So many things have gone wrong

[KatzAndDogz]

I'm brand new here. My depression and anxiety were being managed by my psychiatrist and my meds. But then so many things over which I had no control happened: my now-former primary care doc misdiagnosed extreme pain that I was having, told me it was "just a muscle thing," said I had to go to PT for 4-6 weeks before he'd even take an x-ray. I called him back after I'd had PT. I was in agony. His nurse told me that that was "normal." Then I collapsed at home. Thank goodness my husband was there. He rushed me to the ER, where I had to have my gallbladder removed asap. Sent the pcp snailmail telling him how incompetent he was; wish I'd reported him to the authorities too.

Then I had a second LRTI surgery on my right hand. The first surgery had failed, and the second surgery did too. My hand is weak, stiff, can't do any fine-motor activities. Then arthritis appeared on two fingers of my left (dominant) hand, so now both hands aren't working well. Inputting, for example, is slow and difficult.

Five our our dear animals died this year. We take in mainly seniors and those with special needs, so I know that their deaths are inevitable. But it never gets easier to say goodbye to our cats and dogs.

I've run my own editorial services business (editing, fact-checking, proofreading, translating German, writing) successfully since 1985, working mainly for publishers of nonfiction, reference books, textbooks, scholarly books, journals, magazines. COVID has destroyed my business. I haven't had any work since August. My publisher clients have gone bankrupt, closed their doors, started hiring student interns who work for free, started keeping all editorial work in-house to save money. I've greatly enjoyed my business. I've always built in time to market my business. I've been applying for freelance and remote work and work elsewhere. Nothing whatsoever is coming through. I'm 67, and age discrimination is a real problem. Thank goodness my husband's job continues--he's been working from home for 8 months or so--but I'm used to earning money, paying bills, etc.

I've been studying Spanish--I think of moving to another country--I'm taking a noncredit class in how to sell one's writing, and I volunteered at the local animal shelter. The first two are coming along. The last was lousy. Despite 35 years of caring for cats and over 20 caring for dogs, despite having volunteered and worked for pay at veterinary clinics and animal shelters and having volunteered at animal rescues, all I've been allowed to do is clean. I got to actually interact with cats twice to help shy and semi-feral cats come out of themselves, learn to trust humans, and get adopted. But then the volunteer coordinator turned all the interesting work with dogs and cats over to her favorites, and I was left with scrubbing, throwing things in the washer and dryer, folding laundry, cleaning litterboxes, and having zero contact with animals. I simply stopped volunteering.

Then, during my last appointment with my psychiatrist, to whom I've been going for at least 15 years, he hollered at me and told me that I've "always" been "negative" and "pessimistic." "ALWAYS." Don't they train psychiatrists not to use the words "always" and "never"? I was in shock. When I got home, I called his office and left voicemail for him. "I felt terrible after you accused me of ALWAYS being and having been pessimistic and negative. If you've felt so, then why have you been treating me all these years?" No way will I be going back to him again. Psychiatrists where I live are few in number and not good. I'd experienced plenty of them before I found this psychiatrist. My meds aren't working, I'm suffering from a severe depressive episode, and I don't know what to do.

Well, having pissed and moaned enormously, I'll stop. Thanks immensely for listening.

[Hidden]

Wow! I am so sorry! This year has been surreal; I hope next year will be better.

[KatzAndDogz in reply to Hidden]

I totally agree with you, MinnieMouse. This year has been surreal. I'm not used to feeling so utterly powerless and having so little control over what's happening in my life. I'm not used to having so many things go wrong, one right after the other, since September 2019. I've been trying for months to figure out what I can do to improve my life. But after having my long-time psychiatrist scream at me while I was already having a very bad depressive episode (I was at bottom, so he'd recommended magnetic brain stimulation, which you can only get, at least where I live, if you've hit absolute bottom) flattened me. I learned that I can't do the MBS. It hurts the top of my head terribly and makes my jaw chatter rapidly up and down and around. My psychiatrist knows that I've had neurological atypical facial pain since 2016; I've talked with him about it and what I've been doing to help myself (like finally finding a good neurologist; the neuros where I live only know about epilepsy and migraines, and that's it). Maybe that's all he had to offer. I don't know. My oldest friend (we've been friends since 8th grade) is a psychiatrist in a faraway state. I called him for advice. We talked for quite a long time this weekend; he was extremely kind, helpful, and caring; and he was going to do research over the weekend into psychiatrists near where I live. But definitely not in the city in which I live, where psychiatrists are absolute nightmares.

[Hidden in reply to KatzAndDogz]

I'm glad that your friend is going to help you. Friends since 8th grade! Wow! That's really special!

[KatzAndDogz in reply to Hidden]

It really is special. We've stayed in touch all these many years, no matter where we've both been living. We've visited each other. I'm so thankful for him. His significant other is also a psychiatrist--they met in med school and have been together ever since--and she is equally wonderful.

[lillyofthevalley37]

Hi KatzAndDogs so good of you to take in senior animals, so rewarding , I love animals prefer them to people most of the time, I am guessing you are in US and that you paid the psychiatrist good money what a cheek to treat you like that also the woman at the animal home , I was in the post office today in the front of the que and this woman came in asking the que in general if she could just ask for some forms I said she could go before me and she did thanking the que but not me as she did then after being served she said thanks to the que and not me , honestly some people Everything has changed after covid I hope new opportunities arise for you , and for everyone who has been kicked down by covid

[KatzAndDogz in reply to lillyofthevalley37]

Thanks so much for your kind reply! Yes, animals are a huge part of my life, and I often prefer them to people, I must admit. 😺 Yes, I'm in the US, which has the most screwed-up healthcare system. Actually, it's barely a system at all. (I've lived in other countries and been delighted to be included in their healthcare systems.) My husband's insurance, which I'm on, usually flat-out refuses to pay for magnetic brain stimulation, which runs between $4000 and $8000. At least the psychiatrist's office refunded the $500 (!) we had to come up with. Thank goodness for small favors. I know that so very, very many people have been horribly affected by the pandemic, and I feel guilty complaining about my lot.

[lillyofthevalley37 in reply to KatzAndDogz]

We have been battered emotionally and economically I feel bad for young people it's like we live in a Communist country now

[KatzAndDogz in reply to lillyofthevalley37]

It's pretty bad here. I'd say we're closer to a fascist country. Hey, to me, fascists and communists are all the same. They want a dictatorship run by one person who makes or breaks all the rules and you have to pledge allegiance to that person. That is not what our Founders had in mind. Sigh. But I'll try to stay away from any political discussions.

[lillyofthevalley37 in reply to KatzAndDogz]

yes better not get political on here I go on twitter for that Is there more demand for Spanish than German interpretation in US ?

[KatzAndDogz in reply to lillyofthevalley37]

I'd guess that there's a far bigger demand for Spanish translation, interpreting, and teaching than there is for German. Unfortunately! I just love the German language, I've loved translating and teaching it, and I've lived in Germany and Austria for long periods of time. I'd never been anywhere in Latin America, and then my husband and I went to Panama. It was lovely, the people were terrific, they kindly put up with our beginner-level Spanish, and the food was delicious. We were in the breadbasket of Panama, and I've never had such incredibly yummy fruit, vegetables, and coffee in my life.

[lillyofthevalley37 in reply to KatzAndDogz]

Sounds wonderful I'd love to go to Germany I love German dogs too especially German Shepherds and Dolbermans