Lost the will to live

[Aphos]

Been struggling with depression which comes with suicidal thoughts for more than 10 years now. I stopped working a month ago cause I was so up and down. Now I don't know what to do with myself. I've lost all motivation and taken a bitter taste to life. Nothing brings me joy and I feel like I don't have any purpose to live for anymore. Does one ever beat this and find a reason to live again?

[Kat63]

Do you feel able to handle a job again? Or any activity that would get you out of the house and interacting with people. That always helps me.

[Aphos in reply to Kat63]

Wow! You are strong. I've let my clients down by accepting their business and not being able to follow through. Social interaction and noise is something I can barely handle. I find every little bit of resistance or bad news pushes me over the edge. How are you managing?

[Hidden]

Aphos

I would strongly advise you talk to your Doctor and get referred.

Have you been for or been given any treatment

BOB

[Aphos in reply to Hidden]

Hi Bob, thank you. I no longer know what it feels like to be my true self. My friends and cousins have achieved so much in life while I'm just doing what it takes to survive. What is your experience with the doctor? Prozac didn't work for me

[Hidden in reply to Aphos]

Aphos

Over the years I have seen many changes my last appointment was A Course of CBT, Eleven Sessions, the time before was set down initially with the Crisis Team a course of twelve treatments at home with My Wife, then a further five weeks of written tests for my Short Term Memory Problems, the tests were to do with Dementia, so I also had a Brain Scan.

At my old Surgery I had been seen at Pain Clinic and was shown how to vary medication doses so I manage even now my own drug regime. However at my own old Practice I was introduced by pain clinic to negotiate my medication doses. Now, generally my new Practice leave me alone, although like the last six months or so are reducing my medication doses because of age. I generally follow their recommendations. The problem I have they do not understand my past experiences and that can lead to problems with my Chronic Health Concerns. I keep trying to follow what I have learned in the past. It took the GP and then Pain Clinic about two years to balance my drug regimes

BOB

[Pain_art1]

I get it I feel that way all the time im always up and down it usually gets worse before it gets better just don’t lose hope at least that’s what they tell me

[jesca18]

Im sorry you feel this way. I know the feeling all too well. No purpose, no joy.. And idk how I’m still working.. doing it somehow...

Unfortunately I think I need to accept this is going to be a lifelong struggle, as I too have been struggling for 10 years

[BeachBumBabe]

Depends. If your depression is situational, a death or something else perhaps. But a mental Illness no it's always going to be there. Do you have enough money to quit? Will you be even more depressed without a job? Reaching a goal by self healp always helps me. You can do it.

[Aphos in reply to BeachBumBabe]

My work demands that I have my full attention so as not to endanger myself and more importantly those around me. In 2017, I almost died on the job. Fell flat to the ground and was brought to the ER. Most days I can't get out of bed or won't eat until half the day is gone. I've come to a place where I no longer want to take care of myself, have no hope and become a pessissimist it seems. 😔

[BeachBumBabe in reply to Aphos]

I feel bad for you. I was at a time were I couldn't get out of bed. One thing I realized that stying and bed and bit eating was going to make my situation worse. So I said I got to do something. Take small steps. I can give you advice only if you tell me why your depressed, ie trauma abuse, mental illness or both. Or you sleeping in? Are your oversleeping or undersleeping and just staying in bed? Start my eating small snacks, such as cracker or nuts just to get something in and get you use to eating. Or you can force yourself to eat a meal. Think of some appietzing even if it is unhealthy, just getting the habit of eating and getting something into your system is better than nothing even if it's chocolate cake. It's can be cookies, ice cream or both.

Do you have enough money saved to live without a job? Will you run out?

[Aphos in reply to BeachBumBabe]

That is so weird to talk to a stranger who seems to care...

I think Im sleeping in cause i dont want to talk to anyone in the morning and I can't find a reason to get out of bed, let alone to live. Waking up late makes the days go by faster and sleeping quiets my mind. Shamefully, it gives me an escape from all the noise. At this point, it just seems like I'm breathing/surviving.

I am uncertain where my depression comes from. Maybe a myriad of things? I was sexually abused in kindergarten, dad left at a very young age, have bad memories at my Catholic all boys high school,went through severe acne through my adolescence and college so I isolated myself a lot. I left home when i was 17 and i used to be a cutter and heavy drinker. Had to learn everything on my own. Depression seems to run on mom's side. She went through it as well as two of my aunts, my sister and cousin.

Two years ago, I mustered the courage to visit my dad to try and reconcile with him. I realised how devoted he was to his job, gf and clients. When I left he never bothered to keep in touch. He is as good as a ghost father to me.

I never really understood what depression was and it seems like it's ugly head popped out in 2008 when I lost the job I cherished so much during the recession. Over the years it stripped me of everything: friendships, relationships, good job opportunities, special gatherings...like I say, " I would rather have a terminal illness than this".

