I can feel it coming. The foreboding is moving toward me. There’s nothing I can do to stop it. Once it encases me in its bubble the depression will come in. I’ll have to live with all those thoughts and emotions until my brain says stop.
I’m so blessed. Great kids. Wonderful husband. Awesome grandkids. An annoying but lovable dog. Crappy but livable health. A roof over my head. A career I love and will return to shortly.
I’m so blessed yet I’m soon to be depressed. I wish there was a tablet I could take right now, standing here on the ledge. I feel it’s weight pressing on me like invisible bodies in a crowd. I feel claustrophobic and annoyed.
It will be here soon and I’ll nurse it and tell it that it can’t stay long. I’m busy. I’ll wake up in 3 days and be grateful the pressing invisible crowds have left. I’ll be thankful the sickening greenish blob of foreboding went off with the wind. I’ll be exhausted. I’ll try to be better prepared as every time it comes again.
Written by
NeuronerdDoaty
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I’m sorry this is happening, its always frustrating when you’re doing well and the depression pulls you back down. Those thoughts and emotions are sometimes overwhelming so when they come, know that we’re here for you. Like you mentioned all we can do is try to be better prepared, because it always comes back around. It’s like depression is always lurking just behind like our shadow, i also wish there was something we could do to stop it from catching up like it does.
You'll be fine, ma. As in, you better be fine. You give me so much hope, I get sad then I think of you and all I want to do is believe. Your strength has inspired me greatly so please be good for us (I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one looking up to you, Doaty). I admire you and please, always remember that you're touching lives by simply being you. That's special. Kisses.
It’s a general feeling of foreboding. I can’t focus as well. I can picture what my brain is doing wrong. I start to feel physically less energetic. This morning I woke up and couldn’t get up. I feel no emotions. No good; no bad. Empty. There is nothing. It will be this way for 1-3 days depending on if I remember to eat and drink. Then it gradually lifts. All of life seems so surreal and unnecessary. I’m a shell with eyes; an unused camera with no film. My body is not fatigued but doesn’t move easily.
I can relate to your description of the weight of depression. It is interesting that you mention it as a green blob. Winston Churchill referred to it as his "black dog".
I'm tired of getting depression. No matter which way I direct my thoughts it leads to darkness.
Frankly, I'm surprised that you have depression considering how helpful you have been on this site and that mental health is your profession.
It’s clinical from a TBI. It’s cyclical. I’ve had ideations since I was a child from a childhood TBI.
It just goes to show no one is immune. There should be no stigma. I think we can all agree to that.
Neuroscience is my profession. I have lateral degrees as necessary. However I’m excited about sitting for my license for clinical therapy. I have to get out of research due to lupus. I pray to touch lives in a positive way.
For me clinical depression is more of a physical illness I have. I don’t write checks or make decisions. I act more like I have the flu than anything so people leave me alone until it passes.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I can relate. This is how my depression feels too. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere, but usually I can tell when I'm falling into a depressive episode, and I can't do anything to stop it. I just have to use my coping skills, and ride it out until it passes. Sometimes its a few days, weeks, etc. My longest was three months, but that was triggered by a specific trauma. I hope it lifts for you soon, I know how hard it is to function in that fog of depression.
Yes wonderful but exhausting, it took its toll as I am taking some time to recover.
I will do a post about it soon with photo collage. It was so beautiful, almost too much, with the dazzling light and deep blue sea with multi coloured ancient houses clinging to rocky promontories.
Went with my adult daughter, we are very close but also find each other draining at times. We were both a bit stressed and managed to say the wrong things to each other alot of the time. Also cried together and gave each other lots of support. Exhausting but incredible schedule which my daughter set the pace.
We went to the Cinque Terre villages, historic and very scenic plus stunning classical architecture in Genova.
Really hope you are not doing too badly, now read your later posts also. Must be stressful to feel paranoid but great that you are aware of it. I have had some similar issues at times, but a much milder version.
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