Three years ago I met a man who i was thoroughly convinced was the answer to my prayers. It was a whirlwind romance. We fell in love within the first 5 minutes that we met. Neither of us had every experienced something so magical - at least that’s why he told me. I certainly knew it was true for me. His temper was always a problem. He was verbally abusive and had this problem most of his life. He promised time after time he would do better. Nothing changed. We made lots of happy memories together, despite the arguments but over time, it got worse. He took me for granted, did an excellent job of destroying my self esteem and various other important parts of my life until I finally discovered he’d been cheating on me for over a year with at least a dozen women. A mountain of lies and kind games. It turned out, that everything I thought we had and everything I thought I knew was a fraud. In mid Sept, he relocated to WY with a new gf but stayed in touch with me regularly. Three weeks ago, we discussed a financial matter he initiated & resulted in destroying my credit. He agreed to start helping me rebuild my credit by making payments of $150 starting on Nov 1st. Later that day, we had a huge argument (again over his incessant prying into my life and accusing me of sleeping around - which was no longer his business at all as we had ended things over a month ago) and he reneged on his agreement. He gave his new gf MY number & told her I’d been stalking him in an effort to get back together! Once I showed her my call log of all hi missed calls & texts, she threw him out and he drove back to FL. He blamed me for the entire thing and I haven’t heard a peep from him since. He emailed me the same day blaming me for “hurting an innocent”. I reminded him of all the lies and games he’d played with ME and made it clear, HE was the one responsible for hurting TWO innocents.
I know none of this is my fault & I try to stay positive but I’m still in shock that the man I put in such a pedestal was a fake. I can’t believe he has completely excised me from his life, knowing how badly he has destroyed mine. I’m not looking for a reconciliation or apology. I hoped there was an ounce of decency in him that would make him reconsider keeping our original agreement. I level never felt so worthless. The pain is always there and I don’t know how to get rid of it. I’m in therapy but these things take time and meanwhile, I cry every single day, wondering how/why I ended up here. What did I do to ever deserve this???? How do I make this go away????
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Empath74
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Hi it would probably help to recognise him as a narcissist. These are usually charming and charismatic people and treat you really well at first. Then their true nature emerges and you realise they are playing games, have no empathy and get their kicks out of destroying you. Have a look at the link.
You are far from the only person who has ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, but read up on their behaviour so you know how to spot and avoid them in the future. A narcissist will never change so it's useless to try. The only answer is to get out asap before they destroy your life.
Yes, narcissism has become more and more common, especially with the rise in social media. We were together for almost 3 years so I definitely recognized his many narcissistic tendencies early on. That being said, I had never experienced a monster like this before so getting out before he destroyed my life? I’m afraid that ship has sailed.
He has many issues but despite the narcissistic traits, he’s not a true narcissist. In our time together I was able to observe his behavior and could tell when he was depressed and although it was rare, he wasn’t immune to apologizing. He’s troubled & refuses to get help. He’s NOT a good person but I loved him with all my heart. We were together for 3 years, engaged for 2. Ended things in September. I don’t want to think about it but I can’t get him out of my head. The pain is excruciating & thinking about what a lying cheat he was only makes it hurt more .
Hi. I just read your post and self intro. You’re a special person. The way you take care of your parents, keep yourself motivated in your studies and had energy left for a boyfriend. Most people do not have such empathy and smarts and strength. Because of your special traits, it will take you more effort to find the right person. Yes, you will see your more simple friends find a match. But for people with your insights, a true match will be harder to find. Does that make sense?
Yes, it definitely makes sense and after what I’ve suffered for over a year, it is clearer than ever before. I’m very honest and sincere thus I naively give people the benefit of the doubt, even when it’s obvious they are trouble. If I learned anything from this hell, no more second chances. If I ever find myself in another relationship, which I can’t even fathom nor do I have any desire, if he dares disrespect me, make unfounded accusations, degrade me, or try to tear me down, he can apologize until he’s blue in the face: he’s done. Any man who truly wants to be with me will have to put his all into earning my trust and convincing me that he values me. It will take a lot more than affectionate words and shopping sprees, more than a marriage proposal to prove he is worthy of my attention, much less my love.
He was nothing he pretended to be. That’s what hurts most. That plus the fact that he relocated to the Midwest with yet another woman with whom he’d been cheating on me but remained in contact. Three weeks ago, we had a major blowout. He gave his gf my number and the next morning I rec’d a nasty text from her. I set her straight, sent screen shots of my call log with dozens of missed calls (I refused to answer) as well as calls from him that showed conversations of 20+ minutes. The truth came spilling out and she told him to leave. He drove back home to FL and blamed me for the whole thing! I reminded him HE had given her MY number & gotten her involved - NOT ME. We haven’t spoken since. I painfully realized that as well as I knew him, I didn’t really know him at all. But I refuse to let him end me. I’ll cry when I need to, I’ll suffer this heartache but I WILL heal and know happiness again.
Thank you so much for your kind words and your encouragement. It really helps.
Other people may find their match more easily and you may get jealous, but remember you are different, you are more intelligent and insightful so it won’t be so simple. Focus on yourself and all your special traits others don’t have
😭😭😭😭 Thank you so very much. I’m suffering so badly. I don’t think I’ve ever heard such kind words from anyone: not my closest friends, not even my family. Thank you again ❤️❤️❤️
You’re not like other people so you’ll need to be more attentive to your own needs. I’m a person who questions the intellect of most people. I just don’t think most people will qualify to be your friend
Sadly, I have absolutely no interest in ever being in another relationship. I can honestly say I’ve never felt that way before but I put my heart and soul into him, I trusted him blindly, I had faith he would change, and in return he lied & cheated for over a year! I can’t imagine ever trusting anyone again.
One thing I’ve learned from this nightmare: no second chances. Period. I deserve love and respect. Anyone who thinks they can have a tantrum, curse me out then apologize and expect me to forgive & forget is sorely mistaken. We all have our problems but we’re also adults. If that’s how someone who considers himself to be a “man” treats a woman, he’s not a man at all and he’s not for me.
Right. Men like that need to know you’re not like others who take their crap. You’re different. Able to take care of yourself and aware of your intellect
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