Nowadays I feel very unmotivated and reached a state of anedhonia. I absolutely cannot stand social interactions, and lost my interest in what I used to enjoy doing like fishing, cooking, electronics..I stay quiet and isolate myself because I seem to have become easily irritated and I'm afraid to say something that might hurt someone.

To answer your last question, sadly I'm now back at my mom's place. That's one thing to be thankful for while I hopefully find the light again. Using up my savings for treatment and all. Right now my car is collecting rain water and I have a school loan to pay but I can't find the strength to do anything about it..

[BeachBumBabe in reply to Aphos]

Dang. I care because I was an a abusive realationship by mom and no one gave a rats-butt about me. My aunt seemed to care, but no. All I had were folks like you on line who I could talk to. But that's awhole different story.

A few more questions: Do you wake up anxious? Are you going to bed early?

Perhaps some other things that can quiet your mind are: walking, exercise, meditation, reading, painting and swimming. I just want you to get out that's BED! Have you tried a petbor cat or dog to keep you company.

Start by slowly setting your alarm clock 15 mins earlier to get up instead of doing it cold turkey. Take a shower, drink water,and wetur face with cold water and strecth to not go back to sleep.

Well it's pointless for me, it anyone for that matter , to give you all of this advice if you have underlying issues. How often do you think about your all boys HS memories? How often do you flashbacks of the kindergarten sexual assualt happen? Have you came to terms, with the sexual assualt? If not rule number 1 come to terms and accept. Give yourself encouragement by saying you are stronger than that, you can do it and you will get through this.

Try to get motivated? What's was your favorite recipe? Whats your comfort food? What recipe brings back good memories? cook something simple. Find it then cook it, hopefully you will find joy in cooking again. Or cook with Mom if she makes you happy. Look at old pictures or videos or even think memories of yourself fishing and hopefully it will be able to motivate you to fish. Motivation starts from within, compliment yourself daily, read and make up inspirational quotes, to get things done make a daily schedule that gives the time frame bto get things done, when you look good you feel good so don't neglect hygiene and dress nice.

I noticed you said you lost your job and you realize you had depression. Can you do something on your free time that's similar to your job? Since you have so much free time since you lost your job, is that making you more depressed now you have nothing todo? Do you consider yourself invaluable since you don't have a job? Staying in the house all day all the time makes me depressed. Is that your issue, without work you stay at home so your depressed? I know you don't want to get a job but you have to because those loans aren't going to pay themselves, your running out of savings for help and mom won't be there forever. Even if it's a job that doesn't pay much, you can always move from Mom's and get a roommate. You will get more depressed when you see your loan skyrocket from the inability to pay it. You will get more depressed when savings run out, that you will fully depend on your mom. How do you think your mom would feel if she had to fully support you? I'm sure she would prefer not to, and enjoy her life. Is she able to financially, even if she was it's better if you have your own job and place. I know it's hard.

[horizonwatch in reply to Aphos]

Hi Aphos, I can relate to every single word you said and I've felt it before, very recently actually. I'm in my early 40s and struggling with feeling like I've wasted my life. Some wisdom I have learned rather recently that has truly transformed my thinking is that we have to do what we enjoy doing, and the most important thing is to make ourselves happy. All my life, I let everyone around me (bosses, family, friends) drain me and I did everything out of guilt! I've learned I've been doing it all wrong, I need to make MYSELF happy instead of letting everyone control me and do everything out of obligation/guilt. Now I'm learning to do what I truly ENJOY doing and what I WANT to do! THIS is what makes life worth living, not drudgery trying to make everyone happy. The ironic thing is, that when you're trying to make everyone happy, you make YOURSELF miserable and you end up making no one happy! If you're miserable, there's no way you can give much to others at all. You are clearly a very intelligent, extremely caring and kind hearted person, I can tell. You have a lot of gifts and a lot of joy out there for you. Just do what you enjoy doing and don't worry about anyone else's judgement. Your happiness is important, it is crucial and you DESERVE to be happy!!!! You deserve it simply because you exist, nothing you need to earn. I hope this makes some sense....all the best!!!

[Hidden]

hi..yes to both of your questions..

[5footsmall]

Hi there, Im just checking in to see how you are doing? I've been where you are so many times.

[Peac408]

I feel the same way. I can only work 3 days a week now. And even that is hard. I don't know what to do either. I'm dying inside. I hope we can figure something out. What do you do during the day? Just wondering because sometimes all days are hard.

[ciley]

i am extremely low too and i actually think its not having a 'to do' routine, or some sort of work, you get isolated~~i can go 24 hours with very little speech, except to myself, a steady reliable routine is best not that i can manage it~~try vol work? i have a bad back now, and am feeling just downhill from now unless lottery win.time is prob on your side, find something steady to do~