I broke up early this year, it was a very toxic relationship. He used to threaten me. When I finally broke up with him he showed our pictures to my parents. My parents and friends became distant to me. My mother is having an affair and I can't do anything about it. When I told my parents that I want to pursue pilot training they shouted at me and my mother slapped me. Aviation means a lot to me. They think I bring negativity and create problems in their lives. My parents especially my father said such words which will always stay in my mind. I love my father a lot and now it seems as if everything has changed and nothing can be undone. I see those little changes in my life everyday. My parents not involving me, leaving me behind, should me for everything, bringing things from the past again and again.
I am really tired of telling people how I feel and that I want help. I don't have any interest left in living my life, life seems colorless now.
I have an elder sister, she is the only reason why I'm still alive. She tried helping me but she doesn't stand either. No one does.
My mother once told me that she wished I were dead and now I wish that too. They are very happy with my sister. I just wish I could become the daughter my father always wanted, a girl just like my sister and the son my mother always wished for. I don't know what to say now.
I am done with my life. I want to live but I don't want a life like this. It hurts everyday and the worst part is nobody will ever understand.
Written by
Akanksha_Verma
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Please do not wish that on your self your mother is horrible for saying that to you she should be ashamed of herself for saying that to her own daughter I am really sorry about what is happening to you if you need anything let us know we care about you 😊
Thankyou for explaining your circumstances,,,,I can certainly understand better ,you are feeling very unwanted and I can see its having a very negative affect on your outlook to life;being younger of course you want love and appreciation,instead of turmoil ,and strife,parents are responsiblle for your emotional growth and slapping down any ideas or self expression is a horrible way to assist you for the big cruel world;we tend to shrink back and retreat into ourselves--im very sorry for your predicament and lack of understanding on their part,so many families are immature emotionally and usually offspring take on board all their insecurities-------Im on this site ,to try and help others as my own life has been traumatic in many ways............you need to vent ,and if you have a therapist,all the better .You are not worthless,loveless,in fact it may seem like that but you can rise above all this turmoil-never blame yourself,its not your fault ,but you can build on your confidence in various ways and rise above them.-------please dont think Im preaching ,IM just applying my own experience which lays dormant and thats it ,none of my siblings have a clue of how I have developed as they dont like being enlightened by a younger member.....PMme if you need to im always there to lend support..
Hi again. I'm so sorry that you are in this desperate place. Do you have a therapist to talk to? The main thing right now would be to talk to someone and to not be alone.
I am sorry that you're going through such a hard time.
From what I read, your parents are rejecting you because they found out about your gay relationship. I don't understand parents who do not accept their children unconditionally, but it could be because of the way they themselves were brought up too.
It may feel like you are completely alone in this but you're really not. I think it may help if you reach out to an LGBTQ support group because you will realise that there are many others going through the same thing. They will be able to give you more support.
Please keep seeking connections and help. Even online. Do not despair!
I' m sorry for misunderstanding. You said you wished you could be a girl like your sister, and the son your mother always wanted - that's why I thought you were a guy. Or maybe you are - sorry, I'm confused.
I thought it was a gay relationship because of the pictures he showed your parents, which made them upset with you.
In any case, this is a safe space for you to share.
Hi,I just want you to know that you should feel glad that you had the strength to move out of what definitely was a toxic relationship,and you should not beat yourself up about his threatening behaviour,;Glad in the sense that he seems a horrible character,and you are blaming yourself and feel shame,;Rise Above it its an unpleasant experience and you can gain strength by overcoming all this negative reactions from parents ect..........You can and you will this very bad patch in your life and if Aviation is your passion go for it,,,,,,your family appear not too treat you as a person------IT happened to me too--------so good luck with your aims and when you start to like yourself more you will find the real You and your purpose in life!!
I had similar problems to you. My big sis, who is ten years older than me, was a blessing to my parents, I was an accident (closely followed 2 years later by my little sister who was also an accident).
Reading between the lines, I think I was possibly conceived deliberately by my mother as I am sure Dad was having an affair. Don't get me wrong, I love my mum and (late) dad, and I was devastated when my dad died, but I was always a total failure in their eyes.
As a child, I felt unloved and often had to deal with my mother saying things like "For two pins I'd leave the bloody lot of you" or - if it got too much and I stood to leave, she'd say "You go out of that door and you needn't bother coming back" I know that nothing she ever said came close to "I wish you were dead" but I am sure that she wished I'd never been born. I don't know how old you are, but I am guessing you're quite young. I wouldn't presume to patronise you at all, but here is what I have learned as I have gone through life.
I was a means to an end. Given that my sister was approaching 10 years old, my mother needed an anchor to stop dad leaving her. Voila, a baby. He couldn't leave if she had a baby right? She used to tell him that if he left, he had to take his 'bloody kids' with him. I had served my purpose.
As a child, I felt worthless, unloved, and often I felt regarded as a serious inconvenience. I felt that there was something missing in me, something that my big sister had that I didn't. I relied heavily on her for affection and love, while resenting her for having whatever it was that made mum and dad love her. I was never abused, neglected, smacked, beaten or anything like that. I was often ignored, disregarded and told to 'get from under the feet' or similar. By the time I was in my early teens I was a wreck.
I won't go on about it, but what I can do is tell you this: It's NOT you who has something missing, it's them. What kind of mother says those things to her children? I'll tell you. A mother who is a damaged, trapped, desperately disappointed with her lot. We are raised to think that you go to school, then college or Uni, then you get your dream job, then you marry, have children and live happily ever after. The resentment that festers in people who realise they've been cheated always makes them punch down. We are suddenly just a further part of their problems instead of a longed-for milestone.
Sorry for ranting on and on. I have never actually said all this to anybody, ever. The reason I am saying all this now is that I can now look at the whole situation with a calmer and more analytical eye. There was nothing lacking in me, there is NOTHING lacking in you. I WAS a worthwhile an deserving child and so were you. I DO deserve love, affection and friendship, and so do you. I also had to come to terms with the fact that my parents were kind of victims. They were fed the school-work-family-bliss line, and when they realised that they had been cheated, they couldn't cope and I was the result of their weaknesses.
You, Akanksha, are worth it. You have a life that has taken a turn for the worse but that is not because of what or who you are. It's because 'they' are what they are. Hang on with all your strength. Hold tight to as many positives as you can find. This WILL pass, this awful period in your life. It does get better and you will find the place you want to be and - if you're fortunate - the person/people you want to be with. If you need to rant, come here and do it. If you're on the edge, let it all out here. This group is the best thing I've seen in a very long time.
First of all thank you so much for sharing your story. I appreciate it a lot. I could feel what you are trying to make me understand. I read your message many times and I realised I'm not alone . There are people who face same issues and there are people who have overcome difficulties.I am genuinely thankful to you. I am much better now. Despite all of my family problems, I have sort of overcome the self hate and guilt.
I adopted a puppy and now she is 4 months old. And she is the main reason of my happiness now. I try to stay busy with her. She has brought a new charm and comfort in my life. Being an introvert, I love spending time alone but now I have a little furry companion too.
Once again thank you very much for replying. It means alot. I hope you're doing well. Wish you all the happiness and love in life. 😊
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Is there really a way out?
Does anyone here have trouble getting out of their own way?
i can’t accept the way things are
Just looking for some advice here. I have been going nuts trying to figure out what to do.
