Depression

[Starrlight]

I’ve been really well for a long stretch (compared to the past). Today I have been slowly but surely sinking into a place so dark that I wish I would die. There’s no reason except heredity and an accumulation of things I’m battling to stop doing. I need to be strong now. I will be as much as I can. I wish I could blend In with the night and become nothing or go to a place where I would not need to be so sad. Whenever I try to lift myself up I am bombarded with negative thoughts, some horrific and like I’m in a movie terrible almost. I’m very tired. I need someone I can trust to hold me and tell me it’s okay without wanting to take something from me. Anyone else in the midst of sinking in a downward spiral of bipolar depression?

[XoxoFaith]

Me today I woke up depressed not wanting to do anything what’s the point if all these negative thoughts won’t go away it’s like Iam getting tired of fighting you not alone friend

[Starrlight in reply to XoxoFaith]

((((((((Xoxo)))))))) so sorry you are going through it too. I can barely find words. I’m just so done with life is how I feel right now. Let’s get good sleep and feel better in the morning.

[11112020 in reply to XoxoFaith]

The fight is daily and doesn't seem to get any easier with age. I relate, hugs.

[Starrlight in reply to 11112020]

((((((((((11112020))))))))))) big hug

[melbrown]

Big big hugs Starrlight... I am feeling the same way too. I am trying to tell myself it's the current state of the world with the pandemic & everything else. I think the lack of sleep last night isn't helping much with my mood today. It's still hard to convince myself I am okay & to be okay with these feelings. May we be able to let our mind quite & get much needed rest tonight. I am going to have a big cup of calming tea, put on my favorite pj's & lavender lotion & try to call it an early night... hope you can di a little comfort too.

[Starrlight in reply to melbrown]

Oh so sorry ((((((((((((( Melbrown)))))))))))I just worry it will turn into some major episode and I won’t be able to function well or even go into psychosis. That’s a good idea, to relax and call it a night early. Best to you and thanks

[Nothing_but_books]

Oh Starrlight, I am so sorry this has come again. You are so brave, you know. Stand.

It ain't OKAY to feel like this, but it's real. I know too well.

Maybe, when you look in the mirror, you can't see the brave woman I see. But we see her. Often.

[Starrlight in reply to Nothing_but_books]

You’re right- it’s not ok. You just touched my soul. Thank you. I wish to believe that I am brave

How are you doing, Nothing_but-pain? ❤️

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Starrlight]

If being touched gives you a bit more strength I'm pleased.

Trying. The pain is so bad today. I'm afraid I lose it when the pain is this bad. Heaven knows why, the anxiety is down a tiny notch. Pretty funny...

[Starrlight in reply to Nothing_but_books]

What type of pain do you have? Sadness? Physical or emotional?

It’s strange how the different symptoms come and go as they please it seems, right?

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Starrlight]

Hi,

I was talking about the pain in my feet. But I ache all over too.

Plus anxiety (not a big enough word, more like 24 / 7 terror) and depression. Hiding home because I'm afraid of a breakdown in public.

You nailed it. The worst part is no idea when or why the pain (physical and emotional) improves or gets worse.

About 20 years ago I was crippled by foot pain. Lost all autonomy. After 3 years of crawling I started to improve, to be able to walk, but with extreme pain. Scared all the time it would get worse again. Now I have been going downhill the last 3 years. No idea why I improved. No idea why I am getting worse. ????? Doctors no help.

The terrible pain and loss of ability to take care of myself triggered extreme depression and anxiety. Insomnia too now.

I hope you are well today? Finding comfort posting here?

[11112020]

I really really relate to what you're saying, I've felt all those things too. Why is life so harsh?

[Starrlight in reply to 11112020]

I wonder that too.

[Hidden]

Hi Starrlight,

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I can't empathize with you, but I can sympathize. I'm having a hard stretch too, fuelled by lots of things rolled into one. My chest really hurts because of it (or because of corona -- I have no idea and it stinks!). My mom suggested I look up funny skits on Youtube. Have you thought about writing down how you feel on the good days and looking at it on the bad days? Just an idea.

