I am struggling with my therapist. She is a good listener and I like her knowing everything about me. I need to know theres someone to talk to who gets me (friends cant provide this Ive found. I love my friends but its not their job just to listen to you and try understand everything about you).
I find her comforting but somewhat passive though. She doesnt have a "therapy approach" if you know what I mean, but she is helpful in her own way. Shes also kind of expensive too.
In our last therapy session she was telling me that she wants to know 'how does someone who has been abused so much end up being kind and gentle?'. She was genuinely confused. I was confused too about even considering the question because it doesnt feel right to me to abuse others. But I felt like a novelty act to her..a curiousity. It made me feel uncomfortable her asking me like that like Im some sort of show piece that intrigues her. I felt like her main focus was her curiousity and not actually helping me. We took some time focusing on this and all the while I was thinking 'why are we even talking about this...I am who I am..it doesn’t even matter'. I get that its good to try understand people but there was no need to put so much focus on this. I felt really confused and somewhat upset at the emphasis on this. I dont know why exactly. I think its because I felt like a case study she was interested in and wanted to document rather than someone she wanted to help. Ive never had this feeling before and Ive had ALOT of therapy. I think it was her genuine excitement as she talked and wanted to know me that got to me too. I was talking about some really sensitive stuff and the vibe I was getting was subtle but it just all didnt sit right with me. I think it would be more appropriate to have concern and care when I am talking about really serious things, not amazement. I understand the amazement in some ways (I find people interesting too) but this just was a time to reign that in I think. Do you think I should tell her? Weve only had 3 sessions now. And I need to talk to her about something specific in our next session. But after that Im thinking of not calling her for a while after that until I need to offload everything again because shes a good listener.
Im wondering if I should approach her on this or not or just leave it?
Edit: I also want to add this information too. I gave the following as a response to when someone suggested I ask my therapist to have a more active approach in my therapy)...
"I think it would be uncomfortable (to approach her on the subject) because to me she doesnt seem to have a direct approach with therapy anyway. Even in her profile she implies passiveness in it because she says 'I know everyone has their own tools and I respect that and want to work with you' (or something like that).And in our last chat (3rd one) after I had basically explained all my life and how events in my life have affected me (which is expected at first - it took 3 sessions to do it though which is alot! But its understandable because theres alot to cover) she then said ''Ive done all the work here, next session we can make YOU do some work and you can tell me what specifically you want to deal with and work on''. I went away and thought about it...she hadnt put the work in at all. I was just relaying information and thats it. It was valuable, but I wouldnt call it 'work' and especially not on her part.
This all leads me to honestly think her whole approach to therapy is too passive. And I dont think Im going to change that with my honesty. Afterall, Im not there to change HER. I need helo myself. I feel like maybe I need to know where she has limits on this one and just leave it. I can be very honest, but Im not sure theres a value in it in this case.
I feel like shes one of these therapists who enjoy being there for others and come away happier for feeling like theyve had an impact in other's lives. I get that and its understandable but thats quite an egocentric approach to therapy even if its subconscious on the therapist's part. I get this vibe alot - I see this really proud look on her face when I compliment her and tell her shes helped me. Shes human so I get it. But actually being a therapist should be quite difficult and mentally and emotionally testing as a the therapist tries to get to the root of problems with the client. I dont get the sense of this from her as much. This leaves me lacking confidence in her.
I dont know if Im making sense here or not. I guess Im saying there has to be something there to work with in assertiveness, direction and planning. I feel like if I have to do that myself then theres no point in approaching her about it. I guess I think I know her role. Shes a compassionate listener who wants to understand - I need that as I have some deep stuff I cant even tell friends. Apart from her 'amazement' shes handled it well and hasnt judged me. I need that"
2nd Edit: I think from talking to everyone it seems to be the case that this person doesnt have the skills of a therapist and I accept that. And if I want those therapy skills then I need to go elsewhere. However, she is a good listener and I feel she supports me and believes in me. I feel like she understands me and accepts all the sensitive things I said. I didnt need to justify anything to her and she was very understanding and non judgemental. To me, she has what I needed to not feel alone. I especially need this because there are some issues I really struggle with and cant talk to people about as they can be so judgemental (even friends). Ive decided tomorrow Im just going to offload everything on to her what Im feeling as Im really struggling with feeling alone right now. And I need to feel less alone. I know she wont have a 'therapy approach' and give me feedback and solutions so much (she has a little casually interjected in conversation) but I know it will make me feel better knowing there is someone in the world who gets me and wants to get me. Thats super hard to find anywhere else because without a professional setting my sensitive stuff would leave me and the listener so vulnerable. It is so so so so so sensitive! I really need a safe outlet for thism She is very human and cares and interested in understanding people (even though her approach isnt really professional) and I need someone who cares enough to see the best in me. And its all within the boundaries of set appointments. I need that. But the other more professional stuff I think its best not to expect. I wouldnt say it to her face but I dont see her as a therapist. I dont think she has the skills. Shes a hired professional friend who listens and understands. And thats ok. Thats her role and I comfortable with it. Some things I am dealing with right now are so sensitive in talking about that I need a professional friend. It would leave most people struggling if I was to just say it casually to someone. And it would leave me vulnerable wondering what they are going to do with that information. I really need a professional friend who knows how to take the information I give them and still see the best in me. I think I fascinate her and that feels a little insensitive but its a small price to pay for the security of knowing someone cares enough to want to listen and try understand without judging me. But if I want therapy actual therapy I need to go elsewhere I think.
So in summary I believe the answer is to alter my expectations of this 'professional friend who listens' and if I want more I need to go elsewhere.
Edit 3: Actually I may talk to her. I may play it by ear and see if I can be honest with her. Afterall Im only just getting to know her too and there may be some things shes considered that I havent.
Wow, I think alot!!! 🙄😌
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