i constantly don't know

[magicly_rose]

Should i just go to a hospital or something? Idk. my friend did and she’s a little bit better. Idk. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t know if i should keep wanting to be with my dad or if i should just want to stay here. Am i a horrible human being for wanting to leave my mom for my dad? My mom and step dad care. They really care for me. They’re trying. Idk. i really don’t know. I feel so horrible. Why am i even like this? What the hell is wrong with me? Life were i used to be was kinda shit but i was active. I went out with my dad all the time. My family’s there. Haha i really don’t know what to do and i can’t beg my mom to just let me move. She would never let me. She’s constantly said “it’s my job to raise you”. That she chose to raise me herself. Idk, my dad didn’t even get the choice. Educationally speaking i might do better where i am.. But emotionally speaking maybe i’d do better with my dad?? Idk. mom says i keep making her out to be the villain. This all just makes me feel like even more of a horrible person. Am i just displacing all of my emotions to not feel even more hatred towards myself or are my feelings justified? What am i supposed to do? I have literally no friends where i am now. All of them drifted off. All of my friends always leave me… there’s something wrong with me… why does no one ever stay… this is why i always listen to music.. Music’s always there for me. No other human being has always been there for me. Youtube’s always been there for me. Markiplier, Jacksepticeye, all those channels. They’ve always been there. They’ve always made me feel better. I don’t know what to do..

[cynndrs]

I do not think you are choosing your Mom or Dad. I think you can choose them both.

[magicly_rose in reply to cynndrs]

i can't exactly do that. one lives in a Caribbean island and the other lives in a US state.

[Hidden]

No one knows you better than you do yourself. Do you miss your dad? Do you see him on a regular basis? I would talk this idea over with both of your parents. Don't think that you'll automatically make better friends if you stay with your dad. Wherever you go, there you are. Not a lot of friendships last for a very long time, people change and grow.

[magicly_rose in reply to Hidden]

i'm supposed to see him every two months but because of covid i haven't seen him in nearly a year. and i certainly miss my dad. i'm kind of a "daddy's girl". i have a much better relationship with him than i do with my mom