people find great comfort and kinship through their religious beliefs and I respect them but I am not at all religious. Thank you for reading my entry it means a lot to me.

The thing is if your mom takes you that’s great ! You could write down prior to going how you feel and how it’s hard to talk at all extent of shyness. That way you’re prepared when you go. It may feel hard but over time that person will be your confidant like your mom is. I would try a female therapist. What you describe is the very thing the therapist can help you with and help you turn it around. Maybe you’d benefit from a therapy dog too. It’s ok to feel like you do scared. It will get better take that leap let your mom take you.

alonensad
alonensad in reply to guitara69

Thank you, writing everything (or as much as I can) does sound very helpful. I appreciate the help.

guitara69
guitara69 in reply to alonensad

It will help. And they’ll ask you questions to go with it. Just remember in therapy they’ve seen heard it all. You can feel as broken as you do and insecure sad and scared stiff and it’s all the normal they’re used to dealing with. So be proud!

I know just how you’re feeling. I just turned 32 and I’ve been living at home with my mom for the past 2 years. I’m ashamed to be an adult living with a parent, but my depression, much like yours, keeps me from really being able to take care of myself. I can’t hold down a job. Today I slept until 5 pm. I spend all of my time alone, and like you said, I’m scared that things will always be this bad and I’ll have to live this way forever. But we need to just keep trying. Every day that we don’t hurt ourselves is a day that we’ve succeeded. Every day that we wake up and somehow find the will to stay alive despite the intense pain and loneliness is another day we’ve conquered. And while the act of being alive seems simple to many people, those of us who know the depth of depression know that it’s not easy - it’s incredibly hard, so we need to start looking at our days with triumph. Even if it’s only a little triumph. You’re doing the absolute best you can do, and that’s all anyone can ask of you. That’s all you can ask of yourself. Remind yourself that you’re alive because you’re strong, but don’t be afraid to show your vulnerability to others. It’s the only way they’ll understand where you’re coming from. I’m sending you all the strength I have to spare, and I hope you can take some solace in knowing you’re nowhere near alone.

The erratic sleep patterns are the worst. I know them very well. My heart goes out to you and thank you for your reply.

Hidden
Hidden

Hi alone, are things going any better for you?

alonensad
alonensad in reply to Hidden

While I'm still lonely the deep depressive hole I was in seems to have allowed me to leave for now. I'm feeling much better and I know that the kind people here had a lot to do with that.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to alonensad

I'm glad to hear there's some relief. If you need someone to talk to, send me a message. Maybe we could help each other?

alonensad
alonensad in reply to Hidden

Sure, that sounds like a good idea. You can message me as well.

That's wonderful to hear! I also wanted to say that I too, when I was much younger, suffered through severe shyness. Even today, I consider myself shy, but it doesn't hinder me. I mean, I am never going to find myself the center of attention and the life of the party. ( I would absolutely die)!! But I wanted to say that the only way out of shyness is through it. It's pushing yourself to do even the SLIGHTEST things out of your comfort zone, and keep repeating and repeating, then go onto the next. If you don't push yourself, you will be stuck for good. It doesn't go away on it's own. As they say-baby steps.

Hidden
Hidden

I’m 42 and I get that feeling of loneliness. It’s so hard to take the first step. I have loving parents but I want my own life to be full. I think laying around makes it worse don’t you?

alonensad
alonensad in reply to Hidden

Laying around does make it worse because it subsumes you and it's all you can think about. On the other hand, when I'm feeling that way, sometimes I can't move at all. It's terrible.

Hidden
Hidden

I didn’t do anything today really. I used the excuse of being tired and deserving a day off but I can’t tell the difference of just resting or lack of motivation due to my depression. It blurs together

alonensad
alonensad in reply to Hidden

For me, real rest comes with a sense of relief, the depression either feels sad or empty. It's tiring either way but when I'm really down, it doesn't lead to any type of energy when it's done. Real rest eventually leaves me energized, the depression just saps everything.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to alonensad

I was just lazy today but tomorrow is another day for a fresh start

I am praying for you. I hear you and I am so sorry you are in this much pain.

alonensad
alonensad in reply to Eagle12

Thank you, especially for reading this on Valentine's Day.

Hidden
Hidden

How are you feeling today?

alonensad
alonensad in reply to Hidden

Today was good, saw family and managed to get out of my head for most of the night. How are you ?

Hidden
Hidden in reply to alonensad

It was productive. Left the house early in the day and saw an old friend. Those are wins for me

I think when u listen to others problems...u will find u r in a much better position in life....i hv a hus...a kid..stil i feel so lonely and no motivation frm life...u r lucky 2 b wid parents..u r capable enough 2 get a job which u wil njoy...get busy...at least some part of ur day...im sure u wil feel bettr...u cn write 2 me fr help nnytime...tc..

alonensad
alonensad in reply to Amy615

Thank you for reading and being so kind.

Thank you, at least we know we aren't alone in this.

I can relate to your difficulties. Kudos to you for sharing that your shyness is affecting you. It takes courage to say that. Hope you are able to find a therapist who can speak to you remotely or through email. Recently, I enrolled in an insurance plan which has the option of Live on Call doctor and also virtual therapy. Sadly, I have not got the courage yet to book an appointment. (I am concerned that my neighbors might hear me... thin walls)

Maybe something like this could work for you?

I hope that your therapy (when you book it) helps you. I do not know if my insurance covers something like that but I will certainly look into it!

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