Stay strong!

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. I am recalling a day when I thought to myself Life is a blast. It’s still hard to get in that frame of mind but in knowing I’ll have better days it does help thanks.

How are you?

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Awesome thought!!!!👍👍👍👍 I get it re frame of mind, though. You think back on those thoughts and think "how the heck did I do that?"

You are most welcome! Any time, dear😊

[Kamp2020]

You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. This has been a terrible year for mental health sufferers and amazing enough we are getting by it because of our strength. All of us including you deserves a pat on the back. I'm here for you.

[Starrlight in reply to Kamp2020]

We do deserve that. Thanks and I’m here for you too. I’ve pulled myself away from darkness this morning. I decided last night I couldn’t stay. At times we have no choice but I did have a choice so I worked very hard to get to the positive light.

How are you doing?

[c-mac in reply to Starrlight]

Glad you flopped out of the quicksand! It's not pleasant, wriggling out of quicksand, and it doesn't feel heroic, but you did it. I hope you can remember this and the things you did and thought about that worked!

[Kamp2020 in reply to Starrlight]

Good for you! I'm having a difficult time too. Feeling of hopelessness is so present because of other health issues that may be cancer. I'm trying to turn it all over to God but it is very hard. I so appreciate this group and you. God bless

[Starrlight in reply to Kamp2020]

When can you find out if it is cancer or not? Great that you are lifting it up to God.

[Kamp2020 in reply to Starrlight]

I have my procedure Dec 17

[Starrlight in reply to Kamp2020]

❤️ best to you Kamp

I’m here for you to let out anything you need to

[Kamp2020 in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you. I've been journaling a lot and have an excellent medical team that includes a therapist and psychiatrist.

[Starrlight in reply to Kamp2020]

Awesome

[Kamp2020 in reply to Starrlight]

Good morning. I pray you have a good day.

[sophie4]

Starrlight,

SO, SO, SO sorry that you're experiencing so much suffering. I wish I have some magic answers, but, of course, I don't have magic nor answers. I do remember vividly that you've felt this way before and have found that sooner (let us HOPE) or much sooner (betcha thought I's say 'later') you've emerged feeling full of vital energy and your special, special creativity.

Can you sit with an empty paper and create a list of things/people/actions that will ease this horror?? I know this will be especially hard but maybe worth a try.

Listening to a beloved piece of music? Eating something you love but rarely indulge in? Gazing at the beautiful creations your son painted? Remembering that you have a superstar athlete with your other son? Knowing how your husband adores you and helps you feel light? Cuddling with your loving dog?

Can you sleep this one out?

Is there anything at all that I can do for you??

REMEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! These feelings will vanish, as they have before, and will again.

Do you have a therapist? If so, are you on meds and do they help a lot of the time?

When I'm especially depressed I eat as much chocolate as I could possibly want. For me, chocolate has a magic ingredient.

That accumulation of things you're battling to stop doing...is there a safe one you can choose to take off the list for a while?

I am your friend. I am always right here to listen...possibly offer a suggestion that may help, or at least I hope so.

You WILL be OK again!!!!!!

Sending you all the support I have and many hugs!!!!

sophie4

[Starrlight in reply to sophie4]

You are amazing my friend. Thank you for your suggestions. They are amazing too. I did some of them and talked to my therapist and I’m feeling better. ❤️

[sophie4]

So thrilled you're feeling better!!!!!!!

Too much 'stuff' to do today so I'd better hit the shower...but I'm a ...can't spell it...good intentions then I wander around and do all unnecessary things.

What's up for you today!!!

Have some fun!!!!!!!!!!

[Starrlight in reply to sophie4]

I will have some fun, thanks and I soooo hope your day is filled with beautiful moments. Let’s try living them in the now. Hope to talk with you again soon!